Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 09/12/2024 15:44

Hi all. Thanks to those of you who actually read my post properly and actually understood. I did update last week to say i had ended things properly. Thanks again X

OP posts:
MyJoyousBiscuit · 09/12/2024 15:55

Swimminglikeaswan · 09/12/2024 15:44

Hi all. Thanks to those of you who actually read my post properly and actually understood. I did update last week to say i had ended things properly. Thanks again X

Edited

I wish I'd done the same and not wasted 5 yrs of my life on a unhealthy relationship. Good luck for the future! Let's hope you find someone that deserves you, your home and your love.

Swimminglikeaswan · 09/12/2024 16:01

MyJoyousBiscuit · 09/12/2024 15:55

I wish I'd done the same and not wasted 5 yrs of my life on a unhealthy relationship. Good luck for the future! Let's hope you find someone that deserves you, your home and your love.

Thank you! You guys have been so kind it's really touching. Good luck to you too X

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 09/12/2024 19:49

For the best it wasn’t going anywhere as a relationship.
6mth was too soon to be settling your expectations and you were likely incompatible

Nantescalling · 09/12/2024 21:17

Glad you took the plunge. It's never an easy thing to do however good the reasons are. I'm glad the group helped you to make up your mind. Now the future, no more past!

MyJoyousBiscuit · 09/12/2024 23:01

Zone2NorthLondon · 09/12/2024 19:49

For the best it wasn’t going anywhere as a relationship.
6mth was too soon to be settling your expectations and you were likely incompatible

I don't think it's helpful to dictate a timeline for another person's relationship milestones. We all work at our own pace. I feel you've answered a question you haven't been asked, slightly passive aggressive at best but damn right rude at worst. 6 months is perfectly acceptable to visit your partners house. Regardless of her expectations, 6 months isn't a fling!

Swimminglikeaswan · 10/12/2024 00:26

MyJoyousBiscuit · 09/12/2024 23:01

I don't think it's helpful to dictate a timeline for another person's relationship milestones. We all work at our own pace. I feel you've answered a question you haven't been asked, slightly passive aggressive at best but damn right rude at worst. 6 months is perfectly acceptable to visit your partners house. Regardless of her expectations, 6 months isn't a fling!

It's ok, the person you were responding to went on a hate mission a week ago without reading my post properly and kept it up. It's the most coherent comment they've made yet. If you disagree they get your posts taken down. My guess is sad, single, and more red flags than a sandcastle contest!

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 10/12/2024 02:45

OP, have you heard from him since it ended?
Just wondering if he tried to change your mind.

I'm actually very similar to your ex, I rarely allow people in my house, I'm just a bit embarrassed about the decoration as in the past I haven't had the funds to decorate...I do know so things are improving.
I also have a lot of stuff, not a hoarder by any means but just stuff that you accumulate in your lifetime - I had a massive declutter recently and I'm feeling much more positive about my house.

Zone2NorthLondon · 10/12/2024 06:36

Swimminglikeaswan · 10/12/2024 00:26

It's ok, the person you were responding to went on a hate mission a week ago without reading my post properly and kept it up. It's the most coherent comment they've made yet. If you disagree they get your posts taken down. My guess is sad, single, and more red flags than a sandcastle contest!

Edited

You really need to be more measured in your responses, not sharing your sepia toned view isn’t a hate campaign
You dated for a relatively short time and you had different relationship goals to your now ex
6mth Is a relatively short time in a relationship and there were very contradictory messages
So ease up on the persecutory tone, it’s tiresome

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cyb3rg4l · 10/12/2024 10:24

Zone2NorthLondon · 10/12/2024 06:36

You really need to be more measured in your responses, not sharing your sepia toned view isn’t a hate campaign
You dated for a relatively short time and you had different relationship goals to your now ex
6mth Is a relatively short time in a relationship and there were very contradictory messages
So ease up on the persecutory tone, it’s tiresome

Yes, different relationship goals - HE wanted 5 x overnights a week and pushing for a future together. OP would like to have been allowed access to his toilet. A step too far 😂😂😂

Thursdaygirl · 10/12/2024 10:26

Yes, different relationship goals - HE wanted 5 x overnights a week and pushing for a future together. OP would like to have been allowed access to his toilet

Love this!!! The OP wasn't asking for a lot, was she ?????

ForeveronMN · 10/12/2024 10:47

Can recent posters read the ALL BY OP?

She said right at the start that she has ended this but was sharing her experience.

She's also posted a few days ago that she's left the thread.

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 18:41

SortingItOut · 10/12/2024 02:45

OP, have you heard from him since it ended?
Just wondering if he tried to change your mind.

I'm actually very similar to your ex, I rarely allow people in my house, I'm just a bit embarrassed about the decoration as in the past I haven't had the funds to decorate...I do know so things are improving.
I also have a lot of stuff, not a hoarder by any means but just stuff that you accumulate in your lifetime - I had a massive declutter recently and I'm feeling much more positive about my house.

Its easy to understand how someone can become embarrassed about their home. We are fed beautifully decorated, luxurious homes on social media constantly but reality is, most have average, normal homes that need a ton of work. When my children were small every floor was an overspill of their food plate. I have a dog now but omg, I wish I'd had one back then - he'd be well fed and I'd have clean blooming floors!

You deserve a house you love and are proud to call home. I follow the if it isn't beautiful or functional rule. If I don't enjoy looking at it or it isn't useful, it's not needed in my home.

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 18:46

Cyb3rg4l · 10/12/2024 10:24

Yes, different relationship goals - HE wanted 5 x overnights a week and pushing for a future together. OP would like to have been allowed access to his toilet. A step too far 😂😂😂

A-mazing! You've said it, perfectly! Cheers to that.

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 19:02

StormingNorman · 03/12/2024 14:02

He and his daughter obviously come as a package. As a girlfriend of six months, it’s not really your place to comment on whether she lives at home and what she pays into the household. Let alone drop some pretty heavy hints that he needs to kick his daughter out and move you in.

His daughters a grown woman! I'm absolutely never moving in with a man and his 30 bloody 5 year old daughter! His daughter needs to find her own life and relationships. It sounds like a very unhealthy codependent, father/daughter relationship. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being tied to my children when they're 35! I'd hope at that point they'd be set up in their own lives, not sponging off me and my home. What adult wants their children at home in their mid thirties - it's sad! I adore my children but I hope they live all over the world and stand strong on their own two feet. I moved out at 16 and have never gone back, you figure it out, gain resilience, strength and character.

Zone2NorthLondon · 10/12/2024 19:21

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 19:02

His daughters a grown woman! I'm absolutely never moving in with a man and his 30 bloody 5 year old daughter! His daughter needs to find her own life and relationships. It sounds like a very unhealthy codependent, father/daughter relationship. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being tied to my children when they're 35! I'd hope at that point they'd be set up in their own lives, not sponging off me and my home. What adult wants their children at home in their mid thirties - it's sad! I adore my children but I hope they live all over the world and stand strong on their own two feet. I moved out at 16 and have never gone back, you figure it out, gain resilience, strength and character.

Just because you moved out at 16yo does not make it desirable or appropriate for everyone else.

statistically people are leaving home older and have periods of returning home to stay. CoL, relationships break up. Saving for deposit etc

The adult daughter has a home she’s not compelled to move out. Just because the new girlfriend would prefer the daughter to move out doesn’t mean the daughter has to move out.

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 19:29

Zone2NorthLondon · 10/12/2024 19:21

Just because you moved out at 16yo does not make it desirable or appropriate for everyone else.

statistically people are leaving home older and have periods of returning home to stay. CoL, relationships break up. Saving for deposit etc

The adult daughter has a home she’s not compelled to move out. Just because the new girlfriend would prefer the daughter to move out doesn’t mean the daughter has to move out.

It's important to stand on your own two feet as an adult or you're not an adult. You learn valuable skills and confidence.

Zone2NorthLondon · 10/12/2024 19:49

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 19:29

It's important to stand on your own two feet as an adult or you're not an adult. You learn valuable skills and confidence.

What works for you at 16yo is not universal for everyone.
16 is an adolescent not adult for example many LL wouldn’t rent to them. Unable to access many things as technically not adult eg credit agreements
Stand on own two feet is a nondescript phrase it really doesn't reflect individual ability or what constitutes adequately managing

StormingNorman · 10/12/2024 21:42

MyJoyousBiscuit · 10/12/2024 19:02

His daughters a grown woman! I'm absolutely never moving in with a man and his 30 bloody 5 year old daughter! His daughter needs to find her own life and relationships. It sounds like a very unhealthy codependent, father/daughter relationship. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being tied to my children when they're 35! I'd hope at that point they'd be set up in their own lives, not sponging off me and my home. What adult wants their children at home in their mid thirties - it's sad! I adore my children but I hope they live all over the world and stand strong on their own two feet. I moved out at 16 and have never gone back, you figure it out, gain resilience, strength and character.

Your opinion or my opinion or OP’s opinion of their relationship doesn’t come into it. It is what it is and if they are happy that’s all that matters.

Cyb3rg4l · 10/12/2024 23:07

Zone2NorthLondon · 10/12/2024 19:49

What works for you at 16yo is not universal for everyone.
16 is an adolescent not adult for example many LL wouldn’t rent to them. Unable to access many things as technically not adult eg credit agreements
Stand on own two feet is a nondescript phrase it really doesn't reflect individual ability or what constitutes adequately managing

I think we can agree none of these obstacles apply to an unmarried woman in her thirties, working full time.

Zone2NorthLondon · 11/12/2024 20:41

Cyb3rg4l · 10/12/2024 23:07

I think we can agree none of these obstacles apply to an unmarried woman in her thirties, working full time.

I think we can agree we were discussing the reported merits of leaving home at 16yo

Cyb3rg4l · 11/12/2024 20:58

Zone2NorthLondon · 11/12/2024 20:41

I think we can agree we were discussing the reported merits of leaving home at 16yo

On a post that featured no 16 year olds. Way off topic.

Zone2NorthLondon · 11/12/2024 21:20

Cyb3rg4l · 11/12/2024 20:58

On a post that featured no 16 year olds. Way off topic.

Well cohabitation and relationship goals were irrelevant and way off topic,but got still got discussed.

that is the nature of digression in threads.Much like a conversation in that a parallel unrelated point is introduced and subsequently challenged

hoarding got discussed too that’s unrelated to this

Evidently , threads digress and topic expands ,that’s literally how discussions work

if we’d only discussed the op the topic would be the new boyfriend doesn’t let the girlfriend in the house. Ever. Which would stall v quickly as it’s got no traction

Cyb3rg4l · 11/12/2024 21:47

Zone2NorthLondon · 11/12/2024 21:20

Well cohabitation and relationship goals were irrelevant and way off topic,but got still got discussed.

that is the nature of digression in threads.Much like a conversation in that a parallel unrelated point is introduced and subsequently challenged

hoarding got discussed too that’s unrelated to this

Evidently , threads digress and topic expands ,that’s literally how discussions work

if we’d only discussed the op the topic would be the new boyfriend doesn’t let the girlfriend in the house. Ever. Which would stall v quickly as it’s got no traction

And people have speculated around the relationship, the motivations, the adult daughter - all relevant to OPs question. They haven’t introduced new characters to discuss. The topic would make a great new thread though!

Swipe left for the next trending thread