To say something now or leave it to see if I hear from the school - DD misgendered a teacher

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

DD is 11 in year 7. She had a non-binary teacher who she has to refer to as ‘Mx Surname’ (pronounced Mix). When she started she said “It’s obvious she’s a woman as she has boobs and a woman’s voice” but that they were told they must only refer to her as Mx. She thought it was a load of nonsense (as do I) but I told her that it’s best not to ruffle feathers and just go along with it because I don’t want her to be in trouble but I thought I’d have to keep a beady eye out for any problems.

On Friday afternoon she came back from school panicking because she accidentally called this teacher Miss when doing the register. They have to say “Here Mx” when their names are called and she said “Here Miss”. The teacher said “Really DDName, I have been your teacher for 12 weeks now, you know my pronouns!” And moved on. DD said she (DD) went bright red and felt embarrassed.

I have gone back and forth over the weekend, I’m really torn between saying something and leaving it because I don’t want DD to be a target because I’ve pissed a teacher off, or just be labelled a horrible bigot (let’s face it school will not see my POV). It’s a subject she absolutely adores as well so I don’t want her to have any backlash because she struggles with certain subjects and so lives for the few she enjoys including this one.

So Im wondering if I should email the school saying children should not be shamed for “misgendering”, this person is an adult and should be a bit more resilient and not expect children to put aide their subconscious and shirk reality, or should I wait to see if there’s any backlash before doing that? Obviously if there is I’ll defend DD to the hilt but I am thinking about getting ahead of the game as the whole thing really pisses me off.

YABU = say something now
YANBU = wait it out

DD says she felt humiliated - TBH she feels humiliated if I sing along to songs in the car so she has a pretty low bar. And I agree that I don’t think this was a humiliation-level occurrence, and what doesn’t kill her will make her stronger.

BUT..if FEELINGS are what matters here to the teacher, as opposed to hard facts, aren’t my DD’s feelings (as opposed to hard facts) also valid?

If your daughter is still mortified why doesn't she stay behind the next time and speak with the teacher? If it was an accident then she just says that and then everyone gets on with their lives. I'm not entirely sure why you would need to get involved? Whether you daughter believes or thinks it's right about people using different pronouns is neither here or there really. I'm a bit old school to think if you've caused offence then you just apologise to that person.

I'm a male teacher that gets called Miss by mistake every day of the week. Lol.

No one in a position of power should be using the people in their charge as a source of validation, let alone shaming them. When children are involved, its a safeguarding failure.

It was dealt with in the moment. It's far more likely that the teacher has already moved on from it than they'll be coming after your daughter labelling her a bigot.

The teacher has the right to be called what they want to be called. They pushed back mildly on a mistake, end of story. Encourage your daughter to put aside the perceived (slight) injustice rather than stewing on it. Teachers probably have thousands of interactions every day and this was just one.

Your daughters feeling are completely valid. Don't ever invalidate them.

The teacher should just have continued with the register like the rest of us do when we are "mis-gendered".

The misgenseeing nonsense is the tip of the iceberg. It indicates that the teacher has extreme views and should not be a person fit to educate children.

Tell your child just to say 'here'.

They should not be forced to validate this person every time the register is taken.

As to misgendering, it's a non event. It needs to be treated as a non event and no teacher should be using their classroom as an ideological battleground.

I would be contacting the school to state the above.

Wow! What an interesting thread. The tide is certainly turning. If you'd have posted 12 months ago OP you'd have got ripped apart!

I'm so glad that at last, most parents are agreeing how wrong it is to lie to children about sex.

Well I’m not old fashioned, women apologise way too much as it is I’m not teaching my DD to apologise when she’s not sorry about something

This is an 11 year old girl being made to feel awful about not being allowed to refer to the person as they are, rather how the person believes themselves to be. You honestly think a child should apologise for not falling in line with the teacher’s self belief? The teacher is there as an educator of their subject, not as a pastor in their ideology.

This is very good advise - I would actually do this. Just email the school and state politely that you do not appreciate your child being pulled up for 'misgendering' and from now on you have advised your child to state 'here' and call the teacher 'teacher'.

It didn't need dealing with at all.
The teacher has used this slip up to make a point which has made a child feel uncomfortable.
This is not good.

Agree, and doesn’t sound like she was shamed, just corrected.

Say something.

It's bad enough these idiots tell other adults fiction is more important than fact and want everyone to but into their ideology. However, children can see.

Push back. Enough is enough.

Yea tbh i was not really getting the sense this was too much of a big deal in terms of what the teacher said. It was a very mild reprimand at the absolute worst from what you’re saying and maybe was just a reminder? I think it’s hit off your feelings around gender and all the GC issues overall - but I don’t think it was that out of order of the teacher; put it this way, if your DD been pulled up in the same manner in class on anything else would you be giving it this much headspace?

To me, and I am very much GC, this is much ado about nothing as an incident. I get lots of people want to say it indicates the teacher is this or that but to me they were not out of order in this instance - I think contacting the school would be epic overkill myself.

I don't see how it's any different from Miss Smith getting married and turning up as Mrs Jones - after 12 weeks your daughter would get the same snappy response if she called her by her old name.

I wouldn't think Mx Whateverhernameis is offended - or she shouldn't be, unless it was a deliberate jibe. There's nothing to apologise for - it was a simple mistake.

When all the other children are calling the teacher mix? This is going to make her stand out and be ridiculed.

Yes, ‘corrected’.

Good point upthread about just saying here. Perhaps everyone should say that. Idiot teacher isn't 'mis'or correctly gendered 🙄 and children cannot be shamed or told off.

I don’t see this one as a critical gender issue tbh.

The teacher has the right (as any man does) not to share her marital status with the class, and therefore I think it’s perfectly valid for any man/woman/trans person to choose a different title and asked to be called by that.

To me it’s a totally different issue to enforcing your pronouns on someone else, or denying sex as a reality (which I wouldn’t suggest you do).

It sounds like a whole non event and that the teacher gave a reasonable correction and everyone has moved on. If it escalates, then double down that it’s a mistake akin to calling a teacher Mum and leave it at that.

This hits the nail on the head.
These attention seekers are tiresome

But it isn't that at all. She's feeling awful because the teacher snapped at her, not because she wasn't allowed to refer to her as a woman. There's nothing more to it than that.

You state that you are 'old school', however we women always apologise and we always want to be kind and smooth things over, for many of us it is in our nature. Along with respecting those in a position of authority, as teachers are. But we shouldn't on this issue. This is the issue where we have to say 'fuck no, I won't be kind, I won't apologise and I won't tell my child that they are wrong for stating biological reality'. And that's ok.