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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Manypaws · 03/12/2024 16:31

@oakleaffy she's beautiful

bunnypenny · 03/12/2024 16:32

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:31

I've read all your posts but I can't see where you have met his daughter.

Does she come to your house?

In very simple terms, if he is talking of you being together, seriously, then the usual way would be for each of you to sell up and buy somewhere together.

Re-read the OP’s first post….

Daleksatemyshed · 03/12/2024 16:32

Quite honestly @Swimminglikeaswan he may be a man you're very fond of but there's too much mystery going on here. He won't let you in the house, he religiously stays at his own place two days a week and seems to be treating your home as a bolt hole from his own house. I don't think he's being honest with you and I can't see there being much future for you together, he's quite happy imposing on you five days a week but I'd bet good money that he'd never sell his house and live with you.
The early days are supposed to be fun, not a man practically living with you without an invitation.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:32

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:29

She on the other hand, behaves like a spoilt child either ignoring us with earphones in or barraging him with unpleasant....

Where have you met her if you aren't allowed in his home?

Family party's, grandsons football matches and giving lifts

OP posts:
ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:32

bunnypenny · 03/12/2024 16:32

Re-read the OP’s first post….

Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit.

Got it. Sorry.

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:33

You've been too accommodating OP.

Free food, heating, cuddles....what more could he want?

But nothing changes in his life.

oakleaffy · 03/12/2024 16:35

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:32

Family party's, grandsons football matches and giving lifts

Has his wife actually died?

He's not got her living in the attic ,with the 35 yr old ''Daughter'' as her carer? like in Jane Eyre?

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:36

IMO you need to talk to him and say you're unhappy with the imbalance of the relationship.

It's 10 years since his wife died. He may have dated other women in that time and if they put up with his 'not under my roof' fair enough. But you don't have to.

I can see it might be awkward being intimate with his daughter around. But that's his issue to deal with. Birds need to fly the nest.

SkyGrant · 03/12/2024 16:36

Op You need to turn up his place unannounced on a Monday or Thursday or only have him around 3 or 4 nights on a particular week and then turn without warning and see the reaction!...

Good luck

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 16:37

Wild stab in the dark...

Is there any chance at all that he is trapped in an abusive relationship? It is not unknown for adult dc to be abusive or highly manipulative towards their widowed parent, and exert coercive / financial control over them.

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 16:37

Next time you drop him off or pick him up from there, say you need to use the toilet and can you nip in to use his loo...see what he says

SpryCat · 03/12/2024 16:38

Your partner is not free to have a future you envision, he is paying his daughter’s way and that’s probably why he gets you to host as he might not have money to host you back.
It could be he is too lazy to host and wants you to wait on him hand and foot.
Or it could be his daughters house and he is her lodger, either way something is off and he doesn’t want you to know.
His daughter is the boss and she won’t have another woman in the house.

Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:39

Op, how directly have you confronted him about asking why he won't have you over? I would try to have a serious talk before an immediate dump.

Obviously this is hypothetical bc very far off, but if he's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, I would ask what that looks like, ie, is he prepared to separate from his daughter, as you obviously wouldn't live with her.

Hateam · 03/12/2024 16:39

You should walk away from him because his reluctance to let you in the house is a problem.

He should walk away from you as you clearly dislike his daughter.

TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:40

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 16:29

I'm glad you are waking up to his true nature and finding your anger, OP.

Can I ask, does he buy groceries, take aways, drinks etc? Or does he usually turn up empty handed and expect to be fed and watered? Does he offer to cook but only with your ingredients that you have bought?

This was my question too. Seems he’s getting free bed and board with sex thrown in 5 days a week.

OP do you also still go on dates, out to dinner, drinks etc?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:40

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 16:37

Wild stab in the dark...

Is there any chance at all that he is trapped in an abusive relationship? It is not unknown for adult dc to be abusive or highly manipulative towards their widowed parent, and exert coercive / financial control over them.

Oh gawd i hadn't even thought of that! 🙄
Being everyone's "Mother" that would make it harder to run away

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:41

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 16:37

Wild stab in the dark...

Is there any chance at all that he is trapped in an abusive relationship? It is not unknown for adult dc to be abusive or highly manipulative towards their widowed parent, and exert coercive / financial control over them.

This is my thoughts. Lots of older parents are stuck in this situation so that the "child" doesn't become homeless.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:41

TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:40

This was my question too. Seems he’s getting free bed and board with sex thrown in 5 days a week.

OP do you also still go on dates, out to dinner, drinks etc?

Yes we do

OP posts:
ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:41

Maybe his DD is totally freaked out at the idea of her dad having a sex life?
Even though she's 35 I can imagine she doesn't want to think of someone else in her parent's bed.

Could he not invite you for dinner but then you go home afterwards? Kind of gently , gently?

If you really like him could you ask him to cook you dinner one night?
If he refuses and says no, ask why.

TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:41

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:41

Yes we do

And does he always pay?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:42

Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:41

This is my thoughts. Lots of older parents are stuck in this situation so that the "child" doesn't become homeless.

Yes but a child who works full time and uses her wages as unlimited pocket money whilst sponging?

OP posts:
ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 16:44

If I were him, I'd say to his DD

'Look, Swimming is going to come round on Thursday for dinner. I'm cooking it- well, I'm buying an M&S dine in thing. So, don't be surprised when you see her here. It's about time she saw where I live.'

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 16:44

I think I'd have a look at land registry and check who actually owns the property

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:44

Bigcat25 · 03/12/2024 16:39

Op, how directly have you confronted him about asking why he won't have you over? I would try to have a serious talk before an immediate dump.

Obviously this is hypothetical bc very far off, but if he's said he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, I would ask what that looks like, ie, is he prepared to separate from his daughter, as you obviously wouldn't live with her.

We think alike as that is exactly what i have done. I don't actually dislike the daughter as she obviously has her reasons. I just cannot comprehend the behaviour.

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 16:45

TwistedWonder · 03/12/2024 16:41

And does he always pay?

9/10

OP posts:
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