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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 03/12/2024 14:40

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 14:35

Oh this is a really good point actually...perhaps the house you pick him up from is actually just his dds

I'd be checking 192 and the electorol roll if I was still interested in a future with him

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:43

Thank you all so much. I'm not a pushy person, very much the opposite. Have spoken to him about this really nicely and supportively each time but i'm being stonewalled. Have tried hard to get to know the daughter and build a friendship but she's very standoffish so i haven't pressured her, just let her have time as, although her dad has dated before me, it must still be strange. There is a second daughter with a husband and four sons, who i get on really well with.
I have always made the mistake in life of going along with whatever people want, not questioning things, and it's got me nowhere.
Yes, saying he has "hotel accommodation" is exactly how i have come to think of it. In answer to going away, i took him away for a weekend for his birthday a couple of weeks ago and now feel a fool. He contributes nothing other than the odd night out and help with a couple of jobs here.
I think i know what i have to do. X

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 03/12/2024 14:44

No way I'd be having this

Ditch him and find a proper fella

MissMoneyFairy · 03/12/2024 14:45

He isn't the right one for you

OhBling · 03/12/2024 14:45

Yeah, the fact that he wont' let you in his house is just the tip of the iceberg. He's a cocklodger of note.

Although I wonder if his DD is off with you because she knows what he's like and that eventually you'll work it out, and at that point you'll be gone from their lives.

isthesolution · 03/12/2024 14:45

The problem is that he is already at yours 5 days of the week.

I think you probably need to say that you'd like to reduce the number of days he stays at yours. You are happy for him to come over 2 nights and then perhaps you can go out or to his the other 2-3 nights - he can choose?

coxesorangepippin · 03/12/2024 14:46

Op, how old are you?

Closer in age to the 35 year old daughter than the dad, I expect

Daughter probably thinks (rightly or wrongly) that you're a golddigger

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:48

I'm 50, dad is 56, if there's a golddigger here, it's not me!
Cocklodger cracked me up 🤣
Sorry for random ramblings, i haven't sussed how to reply to you guys!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 03/12/2024 14:49

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:48

I'm 50, dad is 56, if there's a golddigger here, it's not me!
Cocklodger cracked me up 🤣
Sorry for random ramblings, i haven't sussed how to reply to you guys!

Click on the QUOTE button. It's underneath each post - the first option on the left.

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 14:51

coxesorangepippin · 03/12/2024 14:46

Op, how old are you?

Closer in age to the 35 year old daughter than the dad, I expect

Daughter probably thinks (rightly or wrongly) that you're a golddigger

Why would she think that?

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2024 14:52

Now I can't figure out how to show the image.

Never mind - you've figured it out now anyway lol.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:52

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2024 14:49

Click on the QUOTE button. It's underneath each post - the first option on the left.

Thank you! 😁

OP posts:
Hateam · 03/12/2024 14:54

This is concerning but the assumptions people are making here are ludicrous.

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2024 14:56

Right - back to your question: I would be suspicious of a man who would not let me visit his home.
I had one a bit like that, years ago. It turned out (when I finally got my first and last look at his house) that he was a hoarder.

His house was absolutely ghastly. He was one of those people who claim that they're just sorting things out..............but it was clear that he was not capable of throwing stuff away.

So, as I am a minimalist, I ended our fledgling relationship.

coxesorangepippin · 03/12/2024 14:57

Why would she think that?

^

Who knows?

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2024 14:58

There could be many reasons why he won't let you visit his house.

It might be the DD who has told him that she doesn't want you to come round.

It might be that the place is a bombsite.

Can you ask him again, and get a straight answer?

RedVelvetIcing · 03/12/2024 15:00

I wouldn’t end a relationship over this I don’t think, at least not right away. It could be a complete mess or it could be his daughter’s house or it’s never changed since his wife died and he feels odd about having a new woman in the home. Maybe it’s not their house at all.

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2024 15:00

The way you speak about his daughter is unkind, but...

You need to let this one go. At these ages 6 months is a reasonable time to have graced the inside of his home. And why have you been entertaining him 5/7 days per week? He'll have moved in before you know it ☹️.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 15:00

TheShellBeach · 03/12/2024 14:56

Right - back to your question: I would be suspicious of a man who would not let me visit his home.
I had one a bit like that, years ago. It turned out (when I finally got my first and last look at his house) that he was a hoarder.

His house was absolutely ghastly. He was one of those people who claim that they're just sorting things out..............but it was clear that he was not capable of throwing stuff away.

So, as I am a minimalist, I ended our fledgling relationship.

Edited

Thank you, it had crossed my mind. I'm fairly neat but when i moved here a year ago and started work on the place, it was a 💩hole!
Have told him i'm not scared of mess but as you say, there's mess and then there's M E S S! His car is immaculate, as is the outside of the place so i din't think it's that.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/12/2024 15:01

He doesn't view you as a keeper. Get rid.

RedVelvetIcing · 03/12/2024 15:04

He’s had months to clean up if that’s the only thing holding him back. Maybe a break would give him the time to focus on sorting it if it’s so bad you aren’t allowed in.

Inlimboin50s · 03/12/2024 15:05

I had similar with a very close male platonic friend who I had known since school 35 years ago.
Always coming to mine,even staying in the spare room if the village had something on. Days out to the cotswolds and Christmas shopping in MK. We were close.
I would ask when I was in his town if I could pop by for a cup of tea? There was always an excuse,the builders were in,he was ill.

I joked that he was either married or a hoarder and hiding something but he just laughed. I explained I didn't care about mess or whatever the issue was but he said there was none. In the end, after morentxts about can we meet up and can he come over I lost it and said what I'd really love is to have my hosting was reciprocated !

I've heard nothing for months but nope,I'm not doing that any more!

Fireworknight · 03/12/2024 15:07

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:43

Thank you all so much. I'm not a pushy person, very much the opposite. Have spoken to him about this really nicely and supportively each time but i'm being stonewalled. Have tried hard to get to know the daughter and build a friendship but she's very standoffish so i haven't pressured her, just let her have time as, although her dad has dated before me, it must still be strange. There is a second daughter with a husband and four sons, who i get on really well with.
I have always made the mistake in life of going along with whatever people want, not questioning things, and it's got me nowhere.
Yes, saying he has "hotel accommodation" is exactly how i have come to think of it. In answer to going away, i took him away for a weekend for his birthday a couple of weeks ago and now feel a fool. He contributes nothing other than the odd night out and help with a couple of jobs here.
I think i know what i have to do. X

I think these things can creep up on you unawares. You want to make an impression and are happy to host, so that becomes the default setting. it’s not until someone points it out to you, that you realise it’s a bit one-sided.

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2024 15:07

RedVelvetIcing · 03/12/2024 15:00

I wouldn’t end a relationship over this I don’t think, at least not right away. It could be a complete mess or it could be his daughter’s house or it’s never changed since his wife died and he feels odd about having a new woman in the home. Maybe it’s not their house at all.

If the place is a hovel he needs to fix that. It's selfish to expect the OP to be the only one playing host, while she doesn't have the choice to visit him.

If it's his daughter's house and/or she doesn't want OP there, he needs to be honest. They've been dating for 6 months and he can't just string her along for however long it suits him.

And id the place is a shrine to his wife, he's probably not ready to date, so needs to take some time to deal with that. This again could be wasting OP's precious time.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 15:09

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2024 15:07

If the place is a hovel he needs to fix that. It's selfish to expect the OP to be the only one playing host, while she doesn't have the choice to visit him.

If it's his daughter's house and/or she doesn't want OP there, he needs to be honest. They've been dating for 6 months and he can't just string her along for however long it suits him.

And id the place is a shrine to his wife, he's probably not ready to date, so needs to take some time to deal with that. This again could be wasting OP's precious time.

Thank you, this is where i'm at in my thinking right now

OP posts: