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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
MrRobinsonsQuango · 03/12/2024 13:56

Time to throw this one back. Either it’s a shrine to the ex or he likes you doing all of the hosting. Maybe both? Or possibly daughter doesn’t want you in the house, again no need for the hassle. It shouldn’t be such hard work at this stage in a relationship

StormingNorman · 03/12/2024 14:02

He and his daughter obviously come as a package. As a girlfriend of six months, it’s not really your place to comment on whether she lives at home and what she pays into the household. Let alone drop some pretty heavy hints that he needs to kick his daughter out and move you in.

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 14:05

Could be many reason for not letting you in or invoting you over, and none of them are good for the longevity of this relationship. Time to start looking at next steps for your relationship. If you're moving forward or not.

I'd put in place a suggestion, whereby some nights are spent at your dispense, and some at his. And the ones at his can be anywhere but he arranges, he hosts and its his responsibility, or you dont see each other. It's cannot be so one sided.

Is it an option that you get somewhere together (probably not, with the daughter),
is it a suggestion that he moves in with you (probably not),
is it a suggestion you move in with him (probably not)
so are you just plodding? is this enough for you? is it time to walk away?

What's the future look like?

Jagoda · 03/12/2024 14:05

You can end a relationship for any reason you like.

Gleeanda · 03/12/2024 14:06

There is a reason. It's not the DIY. I think it's fair that you are pushing it at this point - while it would be a shame to break up over this, it's reasonable of you to be reluctant to invest further with this big gap in what's coming back the other way.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:07

Stormingnorman I haven't dropped any hints about anyone being kicked out thanks. It's an observation. Have told him that i can't really understand how we could live together when the time comes and asked his opinion. I have my own home and no interest in moving into anyone else's but being able to picture how a future together could be achieved is not unreasonable. It's been six months, i don't want to get any more atratched if i'm being used.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 03/12/2024 14:08

We can't say why he won't let you inside his house, there could be all sorts of reasons.

But can you really see this going anywhere OP. You seem to be doing all the heavy lifting of hosting, having him over etc. Does that include getting the food in and paying the excess bills?

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 14:08

This is one of those situations where I think I would have to give an ultimatum

StormingNorman · 03/12/2024 14:11

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:07

Stormingnorman I haven't dropped any hints about anyone being kicked out thanks. It's an observation. Have told him that i can't really understand how we could live together when the time comes and asked his opinion. I have my own home and no interest in moving into anyone else's but being able to picture how a future together could be achieved is not unreasonable. It's been six months, i don't want to get any more atratched if i'm being used.

Edited

Except this one:

“I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow”.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:13

Stormingnorman i told you guys about the third wheel. Keep up or go and find someone in else to nip at

OP posts:
TTPDTS · 03/12/2024 14:13

I mean you're a girlfriend of 6 months - she's his daughter - calling her a third wheel is a bit rude!

Honestly I think you're coming across as very judgemental of his family set up, in is shoes I'd be wary of having you in my home around my daughter (even if she's an adult!) and giving out the same opinions.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 03/12/2024 14:18

The daughter isn't the third wheel OP. You are.

As others said, throw this one back.

Maybe his house is a shit hole, maybe it isn't. But that doesn't really matter.

His daughter is obviously very important to him. You've only been dating 5 minutes.

NachoChip · 03/12/2024 14:19

I think it's either going to be something he's fearful of, or something you're not going to like.

Something he's fearful of could be coming from his daughter (she doesn't want another woman coming into the house), or he feels it would betray his late wife, or there's something about the house he's embarrassed about etc. If it's one of these things, I would try and tease it out with kindness. Say you're quite aware that the reasons he's given are avoiding tactics, and that's ok. You understand it's his and his daughter's home, with lots of memories and you don't expect anything, but by blocking you from his home it feels like he's blocking you from part of his life. Can he start by being honest about what's troubling him, that would be the first step. Maybe next step is just to be invited in for a cup of tea. You don't want to throw a wrecking ball in there, you just want to feel like you're welcome in his life, not a secret hidden away.

If that sort of tactic doesn't work, then perhaps it's the second one, and he's hiding something you're not going to like. I would then explain that's how it's now starting to look and you're doubting if you can trust him, if he can't trust you.

GrannyGoggles · 03/12/2024 14:19

You could give an ultimatum

Or step back, dial down expectations, yours and his. No more 5 nights a week at yours. Find your own set in stone.

Or walk away.

Or suck up what doesn’t suit you.

Or come up with another option. What’s happening currently does not sound as though it’s suiting you.

Fireworknight · 03/12/2024 14:19

It is still only six months, but a bit unfair when your together five out of seven days.

He’s also got his cake and eating it. He’s at yours five days out of seven, so now doubt you’re cooking for him every night, plus providing ‘benefits’. Hope he’s not bringing washing over … . Is he becoming a stealthy cocklodger (or have I been in mn too long?).

Maybe his house is a mess, or his daughter is refuses to have female visitors etc. However, , it wouldn’t take much to tidy the lounge, kitchen and toilet for a movie night, or takeaway etc.

StormingNorman · 03/12/2024 14:20

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:13

Stormingnorman i told you guys about the third wheel. Keep up or go and find someone in else to nip at

If you can’t see how you gave him an ultimatum, I’m not the one who needs to keep up.

MissMoneyFairy · 03/12/2024 14:22

Do you want a future with him. You don't want to move into anyone else's home so he'd either have to move in with you or you find somewhere new together, leaving his daughter on her own. Maybe he likes being with his daughter, do you ever both go away together for a break.

itsmylife7 · 03/12/2024 14:24

So he's basically already moved in with you,hasn't he?

RaspberryBeretxx · 03/12/2024 14:25

5 nights a week at yours?! Does he contribute anything financially or to cooking, shopping or cleaning? If not (or if he only contributes a token amount), it sounds all very lovely for him, I'd love to have a nice clean, FREE hotel for 5 nights a week with all meals bought and prepped for me!

I don't think YABU at all. You can either talk to him about requiring a more 50/50 split of effort/time spent. OR you could say that as you've only been together 6 months, this "semi-cohabiting" (ie you being almost full time "hostess" for him) isn't working for you and you want to go back to dating, go out more often and set some boundaries up eg 1 night maximum a week at yours unless matched with evenings at his.

OhBling · 03/12/2024 14:26

I'd suspect that he doesn't actually ive in this house. And that the stories that he lives with his dd is a lie.

Does he contribute financially considering he's basically moved into your house by stealth?

MissMoneyFairy · 03/12/2024 14:30

OhBling · 03/12/2024 14:26

I'd suspect that he doesn't actually ive in this house. And that the stories that he lives with his dd is a lie.

Does he contribute financially considering he's basically moved into your house by stealth?

Maybe he stays 5 nights with op then 2 nights with his daughter.

Sassybooklover · 03/12/2024 14:33

The DIY reason is an excuse, as far as I can see. Either the house is a shrine to his wife, or his daughter doesn't want him bringing another woman back to, what was, her Mother's home. You need to have an honest conversation with him. Yes, you've only been together 6 months, but it's not unreasonable to be thinking about the future. He can't keep make excuses, eventually he will need to be honest with you. Surely it's better to be upfront now!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 03/12/2024 14:33

OhBling · 03/12/2024 14:26

I'd suspect that he doesn't actually ive in this house. And that the stories that he lives with his dd is a lie.

Does he contribute financially considering he's basically moved into your house by stealth?

OMG that is one that I had not thought of!😱 You have a homeless stealth cocklodger.

I assumed he was a hoarder, and maybe his DD is too, or that the place is utterly filthy as neither of them do any cleaning.

OP - tell him it is not working for you. That you want to re-set the relationship, and have only one night a week at your place. Other nights you go out somewhere on dates, and you will meet him at the venue, instead of him coming to your house first.
If he doesn't agree, dump him.

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 14:35

OhBling · 03/12/2024 14:26

I'd suspect that he doesn't actually ive in this house. And that the stories that he lives with his dd is a lie.

Does he contribute financially considering he's basically moved into your house by stealth?

Oh this is a really good point actually...perhaps the house you pick him up from is actually just his dds

allthatfalafel · 03/12/2024 14:39

TTPDTS · 03/12/2024 14:13

I mean you're a girlfriend of 6 months - she's his daughter - calling her a third wheel is a bit rude!

Honestly I think you're coming across as very judgemental of his family set up, in is shoes I'd be wary of having you in my home around my daughter (even if she's an adult!) and giving out the same opinions.

Unless the daughter has a secret/hidden disability or mental health issue, then yes she does need to get her arse in gear and become an adult. It's not healthy to still be living at home with your also healthy parents at age 35.

But I agree it could be her house and he's worried that will be obvious to the OP.

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