Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

My DH lost his job earlier this year due to an accident at work. I am funding our life atm. However he home educates our 3 DC, is renovating the house (back injury and recovery permitting- he has to take it steady and rest some days) and we split the housework between us.

I had to go into our office 3 hour drive away yesterday, when I got home he'd cleaned up and started dinner even though he is sick with tonsillitis atm.

Your DP is moving into cocklodger territory, I understand you wanted to support him after losing his job, but he also needs to support you. It would be dangerous to dip into your savings, as that is your emergency fund really. So now he needs to get a job, any job. He should be cleaning and cooking anyway, as he eats and lives in the house too.

Good luck OP

What does ‘fifty-fifty proportionally’ mean? It’s either fifty-fifty — you split all bills equally — or proportionally—you split bills in proportion to your earnings.

The man is a total cocklodger and is USING YOU!!!

the only option is to LTB

what's he doing all day if he's not able to do some house work? a year is a bloody long time to be out of work OP. He's not trying hard enough. Has he signed up with the job centre? they'll find him a job ASAP or even an agency!

absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry you are going through this.

YABU.

If you’re happy to get kicked out of your house then only pay your half of the rent, you do you 🤷‍♀️ How would you feel if he wouldn’t pay your half if you became unemployed? Oh, I know, you’d make a post on MN whinging about him…

I never understand married couples who don’t share finances and, as for you two, you sound like flatmates who aren’t overly keen on one another 🙄

My ex was like this . He was made redundant with no real payout then spent months supposedly looking for work. I continued to take our son to nursery as places were like gold dust so he had no childcare and did minimal housework. He did sign on and eventually the Jobcentre got him a job in a frozen chicken factory ( completely outside his normal area of work) That soon focused him on finding another job😂

To everyone insisting that the OP’s partner should get a minimum wage job it’s not actually as simple as that. Employers are going to be wary of someone who is very over qualified, well aware that it’s only a stopgap and worried that he will be difficult to manage. Plus it will be more difficult to go to interviews for jobs he really wants.

OP, he’s got to pull his weight domestically. That’s non-negotiable.

On the job front, is he looking at contract work or freelancing in his area?

It would be helpful to have a bigger picture of

-how old you both are
-what work he did and is looking for
-if you have children together

I agree he should be getting any job (to an extent) but if he's a professional and well qualified in his field, he should be asking for feedback on his interviews (if he can get any.) If he's always had a professional role, falling into cleaning toilets won't look good on his CV (no matter how people believe it shows ' something'.)

Is his type of work in demand or not? Is he registered with agencies?

Why is he out of work in the first place? Redundancy?

Going for interviews and being rejected several times is a red flag.
It could be how he presents himself, his manner of speaking, body language etc.

He doesn't sound much of a partner because he's not pulling his weight at home.

I don't think you should give him any money. Yes you need to pay the bills but I'd put a time limit on all of this. And seriously consider if you're suited as a couple.

If you aren’t married then it’s not his money. You decide what level of support you are willing to give him. But don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Unless it’s really worth it for you.

I don’t think strangers on the internet can advise you here about what’s right or wrong. But you certainly aren’t legally obliged to share anything.

It's best to read ALL by the OP- they aren't married.

All the supermarkets are employing recent graduates. Or less qualified people if they can.

Of you you don't have to support him. You need to make a decision. You can either support or separate.

Your are not married so I agree you should look after your own savings. If you were a married couple with a family I would completely disagree.

OP I think there are 2 issues here - the money, and the share of domestic work.

As far as the money is concerned, whilst I agree about not dipping into your savings, I think you’ll have to accept that you’ll have to take over the payments for everything. If not you’ll have unpaid mortgage, bills etc, and that won’t benefit anyone. And surely if you’d been the one to lose your job, you’d have turned to him to keep a roof over your head?

I think the reason it’s annoying you so much is because of his laziness around the house, and that’s a huge issue that you need to address as a matter of urgency.

He’s a cocklodger. He’s had a year to find some sort of job. My 18 yr old has 2! DD over the summer holidays from uni had 3! He’s needs to get out and earn. He also needs to be doing all the housework whilst not in a job and 50;50 when he is.
Don’t take out your savings for him.

that being said, he gives me the ick and I’d dump him.

Does he feel sorry for you working full time and being unhappy that you are carrying all of the domestic load because he can't be bothered to do the dishes?

You need an honest conversation with him. He needs to pull his finger out at home and you need to point out that he didn't share finances when he was working, so why is he expecting you to offer up your life savings to him now?

I would tell him that you'll pay the bills for three months, but that your savings are staying separate, and then you'll both need to review the situation if he's still out of work in three months' time.

I understand the desire to want a job that he would like to do, but he's been out of work for a year. He needs to get a job - any job - so that he is earning and contributing. It's totally unfair and unrealistic to expect you to cover the bills indefinitely so that he can wait for something that he fancies doing to turn up. Plus the gap on his CV will become more and more difficult to cover.

OP your posts are very confusing. Are you saying he's told you to get a second job?!

He needs to take a NMW job to pay towards his living costs whilst looking fur a job he wasn't. At 61 I have never been unemployed when I've needed/ wanted work. He is being lazy and he needs to pay his way. A year of NMW would have netted him over £18,000 in the year. Ridiculous he hasn't done that.

Sorry. When he was working he earned a lot more money than me, so he paid our rent and I paid our bills, we shared our food bill and incidental bills, petrol, going out etc. . He paid around a third more than me. Since he lost his job he has used his savings to carry on paying the rent and I carried on paying our bills and picked up all food bill, put petrol in the car, any going out we do (which isn't very much). The rent has stayed more or less the same, tiny increase which I pay, all our bills have gone up. So up to now I have probably been paying the same as him and probably more if I added up every thing.

In many places there's always factory work through agencies that pays well above NMW (it was in the news that they couldn't get people even when paying £16 ph). It's dull and could be shifts but it would pay the bills until he finds the job he wants.

If he's having interviews but not being successful does he need some coaching in interview technique?

There's big decisions to be made here. Time to address them, quickly.

If you agree to his proposal then it'll feel like you're investing in him. You'll feel like you need to hold onto the relationship because of your investment - so think about whether you do want to hold onto it, even if you're paying 100%, working full time and doing all domestic work, while he does nothing.

If you're willing to hold on to it but only if there's changes made, communicate that very clearly to him. If he wants to treat this like a partnership and money is 'shared', then other aspects of your life are also shared - the housework, cooking etc if not 100% your responsibility.

Personally, if you don't have kids I'd get out now - or at the very minimum couples counselling and some very big changes.
He's not currently improving your life, and he's about to start costing you money too - resentment is not easy to get over.

You would have to be absolutely out of your mind to touch your savings for a lazy man who doesn't lift a finger and treats you like a skivvy.

He could have picked up an evening job to help him tick over while looking, and done his share of house work.

He chose to be a lazy waster.

Get over your love of him if you want a decent future.
Look at moving on asap.

Love is only a hinderence to a good life if it is for a lazy loser.

Do not touch your savings under any circumstances.

Do you want to answer some of the other questions- like what work did he do, why did he lose his job, is he registered with agencies etc?

If he' s looking for jobs in the public sector many of those are filled internally but legally they have to be advertised externally.

I sympathise with his position in that he had a good job and is now unable to find anything on that level. However, it’s been a year now so he has to just get anything he can. Make sure he knows he can’t live off you and will have to go home to his parents/get a bedsit/houseshare if he can no longer contribute.

So you’re not married… I wondered to myself if he was not interested in marrying you when he was the big earner? Just wondering…

The domestic stuff is a separate issue. It’s not on and he needs to do his share at the very least.

Don’t lose your savings! You don’t say your ages or if there’s children but your savings are important for future security. You can’t always rely on the men in your life; as you’re finding out.

This is exactly what i was going to write. If he is a right handed widget salesman and those jobs are hard to find, he may have to consider selling left handed widgets. After a year he is starting to look like a cock lodger.

Have you said to him, ‘You need to do your share of stuff round the house without me asking or telling you.’?