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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 20:43

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 20:41

You're making a fool of yourself

You too.

SpryCat · 04/12/2024 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agree ☺️

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/12/2024 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Now, you see that’s not how it goes. At all. You post your opinion and instruct everyone to ignore any contrary opinion? Good luck with that

Pipconkermash · 04/12/2024 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Zone2NorthLondon · 04/12/2024 20:49

Keep up, you’re being unoriginal we have had drinking✔️ glue✔️nut job ✔️off my meds✔️
Try harder

Swimminglikeaswan · 04/12/2024 20:56

I'm going to wrap this up. As i said to you guys, my decision was made yesterday really.
I cannot thank you all enough for the support, thought, insight, and inspiration you have taken time out of your busy lives to offer me. An experience like this really restores your faith in human nature! Sending my thanks and love to every last one of you X

OP posts:
Manypaws · 04/12/2024 20:57

I hope everything works out for you x

TangoFoxtrotCharlie · 04/12/2024 20:57

You're moving at such different paces it might be best to end things. He's a widower, he's always going to have the memory of his wife and the mother of his children tied up with that house and it's going to take a while to adjust. Prioritising his daughter isn't a bad thing.

Honestly you can barely grow a cabbage in six months.

Middlemarch123 · 04/12/2024 20:58

@Swimminglikeaswan Good luck awesome lady x

KimMumsnet · 04/12/2024 21:09

Hello, all. We can see this thread's been going for a while, but we've had some reports about posts which break our Talk Guidelines. Please could you keep things on topic here without resorting to personal attacks? If you do see a post which breaks our Guidelines, please do report it straight to us rather than calling each other out on the thread. Thank you.

Donsyb · 04/12/2024 21:41

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 15:25

Just realised, you've probably hit a nail on the head there.

We've recently done our will and trust, and we have stated that in the event of a death, no one else can move in - to preserve the peace of the other residents (think daughter), our trust gives anyone living there lifetime interest, and no one else comes in, she won't want dads side piece coming in the house, sitting on the sofa, cooking in the kitchen. Her mums not even cold in the ground (could be 10 yrs but her memory is that house). It's probably that...

This is ridiculous. So the surviving partner is never allowed to move on? Even if the “child” is a grown adult?

my mum died when I was 30. A few years later my dad met a very nice lady. They loved separately for about a year, then when she sold her house she moved into my childhood home. About a year or so later they bought a house together.

I had no issue with any of that. I was happy for him and just glad he was happy and not lonely. Yes there were memories in that house but I wouldn’t expect him to live in it, lonely, for the rest of his life.

Donsyb · 04/12/2024 21:52

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 04/12/2024 20:13

Interesting. I don’t mean that in any way sarcastic, BTW.

It is the direct opposite of what I have observed in my divorced or widowed friends. Bar one, nobody wants to “fully commit” to another relationship. Date, yes. Have dinners with, go to theater/cinema/share hobbies with…yes. Have sex exclusively with that one person, yes. Go on vacation with, yes.

But setting up home together? Getting married again? Dealing with dicey in-laws or complicated intra family dynamics again? Nah-uh. By & large they sound a resounding chorus of “been there, done that, never again”.

What’s wrong or reprehensible with just dating? Having fun, enjoying each others company but without an end goal? NB as long as BOTH parties are on board with this, of course. If one party hopes for more, it’s a problem, for sure.

Pondering if this was the real root cause of OP’s issue? Maybe her and her BF desires from and for that relationship just didn’t align and he was too chicken to outright say so…..

Nothing’s wrong with that as long as they are clear with the person they are dating that’s the case up front. That doesn’t seem to be the case here. My dad and his DP were very clear neither had any intention of getting married again. It hasn’t stopped them living together.

Uricon2 · 04/12/2024 22:03

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 04/12/2024 20:13

Interesting. I don’t mean that in any way sarcastic, BTW.

It is the direct opposite of what I have observed in my divorced or widowed friends. Bar one, nobody wants to “fully commit” to another relationship. Date, yes. Have dinners with, go to theater/cinema/share hobbies with…yes. Have sex exclusively with that one person, yes. Go on vacation with, yes.

But setting up home together? Getting married again? Dealing with dicey in-laws or complicated intra family dynamics again? Nah-uh. By & large they sound a resounding chorus of “been there, done that, never again”.

What’s wrong or reprehensible with just dating? Having fun, enjoying each others company but without an end goal? NB as long as BOTH parties are on board with this, of course. If one party hopes for more, it’s a problem, for sure.

Pondering if this was the real root cause of OP’s issue? Maybe her and her BF desires from and for that relationship just didn’t align and he was too chicken to outright say so…..

All that is fair enough and of course fine if it suits both parties but it doesn't fit with

He's adament that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, sell-up at some point and for us to get a place together

or eagerly spending 5 out of 7 nights at OPs house. There is a big gap between what he's saying and the reality of excluing her from his "space" and only 6 months in or not, it's that that is the issue IMO.

Cyb3rg4l · 04/12/2024 23:30

SouthMumof2 · 04/12/2024 20:14

Why don’t you ask to use the loo when you pick him up?
or just ask to pop in for coffee / tea .. maybe it’s the thought of you sleeping in the old marital bed that is holding him back.
Start small.

He drove her to the supermarket to use the loo when his place was closer!!

CalicoPusscat · 04/12/2024 23:31

Wish you the best @Swimminglikeaswan

Highelf · 05/12/2024 00:28

Op could you tell him that Saturday and Wednesdays are now a busy time for you and he could change them for the Mondays and Thursdays he doesn't see you to get a response? It's odd it's 2 days the same every time

Bunny65 · 05/12/2024 01:12

He may well feel very awkward about having a girlfriend staying at his house (in his bed) if his daughter is there. Maybe he has never even done that or maybe his daughter has made him feel inhibited at the idea.

CatMummyOf3 · 05/12/2024 05:35

Sounds like you have made the right decision @Swimminglikeaswan. Wishing you all the best, hopefully one day you meet someone who doesn't have so much baggage/secrets/quirks 💐

Fireworknight · 05/12/2024 07:20

Bunny65 · 05/12/2024 01:12

He may well feel very awkward about having a girlfriend staying at his house (in his bed) if his daughter is there. Maybe he has never even done that or maybe his daughter has made him feel inhibited at the idea.

I don’t think op is e levying to jump straight into bed. She hasn’t even been in for a cup of tea, and when caught short recently, he drove to a supermarket rather than going g to his house to use the toilet , which was closer.

BlueFlowers5 · 05/12/2024 08:00

Maybe he likes you doing all the preparation shopping tidying as you host every meeting.
Perhaps he and his daughter have a stand off about housework, and maybe he doesn't do any.

He may well be using you as a hotel OP.

Throw this one back!

Bunny65 · 05/12/2024 09:28

Fireworknight · 05/12/2024 07:20

I don’t think op is e levying to jump straight into bed. She hasn’t even been in for a cup of tea, and when caught short recently, he drove to a supermarket rather than going g to his house to use the toilet , which was closer.

Wow, that is really weird as she has met the daughter.

TwistedWonder · 05/12/2024 09:32

Fireworknight · 05/12/2024 07:20

I don’t think op is e levying to jump straight into bed. She hasn’t even been in for a cup of tea, and when caught short recently, he drove to a supermarket rather than going g to his house to use the toilet , which was closer.

He really doesn’t want her walking through his front door does he? What a weird thing to do.

People saying why end a relationship over one thing but not even letting your partner piss in your loo is a pretty big thing imo

MyJoyousBiscuit · 05/12/2024 11:37

I had this exact situation but with a younger child and my ex living with his parents because his house, which he still paid a mortgage on, wasn't fit for a young child. He wouldn't let me see the house. I gave ultimatum after ultimatum but got nowhere. His daughter and him spent every weekend at my home, which I wasn't comfortable with, he kind of just unofficially moved in! I felt used and manipulated. He hated living at home in his mid 40s so used my home as a break from his poor parents house. Don't feel pressured into allowing this to continue. Set boundaries now and be relentless with those boundaries. It's your life and you're entitled to live it how you want. Good luck!

HumberstoneNJ · 05/12/2024 11:39

Hi. I do not think YABU at all.

Regarding how you feel, and what you've expressed with us, I expect you want a safe place to ask, and voice how you feel right now. To the critics: 'Emotions aren't right or wrong. They just are.'

I understand the frustrations when you are not invited in to his house, and how you host him but are excluded being allowed in to his home, and you're outside etc

On the face of it, very unbalanced.

TaylorBrown · 05/12/2024 12:25

See him twice a week.

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