Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

And what happens when those savings run out? Or you have an unexpected large bill?

He needs a job right now! Minimum wage, whatever hours he can get and he can be applying for other jobs as well!

The gap on his CV will look terrible. An employer will be impressed he found any work whilst finding the right position.

And in terms of housework/cooking - I'd be saying 'I'll cook tonight, can you do tomorrow?' And the same with housework - while he isn't working he should absolutely be doing it all!

That’s your opinion which you are rightly able to have but it’s not based in the realities of a legal agreement that marriage creates. Assuming the OP is in the UK of course

If you're working full time then he should be pretty much doing all of the housework. If he doesn't want to do that then he should be lowering his job/pay expectations and taking whatever he can get.

Just to add, he has massively reduced all his expenses so stopped going out, buying random things etc etc. And he has had lots of interviews. Quite a lot of jobs he has been unsuccessful because the job has gone to an internal candidate. I feel sorry for him because he definitely doesn't want to be out of work and it's making him unhappy.

Yes we all know marriage is a legal agreement but what specifically are you referring to?

If they were married it would be even more imperative for OP to divorce him because the longer they stay married the more he would be entitled to her assets.

If OP and him were married today and decided to divorce the fall out wouldn’t be extreme as (1) they don’t have children yet (2) they don’t a own house yet they rent (3) neither has significant assets / savings.

Hence the advice is to dump him now instead of getting further enmeshed with him.

Oh for gods sake.

So you work full time and do 100% of all domestic chores whilst be does neither of those things.

Raise your bar!

Stop cooking and cleaning for him for a start.

Really hope you don’t have kids with this role model.

Mmm so can I clarify - has he made any adjustments to his lifestyle and spending habits while he’s been out of work? Has he continued to go out with his mates etc?
I agree with everyone- you are not married therefore the contents of the 90 day account are your savings / security blanket and he needs to get ANY job.
Time for a massive reevaluation of this relationship.

You are resentful because you've let the situation fester for too long. He's not doing all he needs to do to deal with his unemployment. You know he needs to take any job available to financially contribute to the partnership plus he also needs to do most housework while he's unemployed.

I voted YABU as you called him “DH” which is completely different. If you’re married then what’s yours is his and what’s his is yours etc. In your update you said you were not married so this does make a difference.

However, either way your partner should get a job - any job (even if part time) to bring some money into the household whilst he finds his next role.

Cannot get over that he sits at home all day and ‘doesn’t think he should have to’ do any domestic tasks, instead choosing to leave them all for you. When you get home from your full time job.

No.

I agree with everyone who says he needs to get a job, any job.

Do not touch your savings.

Do not marry this sponger, as then he will have legal access to your money in the event of divorce.

He needs to be earning and paying part of his way while he looks for a better job: Amazon warehouse, minicabbing, retail, hospitality, portering (look up NHS admin and support roles) even a couple of afternoons in a charity shop volunteering. It might not be what he was on but minimum wage is more than no wage and keeps idle hands busy. My cleaner gets £17.50 an hour and there's a shortage of them.

I would have no problem financially supporting him (ex-H was regularly out of work due to the 'famine or feast' nature of his job) until he found work, but he would have to do all of the housework in the meantime. And I wouldn't be going into savings to do it either.

But ex-H wouldn't have remained unemployed for that long. He would have taken a temporary job doing anything.

So you need to stop being a mug, OP, and get him to make some effort one way or another. For me that would be ONE talk where I laid out my expectations. And then a dumping if those expecations were not met, or if he slacked off again at any point.

As he's not working I'd be expecting him while he's job hunting to do all household chores and cooking etc.

He's being picky about work because he knows he has you to fall back on...I bet if he was alone he'd have found work by now.

When my engineer dad was made redundant in the 80s, he worked in a warehouse until he found another job. I was a young teenager and didn’t really understand, but looking back am so proud of him for that. I think his eventual employers were probably impressed too - better that than a year off. Can your DP speak to a job coach who might help him reframe his thinking ?

As you're not married, I think you're right. I do think this throws up some interesting questions about how you see the relationship going forward.

Sounds like a pisstaker.

We try to split household tasks roughly 50/50 but when my wife was out of work for a few months the house was always spotless with tea on the table when I arrived home from work. It would be the same if I was at home all day

He should be doing that for you

If he has been seriously looking for 12 months and constantly rejected he may be more than unhappy. If he has previously helped with the household stuff and it’s stalled could his self confidence been knocked so hard he might have become depressed. That will make doing anything so much harder. If so it’s worth him contacting his GP. Men can think they must hide how bad lack of work offers makes them feel when they are genuinely looking for work.

And I agree with other posters, keep your savings as your savings as you are not married. Supporting someone who has hit the doldrums when it’s a relationship based on real friendship and love as a partner does not mean handing over all your money as the solution.

Money assumptions and lack of job aside, I’d be ending a relationship where the man does shit all around the house and thinks that’s all the woman’s duty. And when you’re working all day and he’s doing nothing, and still expects you to come home and serve him, hell no! That would be the end of things.

I had a relative abroad who met her husband at uni. The expectation in that country was that the wife would be a SAHM. (Men did no housework, etc and the women normally took charge of the kitchen garden as well. They were also expected to look after elderly in-laws.)

Their life changed when the country fell apart. They stayed with her relatives for a while and got a house swap, so at least accommodation was sorted.

I sent some money to help out. The husband got a job in his line of work for a while, but then lost it. In the meantime, my relative was taking whatever work she could find - childminding at one point.

Her teenage daughter got a job in a shop.

I sent more money to help out.

When I was able to visit, the daughter took me aside and told me not to send more money. The relative's brother made it clear to me that he was unimpressed - his BIL would only consider work in his own field. He refused blue collar work. (The brother's view was that his BiL should be taking any job he could manage.)

My relative and her daughter continued to work. The daughter went to night school and got her degree and promotion at work. Her son got a place at uni and qualified for a good job. My relative phoned to let me know that she now had her state pension. In the next phone call, I found out that she had been diagnosed with cancer. She didn't last long.

Eff knows what her husband is doing now. I suppose he's living off his state pension.

Your other half has to pull his weight, OP. Life is too short.

At home all day and does no house work!
Eh, no!
I'd tell him that if you want to work you will find work.

If he were your husband then legally you would be considered to share income etc..

As you're living together as a couple, legally you are expected to support him: he isn't entitled to out of work benefits (if you're earning enough to support him), because he's with you, so yes, if you want to remain in a relationship, you do have to support him. Otherwise, he needs to move out in order to survive.

Obviously he should be doing most of the housework though. If he were doing his share, it would be fair enough for him to want you to support him, but it sounds as if he's expecting you to do everything, which is wrong.

Hmm. Don’t like the ‘what’s mine is mine but what’s yours is ours’ attitude going on here.

Certainly in a marriage, I believe assets are joint and should be a partnership. I inherited money from my parents - in my view this came to our family, not just to me. DH is currently the bigger earner in our house - I am freelance - but all the money we make goes into the same pot. (He did once start referring to ‘his income’ in a bit of a ‘and therefore I make the financial decisions’ way which resulted in a fairly big row, given what I brought to the table in other ways! He soon realised how hypocritical he was being 😉)

Also, it’s really not ok for your DH not to take on more of the domestic load now he’s out of work. As I’m freelance and not going into an office, I inevitably end up doing more housework than DH. But if the roles were reversed it would be the same - indeed when things have been very busy from me he’s taken over on that front, no questions asked.

Job market is very tough at the moment though, so I sympathise with your partner on that front.

What is he spending his benefits on? He'll be entitled to UC whilst looking for work and his job coach will be supporting him in his search for employment.

He should be using that money for his share of living costs.

If he's not, then you have yourself a cocklodger. Get rid.

Does he drive? Theres a lot of agency work he could apply for to keep things going in the short term.

I would not not be sharing my savings.