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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
JesusWasaLady · 03/12/2024 15:13

I think he compartmentalizes, it is not uncommon. It means he has his space and you don't go into it, unless he chooses to spend time with you. I'd not consider it a relationship that is going to progress to co-habitation. I'm sorry, he sounds pretty useless.

Jostuki · 03/12/2024 15:15

Only six months? i think you've rushed into this and I can understand that he isn't ready to have you in the family home just yet.

Seeing each other five nights a week after only six months is too much too soon.

RaspberryBeretxx · 03/12/2024 15:15

The thing is even if he does have a semi valid reason for not inviting you to his, he's a grown man, surely he knows he is costing you money, effort and time. He doesn't care about this. If he did, he'd offer to cook, take you out, pay towards food, go shopping etc so that it's closer to 50/50. He must be saving a lot by hardly having to buy food! I totally get how it can creep up on you over time though when you're in the start of a relationship and want to be generous and make each other happy. I ended up like this with a guy I was dating but he was "only" staying every weekend (3 nights a week) with me buying all food/wine/beer, doing all cooking etc etc. It's just not attractive feeling like someone's parent/housekeeper.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 15:17

JesusWasaLady · 03/12/2024 15:13

I think he compartmentalizes, it is not uncommon. It means he has his space and you don't go into it, unless he chooses to spend time with you. I'd not consider it a relationship that is going to progress to co-habitation. I'm sorry, he sounds pretty useless.

Thank you. It feels like whatever is going on is going to be toxic. After years as a semi-professional punchbag, and a good, long, bit of time out from dating. I don't need it!

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 15:24

Jostuki · 03/12/2024 15:15

Only six months? i think you've rushed into this and I can understand that he isn't ready to have you in the family home just yet.

Seeing each other five nights a week after only six months is too much too soon.

It hasn't been me who's pushed for five nights per week now you've made me think on it!

OP posts:
Nc546888 · 03/12/2024 15:25

I think it’s the daughters house and he sometimes stays there but he lives with you

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 15:25

Sassybooklover · 03/12/2024 14:33

The DIY reason is an excuse, as far as I can see. Either the house is a shrine to his wife, or his daughter doesn't want him bringing another woman back to, what was, her Mother's home. You need to have an honest conversation with him. Yes, you've only been together 6 months, but it's not unreasonable to be thinking about the future. He can't keep make excuses, eventually he will need to be honest with you. Surely it's better to be upfront now!

Just realised, you've probably hit a nail on the head there.

We've recently done our will and trust, and we have stated that in the event of a death, no one else can move in - to preserve the peace of the other residents (think daughter), our trust gives anyone living there lifetime interest, and no one else comes in, she won't want dads side piece coming in the house, sitting on the sofa, cooking in the kitchen. Her mums not even cold in the ground (could be 10 yrs but her memory is that house). It's probably that...

fiorentina · 03/12/2024 15:28

Have you really done a lot of online research into him, to ensure his story stacks up. How are his wider family with you when you meet them?
If it isn’t working for you then finish it. Those saying you’re rushing spending so much time together aren’t necessarily correct if you’re happy but if it’s not working then slow it down or take a break.

commonsense61 · 03/12/2024 15:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

wp65 · 03/12/2024 15:29

StormingNorman · 03/12/2024 14:02

He and his daughter obviously come as a package. As a girlfriend of six months, it’s not really your place to comment on whether she lives at home and what she pays into the household. Let alone drop some pretty heavy hints that he needs to kick his daughter out and move you in.

I think you've read a different OP??

Arlanymor · 03/12/2024 15:29

How did it become five nights a week become a thing so swiftly? That's a lot after six months. And he isn't contributing anything despite the fact that he lives with you 71% of the time? Nothing towards utilities? Nothing towards food bills? That would be my first issue.

The second issue concerning his home has two different strands - firstly you can build a relationship with the daughter without visiting the home (as you have with the other daughter) if you and she both want to. Secondly I'm guessing you want to see inside the house to see why this is all such a mystery - this is an issue you need to raise directly with him without reference to the daughter at all - what can he have against you having a cup of tea there one time? You don't even have to push to stay over - because that could be the sticking point. Just a cup of tea in the lounge one time - if he refuses that then the red flags really should be waving.

Uricon2 · 03/12/2024 15:31

...she won't want dads side piece coming in the house, sitting on the sofa, cooking in the kitchen. Her mums not even cold in the ground (could be 10 yrs but her memory is that house). It's probably that...

A woman forming a relationship with a man 10 years widowed is not a "side piece".

Ridiculous and if this is the daughter's attitude (we don't know) she needs to grow up and actually adult.

Patterncarmen · 03/12/2024 15:31

The only time a man would not let me see his house (only drove by it) is because he wasn’t divorced yet (I did not know) and he also had another girlfriend (that was news to me too)! Lesson learnt.

OP, it is just a bit odd, isn’t it? Like a poster above stated, I would ask to come over for a cup of tea. Surely his daughter cannot be there 24/7?

Arlanymor · 03/12/2024 15:31

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 15:25

Just realised, you've probably hit a nail on the head there.

We've recently done our will and trust, and we have stated that in the event of a death, no one else can move in - to preserve the peace of the other residents (think daughter), our trust gives anyone living there lifetime interest, and no one else comes in, she won't want dads side piece coming in the house, sitting on the sofa, cooking in the kitchen. Her mums not even cold in the ground (could be 10 yrs but her memory is that house). It's probably that...

Side piece? That's a term for a woman in a sexual relationship with a man who is in another committed relationship. Do you think that's appropriate here?

lto2019 · 03/12/2024 15:32

I had a male friend who was like this with a girlfriend - she got fed up of his excuses and he asked if he was being unreasonable. He told her and me that he felt it needed decorating, it was a bit too batchelor paddish and he and his son (who lived there pt) had stuff out.
I did say that he was being unreasonable and also that he liked having his own space that was just his and his excuses were a bit weak.
Your fella might feel the same or it might be true.
I suspect his daughter plays a part somewhere and there is more to it than he has let on.
It depends how important it is to you. I wouldn't be bothered about staying but I would want to have been inside.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 15:33

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 15:25

Just realised, you've probably hit a nail on the head there.

We've recently done our will and trust, and we have stated that in the event of a death, no one else can move in - to preserve the peace of the other residents (think daughter), our trust gives anyone living there lifetime interest, and no one else comes in, she won't want dads side piece coming in the house, sitting on the sofa, cooking in the kitchen. Her mums not even cold in the ground (could be 10 yrs but her memory is that house). It's probably that...

I don't want to speak ill of anyone, especially based on something i have been told and not witnessed myself. BUT. He's paid for everything there and is treated like a cash machine including clearing over £300k of debt she had run up. Her spending habits were as irresponsible as both daughters. She died suddenly and hadn't even taken out life insurance so i'm not sure she would have organised something like that. Now i feel awful for saying that but am trying to explain.

OP posts:
SilverChampagne · 03/12/2024 15:34

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:07

Stormingnorman I haven't dropped any hints about anyone being kicked out thanks. It's an observation. Have told him that i can't really understand how we could live together when the time comes and asked his opinion. I have my own home and no interest in moving into anyone else's but being able to picture how a future together could be achieved is not unreasonable. It's been six months, i don't want to get any more atratched if i'm being used.

Edited

Has he given any indication that he wants to live with you? It’s only been 6 months; bit early to be discussing shared futures unless both of you are actively on board.
Doesn’t sound like he is, to be honest.
He won’t even let you in the door!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2024 15:35

I don't want to get any more atratched if i'm being used

That's completely reasonable @Swimminglikeaswan, and since his hang-ups sound very difficult to unpick no matter what the reason for them I'd be giving this one a miss

I'm not big on ultimatums but would at least be asking him what's behind this and expecting a sensible answer - and if all I got was more foot dragging that would be it

cantarguewithfools · 03/12/2024 15:37

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 14:13

Stormingnorman i told you guys about the third wheel. Keep up or go and find someone in else to nip at

He’s probably picked up on your nastiness towards his daughter and doesn’t want you in her home.

Comedycook · 03/12/2024 15:39

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 15:33

I don't want to speak ill of anyone, especially based on something i have been told and not witnessed myself. BUT. He's paid for everything there and is treated like a cash machine including clearing over £300k of debt she had run up. Her spending habits were as irresponsible as both daughters. She died suddenly and hadn't even taken out life insurance so i'm not sure she would have organised something like that. Now i feel awful for saying that but am trying to explain.

He told you that..do you believe him?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2024 15:40

He's paid for everything there and is treated like a cash machine including clearing over £300k of debt she had run up

If this refers to the late wife - and if it's true - the PP's comment that it may actually be his daughter's house he's living at could make sense

Either way the whole thing sounds a bit of a mess and do you really need that?

RedVelvetIcing · 03/12/2024 15:42

What nights doesn’t he stay over? Are they always the same nights? He could be anywhere the other two.

He doesn’t sound like a dirty or messy person from the way you’ve described him, his car etc but by effectively living with you he’s saving on energy bills, water bills and food shopping etc etc.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 03/12/2024 15:42

So what do the two of you do together as a couple ?

Surely he is not coming round your home 5 times a week and just watching tv / having sex.

Going out for dinner / drinks / cinema etc ? then he drops you off and he goes home, as then you wouldn't be hosting every time...

Weekends away ?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 15:43

SilverChampagne · 03/12/2024 15:34

Has he given any indication that he wants to live with you? It’s only been 6 months; bit early to be discussing shared futures unless both of you are actively on board.
Doesn’t sound like he is, to be honest.
He won’t even let you in the door!

Thank you, this is a large part of it. He's adament that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, sell-up at some point and for us to get a place together. Which is reassurring to hear if he's not just "future faking". I'm completely, embarrassingly, and sickeningly smitten, BUT I PROMISE YOU I"M NOT STUPID AND I'M NOT SELLING UP TO SHACK UP WITH A NEW GUY. 🤣
It would take me a very long time to take that step with someone, but asking him how he pictures us achieving it has seemed reasonable.

OP posts:
Hateam · 03/12/2024 15:45

"Third wheel", "Side piece".

Germaine Greer said that women don't know how much men hate them. I don't think women know how much they really do hate other women.