Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

You really need to agree your financial arrangements. Are you effectively common law partners, do you share a mortgage, do you both see this as a long term relationship?
If it's a precarious relationship id be looking to protect my savings. Long term stable relationship, you need to pull together and support each other during difficult times.
If he has no money he needs to get a job, ANY job. Like Sainsbury's driver or cashier. There's no room for pride when there are bills to pay.
And if he's out of work he needs to find another way of contributing to the household, like DIY, housework, cooking dinner. If he doesn't do any (preferably all) of those things then your relationship feels very one sided and possibly doomed.

If men had historically been suppressed from earning, didn't have their earnings/pensions/promotional prospects hit when they had kids, were earning 20%+ less than what women were in comparison, you may have a point.

I think there is a point even still that as men earn more (generally), didn't have to fight every step of the way to get their own bank accounts and credit cards in their own names etc. etc. etc. that your suggestion about seeing this post written from the other way around might be interesting.

I'm not sure of the validity of seeing the post from the other way around based on what the OP is currently facing though.

Agree 1000%, there are a lot of males on this thread conflating bumming around the house endlessly (not so much as carrying a dish to the dishwasher) like the man in OP's post, with unemployment due to full-time childcare or long-term sickness/disability. It's not the same thing!

didn't have to fight every step of the way to get their own bank accounts and credit cards in their own names etc. etc.

What on earth are you talking about? Why would you think a woman would have 'to fight' to get her own bank account or credit cards??

Women in the UK couldn't open a bank account in their own name until 1975. Here is a timeline with some more things women had to fight for.

www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2014/aug/11/women-rights-money-timeline-history

Thanks to women who did have to fight for the right to financial independence during the last century you’re able to ask such an incredibly ignorant question @sandyhappypeople.

I agree with @Blossomtoes above.

However, I'd like to know the sources for some of the information in that Guardian article. I don't believe women couldn't have their own bank accounts or enter credit agreements without the approval of a man prior to 1975. Both my grandmother and mother had their own bank accounts, my mother certainly before she was married in 1960 and my grandmother was the principal shareholder in a significant business from the early 1950s. I'm also not persuaded that the retirement age was equal for men and women from 1986 as quoted.

I had a bank account with a cheque book aged 16, and a bank card aged 17. 1976/7. I just walked into the bank and asked for one. Nobody gave me permission and it was much easier to open a bank account then than when my eldest was 16 in about 2010. I was 18 in 1978 and had no issues buying a drink in a pub or wine bar. I did from 1975/6 when I was 15/16 - with no questions asked and no ID required.

There were of course sexist comments and attitudes and we countered them.

FWIW DH and I do not have a joint account. We have been married for 33 years and have never had an argument about money.

We're the same age.

I started working as a teacher in '84. In my 2nd yr of teaching, I discovered that my first two years of pension contributions would disappear if I were to die in service; however, the two male probationers who started the same time as me would have their contributions passed to their parents.

I can't recall the precise date, but that only changed when certain legislation came completely in effect. (The act had already been passed.)

I certainly had my own bank account when I was a teenager. I think I got my first cheque book when I was 18 - I can't recall precisely: it might have been a bit sooner.

It was a question - hence the ?

Window cleaner would B associated WITH U

It is a rather out dated thing now - even though we still have windows

@WearyAuldWumman I absolutely agree that the pension system was reprehensible when we were in our 20s. I wasn't even eligible for the occupational pension scheme until I was 24. That applied to the men too. That was in financial services as it's now known!

To be fair dd is teaching and her school now puts new recruits into a DC scheme rather than the TPS so I think it's swings and roundabouts vis the pensions. When MIL was pg with DH she had to stop teaching at Easter when DH was due in August because it wasn't seemly for a noticeably pregnant woman to be teaching the little children. No job to return to of course.

Would you have changed anything overall though? I think it's tougher for them now despite their rights.

I do think that it's tougher for young women these days. There seems to be an expectation that they have to do everything perfectly.

I remember when I was at secondary - must have been about '76 - two of our music teachers were married to one another. The wife was heavily pregnant and wearing a maternity smock whilst conducting one of the school choirs at the end of term concert. As we were all leaving, one of the mums was loudly complaining about the teacher "displaying herself in that condition"!

I think the statement about banking comes across like it was a fixed line when the picture was a lot fuzzier. Since 1870, women legally owned money they earned rather than their husband, and 1922 Law of Property Act gave equal inheritance rights. Banking in general wasn't common outside savings accounts until the 1970s. Equal pay in 1970 made the first major step to equality and the Sex discrimination act of 1975 made it illegal for a bank to discriminate against women for opening an account or more particularly applying for a loan, with women having been perceived as higher risk. However not all banks discriminated against all women before that; some would ask for an authorisation letter from a husband, but not all. The same way a pub COULD turn women away before 1982, but most did not.

Do you think windows just clean themselves nowadays?

You are not being unreasonable. However you could negotiate payments to your creditors and other outgoings you have and keep your savings.

It sounds like a bigger and wider conversation to be had about your values around spending and saving etc.

I have and would do anything to keep the money coming in, temp work, delivery driver, stacking shelves, care work. The time has come for your DH to do this, there are always ways to keep the money coming in.

Ha, ha, ha
?????
!!!!!!!!!!
It could NOT B easier for young women these days, that IS Y MOST now get a bad rep.
They JUST play the system ... , council flat , tax credit

Bollocks.

I think you're both being a bit immature about money to be honest. If you marry someone and I assume have a joint mortgage, then you accept that you are sharing the responsibility - if one person can't pay their share then you'll have to. Your husband can't magic up money out of thin air. Hopefully you don't have kids cos I can't imagine how that 'my money, your money' situation plays out. What would you expect him to do if it was you that was unemployed and skint?

Why have you referred to him as your 'dear husband' if you're not married?

Yeah I wouldn't put up with a partner sitting on their backside for a year when they could get a job at a supermarket or working deliveries.

FWIW, I think his chances of getting his dream job are gone after sitting on his backside for a year. it tells you a lot about a person's work ethic and character that they would rather do nothing for a year and burn through their savings rather than get a minimum wage job.

Keep your savings in the 90 days notice account in case you need the cash as as escape fund. Similar thing happened to me when I was younger, my then husband lost his job, expected me to pay all the bills which I did as we had a mortgage and a child, wasn't very active in job hunting and didn't help out with the chores. I eventually found out that while I was working he was having an affair, needless to I told him to leave. Found it quite difficult initially but have no regrets.

I wonder if he is depressed. A year out of work can do a lot to undermine your confidence. I definitely believe he should be contributing to the housework. Perhaps, a deep conversation is needed to cover how you are both feeling and take it from there.

To all of those commenting about him being out of work for so long. So to put some context on the job market at the moment. I was made redundant last Christmas and I have spent the entire year looking for work - applying for literally hundreds upon hundreds of jobs. I'm too senior/too over qualified, jobs have gone to internal candidates or pulled at the last minute as budget didn't get signed off. I've got some freelance work at the mo but never EVER did I think id be in this situation one year on.

I pay 80% of bills still and have used almost my entire savings and I'm now looking at drawing down on my pension to make ends meet. I wake up every day worried, stressed and anxious - its mentally exhausting. I'd take any job but because of my experience and seniority I don't get them - I can't get shop work, I've tried. According to the recruiters I know, this is the worse job Mkt in over 30 years.

My DH would do anything to help me and take away this stress because we are a team and we love each other. So seriously I’d reassess this relationship. Also if you're in a job lets hope you keep it as now is an awful time to be out of work.

This judgement makes me angry. I've been looking for a job for a year since being made redundant - in my profession I am very senior - but I'm not above taking any job to bring some money in. But despite applying for the jobs you mention as well as ones in my profession I'm still looking.

This is the worse job market in 30 years according to recruiters. I've been turned down for minimum wage jobs because I'm ‘too senior/experienced and wont stay’ apparently! I get up as though I have a job and spend all day - 7 days a week - applying for jobs. Sometimes the applications can take hours to do - I spent 4 hours yesterday on one application. I was interviewed over 5 months - yes 5 - and the job was then moved to Australia. Another job after 8 interviews was pulled as the didn't get the budget signed off - id spent over a week writing a business plan ready for the next interview. So what does that tell you about my work ethic and character!!!!

It's your money - but, more importantly, YOUR decision. If it will help YOU (e.g. save your marriage), then it would make sense. But either way it is YOUR money, not his.