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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why is my money his money?

485 replies

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:23

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

OP posts:
Enough4me · 03/12/2024 00:25

In marriage the finances need to be shared to a degree. Do you want him to go into debt? Would you consider leaving him?

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:27

Enough4me · 03/12/2024 00:25

In marriage the finances need to be shared to a degree. Do you want him to go into debt? Would you consider leaving him?

Thank you for your reply. We aren't married and I think he needs to contribute.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 03/12/2024 00:29

What’s he been doing for a year?

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2024 00:29

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:27

Thank you for your reply. We aren't married and I think he needs to contribute.

DH means husband.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2024 00:30

Why are you calling him DH if you’re not married?

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:31

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2024 00:29

What’s he been doing for a year?

Applying for jobs and, truthfully, not much else. Not a great believer in domestic tasks.

OP posts:
Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:32

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2024 00:30

Why are you calling him DH if you’re not married?

By accident really but I can't edit my OP.

OP posts:
WeeWigglet · 03/12/2024 00:34

I mean, I assume you're living together so if he's not earning, yes, you're going to have to pay the rent or you won't have a home.

But it changes things, him being a DP not DH. So he's no claim to your money if you chose to leave.

This is your opportunity to sort this out - what do you want to do?
What happens in the future? He gets another higher paying job & you're left trying to claw back your savings solo? Forget that.

Assuming you want to carry on the relationship, I'd ask him what he intends to do when he's employed again, compare it to what you think should happen & take it from there.

Don't let him fob you off with 'Ill sort it' or other vague versions of 'Im not telling you'.

UncharteredWaters · 03/12/2024 00:35

Well now he needs ANY job and by that I mean anything to bring in money.

A stint cleaning toilets in a nightclub might focus him on getting his act together to get a different job.

There are few people who can’t get any job in a year but many who can’t get the one they want.

Ellieostomy · 03/12/2024 00:38

Tbh if it was me and my DH, I’d feel glad he felt he could come to me and I wouldn’t mind helping out. But I also know if the tables were turned, he’d be equally generous. Long partnerships often have times where one is more financially dependant on each other, relationships are about give and take.

but if you feel like he’s doing too much taking and not enough giving, to the point where you don’t want to help him when he needs it, maybe it’s time for you to break up. I’ve been there and it will cause resentment whatever you do.

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:39

UncharteredWaters · 03/12/2024 00:35

Well now he needs ANY job and by that I mean anything to bring in money.

A stint cleaning toilets in a nightclub might focus him on getting his act together to get a different job.

There are few people who can’t get any job in a year but many who can’t get the one they want.

This is it exactly. I think he's holding out for a job he really wants rather than any job to bring in some money. I have made loads of suggestions including moving somewhere cheaper, he just says yes we could do that or I could get a job...

OP posts:
Monty27 · 03/12/2024 00:40

@UncharteredWaters well said.
@Autumntrees1234 you are right to smell a rat.

DaniMontyRae · 03/12/2024 00:41

You say you've always had separate accounts but have you always had separate finances and split all bills 50/50 when he was "earning tonnes"? If so, then its only fair anything above 50% you pay now is a loan that he repays once working.
If, however, you benefitted from him paying more than 50% of bills then morally you should help him out now. So long as he is actually trying to get a job, any job.

He should absolutely be doing the bulk of the housework.

Enough4me · 03/12/2024 00:42

You don't forget that you haven't married!!!

RubyMentor · 03/12/2024 00:50

just says yes we could do that or I could get a job..

Just to clarify - you are living off your savings and not working?

Not that's there a problem with that

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:57

RubyMentor · 03/12/2024 00:50

just says yes we could do that or I could get a job..

Just to clarify - you are living off your savings and not working?

Not that's there a problem with that

I work full time. I'm very happy in my work but I could get an extra job. I applied for a couple today. I think I have been supportive whilst he's been looking for work but I guess I'm frightened that we are now moving into a slightly more precarious situation.

OP posts:
HolyPeaches · 03/12/2024 00:59

Is he receiving universal credit/ job seekers allowance and working with a work coach at your local job centre?

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 01:00

DaniMontyRae · 03/12/2024 00:41

You say you've always had separate accounts but have you always had separate finances and split all bills 50/50 when he was "earning tonnes"? If so, then its only fair anything above 50% you pay now is a loan that he repays once working.
If, however, you benefitted from him paying more than 50% of bills then morally you should help him out now. So long as he is actually trying to get a job, any job.

He should absolutely be doing the bulk of the housework.

Separate accounts and fifty fifty proportionally. He did, when we could afford it, pay for holidays we had. I guess I could think about that. I think I'd feel less triggered if he helped in the house. He doesn't do any housework and I just feel like everything is on me. Maybe I need to try and take some deep breaths.

OP posts:
AffableApple · 03/12/2024 01:05

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 01:00

Separate accounts and fifty fifty proportionally. He did, when we could afford it, pay for holidays we had. I guess I could think about that. I think I'd feel less triggered if he helped in the house. He doesn't do any housework and I just feel like everything is on me. Maybe I need to try and take some deep breaths.

Sorry, what? He does no housework either?

What does he actually do?

LittleOwl153 · 03/12/2024 01:07

I'd absolutely change the housework position... even when he does work again - you work full time too he should be pulling his weight.

I think you'd be very fair to say to him he has to pick up the majority of the housework if he's expecting you to fund him! (Even as a loan!)

And I'm sure retail are still hiring ....

RawBloomers · 03/12/2024 01:13

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 01:00

Separate accounts and fifty fifty proportionally. He did, when we could afford it, pay for holidays we had. I guess I could think about that. I think I'd feel less triggered if he helped in the house. He doesn't do any housework and I just feel like everything is on me. Maybe I need to try and take some deep breaths.

If he doesn’t do ANY housework I would be having an absolute fit at him even if I was happy to pick up his expenses. Not working for a year and not doing any housework I would have had it with him

What does “fifty/fifty proportionally” mean? You pay the same, or not?

Have you been living a more expensive lifestyle than you really wanted because he wanted more expensive things than you but expected you to pay half?

And how is everything apart from the financial side (and the not doing any housework)? Are you happy with him? Does he make you laugh and feel loved? Do you (did you) see a future with him? Do you look forward to seeing him when you get home from work? Does he do things for you?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/12/2024 01:14

Neither of you seem to see yourselves as a team. What do you get from the relationship?

Tiredandneedtogotobed · 03/12/2024 01:31

Do not going into your savings to fund him. This is yours as you are not married.
he needs to get a job any job.
he certainly needs to be pulling his weight at home.
ot would be different if he was out of work last week but a year with no work? What has he been doing?

j would support my partner (not married) as he has supported me at times when I’ve been out of work mainly when I was studying. I still had a part time job as a waitress.he would also step up and do most of the household tasks if he was out of work.

stay firm on your savings.

ClairDeLaLune · 03/12/2024 01:31

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 01:00

Separate accounts and fifty fifty proportionally. He did, when we could afford it, pay for holidays we had. I guess I could think about that. I think I'd feel less triggered if he helped in the house. He doesn't do any housework and I just feel like everything is on me. Maybe I need to try and take some deep breaths.

He doesn’t do any housework? You have to do it all?? Whilst working full-time and he’s sponging off you??? Congratulations OP you’ve got yourself a grade A cocklodger. Does he have any redeeming qualities at all? Time for him to shape up or ship out, I feel.

Why on earth does he think it’s reasonable for you to do all the housework? Does his precious penis prevent him from doing it. For fucks sake it’s not the 1950s. Why on earth does do some men think like this, and why do some women let them?

BobbyBiscuits · 03/12/2024 01:33

Can he literally not get any job? If I had a home and partner and bills to pay I'd be taking anything I could get. Has he not even come close to getting something?

He needs to claim benefits and get even a minimum wage job asap. Who's going to pay for Christmas? I'm with you on this. You're not married. It's your savings and frankly it's none of his business.

You could tell him you'll consider lending it just because it's cheaper than a credit firm. But only with everything on paper. And be prepared that if he refuses to pay you back the relationship may be doomed.

I fail to see why he hadn't secured at least some work thus far though? Presumably he thinks he doesn't need to urgently enough?