Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

What did the 'presumprion in his voice' 'trigger'? Have you had money issues before? Orca previous partner with money issues?
Currently, you have a choice, albeit a rather bit Hobson's one; either help your DH or don't. Both choices have good and not so good consequences.
Depends on how you see the future with him

It's Christmas. He could get a job, if not the right job. Suggest he takes on a seasonal job for this month and January sales. He will feel better once some money is coming in, and his CV will look better without that big gap.

No, absolutely not.

Tell your DP that he needs to cover his own expenses or move out so you can get another lodger in.
His pride is bigger than his work ethic.

He should be prepared to work at menial tasks to earn money and he should also be cleaning up after himself and doing more around your shared abode.

I think it was triggering because I have been in situations where I haven't had any money in the past and I don't want to be in that situation again. My savings mean a lot to me. It's like a reassurance that I could look after myself. I think my partner would probably say I should be thinking it's a reassurance that I can look after us but I just don't feel that.

I think you need to learn the word NO. You need to say 'No I'm not putting notice on that account it's MY emergency fund. You need to get a job, any job. And you need to do 50% of the housework and cooking or maybe more as you're sat at home a lot of the time. I've been understanding but I'm giving you a kick up the bum to get going now. Stop sitting around thinking if you keep doing the same thing you're going to get the same type of job as you used to have. You need a different approach. You need to work your way up again. But you need a job now '
It will cause a huge argument but he will realise he's not moving into cock lodger territory! Some slack can be given as he's paid a bit more than you in the past but without the desperate motivation of I have to get work and not just the desire to get the job I want when I find it, he's getting used to being at home being waited on. My alarm bells went off when you said he had been off work and not contributing to housework or cooking! That's lazy and seriously unattractive.

He has sat on his arse for a year? Applying for jobs but doing literally nothing in the house?? He’s at home all day, you are at work but coming home and doing the cleaning and making his dinner??? Christ, I would go batshit.

So no op I do not think you should be funding anything at this point. Tell him to get a job, any job to enable him to pay his way. And while he’s at it, he can start taking responsibility for 50% of the housework. Or he’s out.

As you are not married YANBU. if you were married my answer would be completely different.

Would you expect him to do the same for you if the situation was reversed?

Hang on, You work full time and do all the household stuff and he’s suggesting YOU get a second job ?

It’s been a year ! He should be applying for anything not waiting for a job he really wants. Is he going to the job centre every week? Looking into additional training ?

Sorry but I’d be getting rid of him.

Voted because you wrote DH and now see it’s not. Makes a big difference

I don’t think he’s planning to work, OP.

He needs to get a job, any job, to contribute to rent and bills. Do not rent him any money.

I would be seething at the lack of housework he does. He sees you as a cash cow house maid.

Use this opportunity to dump him. This is not a man to have kids with. Send him to his parents.

If he has been trying to get a job for a year, he either is applying for roles he hasn't the experience or skills for or he really does not want to work. You now have yourself a cocklodger.

You really need to have a word with yourself about him not doing any housework. Unacceptable.

It doesn’t make much difference. A lazy husband with no job or inclination to do housework should be gotten rid of just as much as a live in partner.

It's nearly Christmas so there's probably lots of supermarket, warehouse and catering jobs. He needs to apply for anything. So he's just been sitting on his bum all year and not even done any housework?? Do you have children? Don't dip into your savings.

Okay so he’s been looking for work, but what does he DO all day? Because at a bare minimum I’d be expecting my unemployed DP to be contributing to the house (daily tasks, cooking) if I’m working and he’s not, and there’s no kids. You’ve allowed this to tumble on for quite a while OP, do you love him? Is it a relationship for the long haul?

I have reported my first post and asked it to be changed so people know we aren't married. I used the wrong abbreviation.

Would be better if you stopped doing everything and gave him a list. He now needs to take any job. It's obvious that after such a long break his skills are not in demand. Having worked through his savings his eye is now on yours. He needs motivation to pull himself up. Maybe cleaning and all the other chores will give it to him. While he's not working you shouldn't be expected to do very much at all.

Two ways of looking at this. On the one hand ideally you should be a partnership with sharing of assets and working together.
On the other hand he is not sharing the running of the household nor recognising that he must get a job .. any job .. in order to live.

The only solution is a proper conversation jn which you make it clear that you expect him to take on the housework, shopping and cooking since he is home all day, and also to take any job that brings in some cash. No compromise on these. And this would hold good whether your assets were pooled or not.

It does rather seem as though you are just 2 people who happen to share a house and a bed but are not in a partnership that has any substance. Is this your choice?

Lots of people are hiring for Christmas. He doesn’t have the luxury of holding out for a job he wants. Tell him to get a temporary job whilst he applies for ideal jobs.

But really I think you’ve saddled yourself with a dud. Get rid of him before you making a lasting commitment like marriage.

He sees what’s his as his and what’s yours as his too.

What does he bring to your life - he doesn’t sound like a partner and he should be stepping up with chores etc

@Autumntrees1234 is he receiving job seekers allowance/universal credit? If not, why not?

Yes, this. I am actually completely unsurprised by the OP’s post. Have many people on this thread have job hunted recently? It’s a very tough job market out there, especially now any London job that is advertised as ‘hybrid’ seems to attract applicants from Birmingham to Bournemouth. It seems to get worse with every month that passes as more and more people probably join the job market.

The ONS reported in Oct that the number of advertised vacancies had fallen. There was a recent segment on Jeremy Vine R2 (‘Jobs and Floods’) about the challenges of job hunting. There were lots of well qualified, motivated callers who just said that they were getting nowhere due to the intense competition.

Obviously getting a NMW job is a possibility, but I don’t think employers always want a late forties ex-manager in their team…

I do love him very much but I'm getting quite disillusioned about the difference in the effort we both put in. I think I work hard and I'm upset that when I get home from work the dishes are still in the sink. If I said please do the dishes he would. But I don't think I should have to. I'm not his mum. He's a grown up man.

@Autumntrees1234 has he changed his lifestyle apart from being more sedentary?? eg. buying clothes, going out with friends, takeaways etc???

Just remind him that when he was earning you had your own savings and that doesn’t change now he is out of work. Don’t use all your funds - it’s December and there is lots of seasonal work about , it just sounds like he is looking for something he would like rather than doing anything. He is not in a position to be choosy after a year out of work.