He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

@Isabellivi I find your posts quite sad. I don’t think you’ve read the OP’s updates, or the overwhelming support for her? OP is demonstrating great self respect and boundaries by knowing her worth and walking away here. It wouldn’t matter if she’s 25 or 75. The man has been treating her house as a hotel 5 nights a week with absolutely no reciprocity shown. Importantly, when she tried to discuss this with him, he came out with nonsense excuses rather than taking the opportunity to communicate openly and confide in her. He has now not contacted her despite knowing she was in hospital! On what planet is this her ‘sabotaging’ a ‘wonderful’ relationship? Please look at your own standards and what you are willing to accept in relationships, as your bar seems incredibly low.

If your boyfriend ‘probably’ has a personality disorder then I am assuming you have experienced a level of dysfunction and difficulty, and you should be wary. Do not settle for a problematic man because you fear no better is out there.

I agree. I don’t see what’s so great about a man having it all on his terms, getting free bed and board with added sex and telling lies to keep her away from his home.

No there aren’t exactly a huge number of eligible older men out there to date but that doesn’t mean settling or lowering your boundaries.

That is how it reads. I thought the same as you.

It's all in the posts.

10 years.

He's been widowed 10 years and if he isn't ready to commit to a relationship fully, he shouldn't be dating.

Youre right I don’t see a lot of the updates as you mentioned and I feel terrible to reply without knowing the whole story

I can only speculate and in general, 6 months is when relationships progress to true intimacy , past infatuation, or they end.

He is the one putting up a boundary and my guess is he is also taking time to assess whether he wants to move the relationship forward.

She can create a boundary around her home and time. She can communicate her needs without pushing on his boundary, which is actually very hard, masculine energy that will repel a good man.

She doesn’t have to host him and she can say “I don’t want to do all the hosting, with no reciprocity.”. And then she can create distance, or mirror the distance he has apparently already shown.

She can also take 2 days for self care, as he seems to do.

It’s possible he doesn’t want to “ restart a new family” at this stage in his life. Maybe he just wants a companion.

It’s very possible he is embarrassed by the home and/or is protecting himself in some way.

In general men need direct communication about what a woman wants and needs. But if the need is simply to control the relationship, and get her way without any regard for him, this is a turn off

@Swimminglikeaswan You sound lovely and have handled the criticism here with humour and civility. (not always found in bucket loads on MN.)

You are worth so much more than this.
Who knows what is the truth behind 'the house'.
It could be as simple as sheer embarrassment at living in a shit hole and he doesn't want to lose you if you saw it.

On the other hand, if you're close enough to have 5 nights a week together, you should be close enough to share all emotions - like feeling embarrassed by living in a dump.

He's only known you for 6 months and that's not time to do a make-over of the house. BUT if that is the reason, he should say so.

If it' s as simple as it being a shit hole, he may find it harder and harder to divulge this because the longer he delays the worse the whole thing looks.

I'm not defending him.

I think he may come back to you but if he doesn't, that proves he wasn't worth keeping anyway.

You look after YOU

Suggest you read all of her posts.

Everything you mention is in there.

Apologies I've never read every post! Well only you can really decide if you wish to continue or if you feel you're being used. Good luck with what you decide.

Can you ask the nicer daughter why he’s not allowing you to go to the house?
Make a joke out of it, ‘Does your Father not want me to know about his collection of vintage Barbie’s’.

Maybe he’s a cross dresser and on Tuesdays and Thursdays he becomes Beryl?

I'm not doing the pushing here!

My words exactly!

I think you need to read the posts

Absolutely. So tiresome to have to explain the same things over and over. If it wasn't enough not letting you into his house while squatting your place 5 days a week, not checking in on you after an operation is really unforgiveable. He really doesn't care. Throw this one back (atleast you don't have to deal with the daughter anymore :).

« The very co-dependent third wheel » got you in that situation.

she doesn’t want you in…probably coz you want her out?

Anyway, he didn’t invite you in. That should tell you all you need.

Good luck 🌺

His complaint, not mine!

It’s been 10 years

Interesting. I don’t mean that in any way sarcastic, BTW.

It is the direct opposite of what I have observed in my divorced or widowed friends. Bar one, nobody wants to “fully commit” to another relationship. Date, yes. Have dinners with, go to theater/cinema/share hobbies with…yes. Have sex exclusively with that one person, yes. Go on vacation with, yes.

But setting up home together? Getting married again? Dealing with dicey in-laws or complicated intra family dynamics again? Nah-uh. By & large they sound a resounding chorus of “been there, done that, never again”.

What’s wrong or reprehensible with just dating? Having fun, enjoying each others company but without an end goal? NB as long as BOTH parties are on board with this, of course. If one party hopes for more, it’s a problem, for sure.

Pondering if this was the real root cause of OP’s issue? Maybe her and her BF desires from and for that relationship just didn’t align and he was too chicken to outright say so…..

Why don’t you ask to use the loo when you pick him up?
or just ask to pop in for coffee / tea .. maybe it’s the thought of you sleeping in the old marital bed that is holding him back.
Start small.

Oh gosh!

he said that? I read you did…sorry op!

yeap. The more you say stuff, the more he doesn’t seem so nice at all…

He was doing the pushing

Never mind the grammar. Have they actually read any of this?

Well that’s a scorching précis. Not. I don’t know if I’ll post again after that asinine observation.
As you were.