Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

Do you own or rent?

This isn't the one.

He's not a provider, nor a team mate. Even if the sex was good that'll wear off as you get the ick. If housework and low wage jobs are beneath him then be assured that sharing the grunt work of parenting would be even more so. Even if he was a fun companion with shared interests, it won't survive the resentment and disrespect.

Don't you want more for yourself than this?

Keep your money, get a place you can afford on your own. And I say all that as someone who believes that once married, it makes sense to share finances and work together.

Sounds to me as though he’s expecting to land a Big Important Job and live off you until he does. Bollocks to that. There are plenty of minimum wage jobs about and he should not be living off your savings when he could do one of those.

Anyone who's been out of work for a year either isn't trying very hard or is utterly unemployable. Tell him to go out and get a job, any job. Even a min wage job is better than sitting on his arse and doing fuck all. There's got to be something about, even if it's temp/agency work.

And the CF doesn't believe in domestic tasks? Is that another way of saying he's a lazy, idle misogynistic arse as well? Can you not kick him out now?

His current situation is he doesn’t have to work or do any house work. His motivation to find a job will therefore be low.
what is his plan when your savings run out?
he needs to be claiming benefits and be made to realise he needs to get a job, any job and to be doing ALL the housework until then to increase his motivation.
in now situation ever should you take on a second job, that would only decrease his motivation!

So he hasn't worked in a year, doesn't do housework & is now suggesting that you work full time, do all the housework & get an additional job to bring money in? Honestly I don't think I would want to stay with him.

Do you own the house/flat or rent?

Keep your savings - he needs to get any job at this point. What is his industry?

What you need are not deep breaths

You either need to help support him or break up.
Make it clear you cant just live off your what long term so its crucial he gets a job.

I know many people who held high-paying jobs for years but were made redundant and, even five years later, haven’t found roles at the same level. Many high earners find it challenging to accept lower salaries. However, since lockdown, there’s been a growing number of people, like myself, working for London-based companies while living in more affordable areas, where lower wages are more acceptable due to reduced living costs.

Despite claims to the contrary, ageism does exist. In your 50s, securing these "top" positions can be difficult due to assumptions about expecting higher pay, nearing retirement, or potentially clashing with a company's established culture and practices. Additionally, I’ve noticed many companies now prefer candidates they feel they can "mould" to their specific needs.

You've not gone into any details on career type, industry, age etc. so it's hard to give advice. But a lot of people I know in the above brackets worked as consultants on a self employed basis and had more luck finding work that way.

I think you need to have a frank and clear conversation what you expect from him. You need to lay it out straightforward. You are not married, you've always had separate accounts and you are not prepared to dip into your savings. He needs to get any job he can get and take the lion share of housework when he's still unemployed.

I've always been 100% in helping each other's out when tough financial situations arise. But I'm married and we've always pooled our economic resources, which is a complete different situation from yours.

DP vs DH absolutely crucial when it comes to money. If he’s a husband then yes all income is joint and most of what else comes in while you’re married too. If partner only then no, it’s not joint and he shouldn’t assume any right to your savings. If he’s previously paid extra when he’s been flush it’s not crazy that he would expect you return the favour, if he was previously stingy it’s a different matter. Seems like more of your annoyance is with other forms of contribution tbh. If you feel like he’s a dead weight then no one is saying you have to stay together.

Surely the local supermarkets have taken Om staff in the last year?

I have no time for people who sit waiting for the right job while they do nothing. Even if that means waiting on tables or serving on Sainsbury’s checkout.

So I’d personally tell him to get off his arse and get a job.

Not working, does nothing around the house, get rid

Thank you for all your replies. Uol2022 I think sums it up. The way I feel is in some ways not about his work. I'm massively resentful of the fact that he doesn't do housework. Perhaps I'd be more open to dipping into my savings if he hoovered or cooked a meal every so often. I'm not sure why I have let this situation carry on for so long but I do need to do something about it.

In this case, your OP is massively misleading. To the extent that you might want to get it changed.

Why did you get married?

I find this entire thing bazaar

Oh just saw you aren't married fair enough then

He sounds like a waste of space op

Just leave him.
I left a boyfriend when I was 21 because he didn't cook or try to learn. 50/50 or fuck off.

This sod wants to have his cake and eat it too. He can start contributing by lifting his hands and using a mop to clean the house. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that I would not be getting the money out of your special account. You probably need to die on size now as he sounds like he’s in denial and ready to use you as a cash cow.

In relation to people who have asked about what he has been doing for a year, he has been applying for lots of jobs, he has had quite a lot of interviews but has always missed out. I don't think he ever expected to be in this situation and time has just rolled on.

Your savings are your savings as you are not married. He need to get a part time job over the holidays, maybe in retail and step up on the housework, or I’d suggest ending the relationship. A year is plenty to look for a job.

Fair enough, but he needs to take a job and earn some money and keep looking. A year is a really long time.

I think you need to take just one deep breath OP and kick the bugger out.

Can he not see that the longer he is unemployed the more unattractive to an employer he becomes?

Having a great CV with working at Tesco for example on the end is far better than having a great CV with a year of doing nothing at the end.

Not dismissing Tesco working here BTW, DS started his career there and they were a great employer to someone starting out with little to no experience and gave him bags of experience of working in a fast paced environment and customer service skills.

As an employer I would be impressed he had taken any work and broadened his life experience. Even if his main role was senior level tech or whatever. No shame in being a team playing grafter in any work
lace setting.