Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

Simple.

From now on he does job search in the mornings, every weekday. Housework in the afternoons, including cleaning bathrooms and kitchen, tidying, hoovering, preparing supper.

In return you fund your shared lifestyle for six months.

After that, you sell up and move somewhere cheaper. My guess is when faced with that, he'll either find a job or leave.

Do not allow him to drift or you'll be keeping him for life.

I think I'd feel less triggered if he helped in the house. He doesn't do any housework

Imagine OP you lost your job. You sat on your arse applying for things on the internet, but not lowering yourself to working for minumum wage in any old job. You did no housework, at all, leaving it to your full-time working DP. A year goes by.

You can't imagine it can you? So why the f*ck are you putting up with this?

You did not.

My DP was made redundant and didn’t work for 3 months. In that time he lived off his savings and did 99% of the housework as I work full time.

He then got a job as a supermarket delivery driver until he found something more suitable.

I understand your DP has run out of savings but he needs to be stepping up at home and finding any job to contribute to the household bills.

I can’t believe how casually you mentioned that he does no housework just as an aside. I would be fucking livid! How do so many men get away with this?! In my mind this is a far bigger issue than him wanting to pool finances.

Awooga! Awooga! Coklodger alert ⚠️ 📢

You do not need to take deep breaths… You need to lose your shit.
You need to tell him that there is no “Our Money.” He
needs to get any job now and contribute financially.

You need to ask yourself what kind of partner you want in life. What does he bring to your relationship? He doesn’t even help you around the home he doesn’t contribute to.

Has he really been applying for work?

If he can't pay his share of rent and you won't pay his share of the rent then you will be moving this year at some stage once eviction proceedings can kick in.

I would give notice to the landlord and move on to somewhere cheaper on your own and kick this charmer to the kerb.

To be honest, if my "partner" lacked the skills and motivation to get himself any kind of income in the space of a year, and he also wasn't absolutely hauling ass to keep the house in a good state/improve it or add some kind of value to the relationship, I'd see it as time to go our separate ways.

On one hand, married people should float the other side to an extent when joblessness is a factor.

However, considering he's been looking for a year and not even had the decency to step up in the home in the meantime, I think I'd be inclined to tell him if he hadn't found work in 3 months time, I want out of the marriage.

I would have given him up to a(nother) year supporting him if he hadn't acted like an entitled, lazy, cocklodging shit. But he has so, protect yourself.

Absolutely don't let him near your ring-fenced money.

You’re not even married so no I wouldn’t give him any of your savings. He’s been unemployed for a year and preferred to burn through his savings rather than take any job just to be earning something. He sounds incredibly selfish.

There are lots of places hiring people right now for the Christmas period. Locally have seen Marks foodhall, Tesco, Aldi and others advertising. Why can't he get something like this? It goes down well with future potential employers, as it shows a good work ethic

This. I wouldn't be with a man who did no housework. Let alone unemployed and does no housework. FFS what's he for?

Absolutely do not use your savings. You’re not married and to be honest the relationship sounds like it might not last.

How long have you been together?

How old are you?

Got kids?

Want kids?

If you don’t already have them and you want them, and you’ve still got time to meet someone else, I absolutely do not recommend having kids with this lazy man. It will ruin your life and that’s no exaggeration.

It's really shocking to me that he does no housework even though you're working full time and he's not working at the moment. I'm not surprised that makes you less likely to want to help him out! Have you spelt that out to him? If he expects you to support him, he needs to be doing nearly all of the cooking / cleaning / laundry and be prepared to apply for any job. Otherwise he's taking the piss in a big way.

Keep the savings separate. Tell him he needs to get any old job while applying for the jobs he really wants.

Household tasks - what’s his justification around doing so little. Have you challenged him?

He does sound like he’s taking you for a ride.

Unmarried & made redundant this year. Luckily it provided funds for me to maintain our (my share of 50:50) lifestyle for x months.
I had 2 searches going.

The first was my professional search to continue my career - it’s not niche but it was the worst time of year to be immediately available.

The second search was NMW roles, part time. Money which I could use to slow down the savings ‘burn rate’.
My partner was very supportive & picked up the tab here & there and we was on the understanding I’d ask if I needed help. (Independent woman & all that was determined not to, but not to our financial detriment). We moved the housework & cooking etc away from being 50;50 and I assumed most of it in the week & at weekends we split it.

If you’re in a partnership & living together and you split things imho this is what you can expect from him as reasonable.

Your current set up makes it sound as though even once he has a job it’ll be a good few years before your financial safety net is rebuilt. He needs to get a NMW role.

You're making it too easy for him to drift along with no urgency to bring anything to your relationship
You are paying for everything yet he asks you to transfer your savings so he can take the piss even longer
It changes everything that he's DP not DH as your savings are yours alone
He's not a DP either because you are not a partnership.
Certainly Financially you'd be better off without him.
Once resentment creeps in, there's no way back imo and I'd certainly be resenting him

Sounds like you need another BIG conversation. Where you say this doesn’t feel fair; it never felt like our money before when you were earning lots. Also, I have always resented that you don’t do much around the house, now I’m the only one employed and still doing everything around the house, I can’t actually keep living like this, we need a whole new set up where we support each other and share.

the housework would be a total dealbreaker for me , like love would have long since died. And since you’re not married, I wouldn’t be using a penny of savings until I got a sense of ‘us’ from him.

Leave him OP.

The house work thing is a massive red flag and indicator of who he really is. He’s a scrounger and will drain you
i can’t get a job either but 99% of my energy goes into looking after my home and family. Nobody could argue that I don’t pull my weight ever.

He wants to spend your savings while you are the only one that works AND does all the housework!? HAHAHAHA no.

He's an adult.

Adults earn money to live, or claim benefits if they are unable to work through ill health.

Adults also wash, cook, clean, iron, shop etc for themselves.

He's doing neither - so he's basically a giant child.

How deeply unattractive OP. I'd get rid.

PS don't give him a penny of your savings. You won't see it again.

You have entered your 'Funding a Cocklodger' era. How on earth can he still be unemployed after a year? Has he put his name down with agencies, called in his contacts, got on LinkedIn/Indeed? Surely by now he should be ready to take anything, even a few shifts down the local 'Spoons? It's remarkable that he thinks it's acceptable to do no housework - completely entitled, selfish, behavior. You are right to feel miffed and you need to tell him.

What job did he do? Are you in an area of the country with few jobs?
What was the conversation about you applying for a 2nd job? As in - how does he think that you can get another job and he can’t get one at all?
Is he compromised in some way in what he can do? Can’t drive or can’t speak English or something fundamental?
What is the housing situation?

I voted YABU along with everyone else who thought this was a husband. Marriage changes everything.

Sounds like a bum. Whatever you do, DO NOT marry him otherwise your money will technically be his money too!
Imagine what he would be like if you had kids. Let him go on Universal Credit if he can’t afford the rent who will make him job search. Personally I would be be out and not spend a penny on him.