He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

Have you thought that originally the house was his wife’s and not jointly owned? If it was jointly owned the house may well have been left to both daughters but the father can live there until he moves out or dies. It would depend how the wife had written her will.
It all sounds like you’re being taken advantage of. I wish you luck with a better man. x

Or the daughter lets her dad live there.

Now normally I'd say this is a big red flag. However a few years ago a colleague was in a similar situation and in the end she discovered he had a massive hoarding issue. They broke up because of other issues, but the reason he wouldn't allow her to visit his home was because he was ashamed of it. Incidentally you would never heave guessed he was a hoarder from his well groomed appearance!

Staying at yours 5 nights per week , is not a fair distribution of finances. His being there increases your bills, while his bills are lower, unseen things like water usage, electricity, gas, extra food , and after you’ve known him 6 months? I wouldn’t want to see inside his place but I’d like him to see inside his own place more often! He has two days set? Think on about the cost to you of him staying at yours.

Staying at yours 5 nights per week , is not a fair distribution of finances. His being there increases your bills, while his bills are lower, unseen things like water usage, electricity, gas, extra food

……. and he won’t even let the OP use his loo

I suspect his house has pictures of his late wife inside and he thinks you'll be offended. His daughter may also have more issues than he's letting on, that's young to loose a parent.

If you want to continue your relationship you need to both discuss the future options

At a distance on a Tuesday and Thursday so you can find out what is happening on those nights that mean they have been so non-negotiable 😂

OP has dumped him (RTT.)
She told him it's over (unless perhaps he changes his behaviour.)

Thank goodness!

I loathe the way she called the daughter a "co-dependent third wheel"! Like no, you're actually the 3rd wheel here since you have no familial ties to either of them. How dare she refer to his daughter as a 3rd wheel. That daughter was probably all he's had before he met her and now, some random woman thinks she can define their relationship. I think he needs to rethink being with her instead. It's people like this that become grinchy step-mothers. I can't even comment on the main issue because of this smh

Maybe the daughter is saving up to buy her own place and since she has a great relationship with her dad, why rush to fill someone else's pocket with her money when it can be saved to buy her own place OR maybe it's actually the dad that doesn't want her to leave cos she's been all he had thia whole time. No one can tell why she's still at home and it's no one else's place to make speculative judgments on whether she should or shouldn't still be at home. This is for her dad to decide and since OP never said anything about how the dad has been trying to get his daughter to move out, I'll be assuming he is more than happy to have her there.

I know i wouldn't be in a rush to kick my kids out for no reason as long as they're reasonable adults pulling their own weight and are respectful. It's very hard for a lot of people to have money left over after paying bills every month.

OPs ex partner has 2 daughters so DD at home not "all he had"

OP explains later that this is how her ex partner speaks about the daughter at home.

OP has been hosting this man 5 days a week so he is hardly desperate to spend time with his DD.

It's no wonder the OP left the thread days ago.

Yup, you’re a bit late to the party @Quiinkong

Yes! He seems to be getting everything his own way. I'd try dialling down the number of nights at yours for starters.
Also, a 35 year old still at home & requiring his sole attention two days a week is a tiny bit odd.

I've read the whole of this thread (so far) & it's clear that many respondents have not!

You've left us hanging, we still don't know?

YANBU but he is setting his boundaries for the relationship and you can either accept them or move on.

Has he got the blow up dolls from the attic of the other poster on the other thread?

@Swimminglikeaswan you’re talking about a home-life, a future with this bloke

he’s giving you ALL the signs that he’s not interested in that, he’s getting what he wants out of you, a place to shag, no hosting and no effort on his part.

he has no plans to commit to you, he’s just riding the wave until you get fed up and he’ll find another gf to fulfill his needs

you’re worth more than this, you know this. End it.

NEXT!

sorry - know this is shit, but it’s going nowhere and won’t do. He’s using you

Maybe the daughter will make his life hell if he brings in 'another woman instead of her ma' inside the house.

I wiuld tell him that you don't want to see him at all until the decorating is finished. If that doesn't work, I'm afraid you are flogging a dead horse!

How do we know his need for attention didn't drive him to keep the daughter single? Maybe he has subtly scuppered any relationships she tried?

Aside from being her dead mum's mini me, dad's reliable companion and fecund sister's babysitter, she doesn't have much.

The guy sounds like a narc. Bad mouthing his dd behind her back. He should deal with issues direct with her. Not slag her off to his current sh@g

Cannot believe he is at your house for 5 nights a week and dies not contribute towards bills ! Tell him he can only stay 1 night a week .

"How do we know his need for attention didn't drive him to keep the daughter single? Maybe he has subtly scuppered any relationships she tried?"

Seems to me that it's more likely to be the daughter doing the scuppering.

If his car and property are immaculate stands to reason the inside would be too.
maybe he has raging OCD about his own place and can’t let you in - in case you mess it up. Stranger things have happened.
maybe he can relax at yours as the mess isn’t his…. Either way he needs to be honest about this situation. V odd. Can’t continue.