Page 20 | Why is my money his money?

Autumntrees1234 · 2024-12-03T00:23:00+00:00

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

Dimpliy · 08/12/2024 17:11

Mum0ntherun · 08/12/2024 12:10

This judgement makes me angry. I've been looking for a job for a year since being made redundant - in my profession I am very senior - but I'm not above taking any job to bring some money in. But despite applying for the jobs you mention as well as ones in my profession I'm still looking.

This is the worse job market in 30 years according to recruiters. I've been turned down for minimum wage jobs because I'm ‘too senior/experienced and wont stay’ apparently! I get up as though I have a job and spend all day - 7 days a week - applying for jobs. Sometimes the applications can take hours to do - I spent 4 hours yesterday on one application. I was interviewed over 5 months - yes 5 - and the job was then moved to Australia. Another job after 8 interviews was pulled as the didn't get the budget signed off - id spent over a week writing a business plan ready for the next interview. So what does that tell you about my work ethic and character!!!!

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But he is not applying for jobs out of his sector, like you are, so this poster isn’t talking about you. So why are you angry?

Mum0ntherun · 08/12/2024 18:41

Dimpliy · 08/12/2024 17:11

But he is not applying for jobs out of his sector, like you are, so this poster isn’t talking about you. So why are you angry?

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How do you know what he's been applying to as its not stated and its the assumption that he doesn't want to work and has been sitting on his backside all year. Its the arrogant judgement of the post that made me angry. People are very quick to judge and be negative with little fact on here at times.

Dimpliy · 08/12/2024 18:43

Mum0ntherun · 08/12/2024 18:41

How do you know what he's been applying to as its not stated and its the assumption that he doesn't want to work and has been sitting on his backside all year. Its the arrogant judgement of the post that made me angry. People are very quick to judge and be negative with little fact on here at times.

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OP has said it, did you even RTFT?

smithsgj · 08/12/2024 22:56

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 06:49

I don’t think he’s planning to work, OP.

He needs to get a job, any job, to contribute to rent and bills. Do not rent him any money.

I would be seething at the lack of housework he does. He sees you as a cash cow house maid.

Use this opportunity to dump him. This is not a man to have kids with. Send him to his parents.

Edited

I agree, and OP has said she's annoyed that he doesn't do any housework but hasn't explained why that situation arose. It's the 21st century not the 1950s, and you'd expect her to have noticed he wasn't pulling his weight a week after moving in together, not a year after him losing his job.

I still have a job and so I don't know how easy it would be for me to find a new one if I got the boot. Again there's not enough info to go on, but I'm not sure how easy it is to get a minimum wage job if you have qualifications and experience: they'd probably say you were overqualified?

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2024 00:00

BIossomtoes · 06/12/2024 21:52

Thanks to women who did have to fight for the right to financial independence during the last century you’re able to ask such an incredibly ignorant question @sandyhappypeople.

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Oh come off it, this is the point I was replying to:

I think there is a point even still that as men earn more (generally), didn't have to fight every step of the way to get their own bank accounts and credit cards in their own names etc. etc. etc. that your suggestion about seeing this post written from the other way around might be interesting.

it isn't ignorant to point out that this isn't the reality NOW ffs.

I hazard a guess that there isn't a woman on this site that has ever struggled to open a bank account or get a credit card because they are a woman. so it is COMPLETELY IRELEVANT to the issue OP is facing, that is the point I am making.

Dimpliy · 09/12/2024 00:07

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2024 00:00

Oh come off it, this is the point I was replying to:

I think there is a point even still that as men earn more (generally), didn't have to fight every step of the way to get their own bank accounts and credit cards in their own names etc. etc. etc. that your suggestion about seeing this post written from the other way around might be interesting.

it isn't ignorant to point out that this isn't the reality NOW ffs.

I hazard a guess that there isn't a woman on this site that has ever struggled to open a bank account or get a credit card because they are a woman. so it is COMPLETELY IRELEVANT to the issue OP is facing, that is the point I am making.

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There are many women being financially abused in the UK and many have posted threads on
MN.

They may have access to a bank account, but that bank account is often empty because the husband tells her that if she wants to
work she has to pay for childcare from
her wages. Or the husband works and only gives his SAHM wife a couple of hundreds of pounds a month with which to buy food, clothes, school things. Or he makes his wife contribute 50% of her wage to household bills even though he earns three times as much as he does.

So having a bank account doesn’t always mean independence.

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2024 00:36

Dimpliy · 09/12/2024 00:07

There are many women being financially abused in the UK and many have posted threads on
MN.

They may have access to a bank account, but that bank account is often empty because the husband tells her that if she wants to
work she has to pay for childcare from
her wages. Or the husband works and only gives his SAHM wife a couple of hundreds of pounds a month with which to buy food, clothes, school things. Or he makes his wife contribute 50% of her wage to household bills even though he earns three times as much as he does.

So having a bank account doesn’t always mean independence.

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have you even read the comment chain you're replying to?.. I'll break it down for you:

OP
My partner lost his job and I still insisted he paid 50/50 of all the outgoings and and now he's ran out of money, he's asking me for money and I don't want to give him any of mine even though we live together and he's always paid more than me.

Lots of posters:
he's a freeloading cocklodging waste of space, you should get rid of him.

Next PP
I’d love to see the MN answers if this post was the other way around and OP was guy

Next PP
historically women earned less and couldn't have their own bank accounts or get credit cards, so reversing the sexes can't be comparable.

Me:
what the fuck has that got to do with the price of fish?

Next poster
how ignorant of you, women fought for the right to have a bank account!

me:
yes, but women are not denied bank accounts because of the fact that they are a woman NOW and they haven't for a long time, so it is irrelevant to OPs situation???

you
women suffer financial abuse and their husband don't let them have full access to bank accounts (which, while very true, is not the point in this conversation at all).

To put it simply, if OP was a man and his partner lost her job and he insisted on her paying 50/50 towards the bills even though she had no income, the posts would be VERY different, they would be questioning his decision to insist on her paying bills when she had no income for a start, and why he let her blow through all her savings, instead of him contributing more for a while till she got back on her feet.

OPs partner sounds like a useless waste of space in fairness, and OP is right to not agree to fund his lifestyle now, a year on IMO, because he obviously doesn't want a job, but I'm absolutely shocked that anyone would make their partner contribute half of the bills from the get go when they have no income coming in.

memyselfi · 09/12/2024 13:02

No I wouldn't be dipping into savings for a boyfriend who hasn't worked in a year .

miss79guided · 12/12/2024 09:28

CagneyAndLazy · 07/12/2024 05:46

Do you think windows just clean themselves nowadays?

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The weather STILL cleans them nowadays
So what - NEED to spend money buyin furry dice for my porsche INSTEAD of spending money on a window cleaner

DearDenimEagle · 16/12/2024 23:39

HollyKnight · 03/12/2024 12:11

Eh? I didn't say they weren't paying 50/50 now. I said it wasn't 50/50 before he lost his job which she was fine about. It was "proportional" then, but it wasn't "proportional" after he lost his job as he was still paying despite not having an income. So maybe when he gets a job again they'll keep it 50/50. She can pay half the rent and half the bills rather than a third less. Fairs fair.

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That might suit her better. After all the rent he used to pay has not gone up much. She used to pay all the bills, plus half the food etc, and those bills have gone up a lot.
Anyway, if she uses her savings and another year goes by with no job, they will be back here where they started only she has no savings.
They are not married. So many women, married or not, can’t leave a partner because they have nothing to leave with and start over. It took me 10 years to save from scratch . I was stuck in abusive marriage for an extra 10 years because I’d used my savings to buy him things he decided he needed once he realised I had savings, Then it turned really nasty and I was stuck.
He isn’t even doing housework and told her she could get a second job, while he does nothing. So, she can get a second job while he can’t get one? If getting a job is easy for her, why hasn’t he got one?
That’s not a man worth staying with.