To say something now or leave it to see if I hear from the school - DD misgendered a teacher

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

DD is 11 in year 7. She had a non-binary teacher who she has to refer to as ‘Mx Surname’ (pronounced Mix). When she started she said “It’s obvious she’s a woman as she has boobs and a woman’s voice” but that they were told they must only refer to her as Mx. She thought it was a load of nonsense (as do I) but I told her that it’s best not to ruffle feathers and just go along with it because I don’t want her to be in trouble but I thought I’d have to keep a beady eye out for any problems.

On Friday afternoon she came back from school panicking because she accidentally called this teacher Miss when doing the register. They have to say “Here Mx” when their names are called and she said “Here Miss”. The teacher said “Really DDName, I have been your teacher for 12 weeks now, you know my pronouns!” And moved on. DD said she (DD) went bright red and felt embarrassed.

I have gone back and forth over the weekend, I’m really torn between saying something and leaving it because I don’t want DD to be a target because I’ve pissed a teacher off, or just be labelled a horrible bigot (let’s face it school will not see my POV). It’s a subject she absolutely adores as well so I don’t want her to have any backlash because she struggles with certain subjects and so lives for the few she enjoys including this one.

So Im wondering if I should email the school saying children should not be shamed for “misgendering”, this person is an adult and should be a bit more resilient and not expect children to put aide their subconscious and shirk reality, or should I wait to see if there’s any backlash before doing that? Obviously if there is I’ll defend DD to the hilt but I am thinking about getting ahead of the game as the whole thing really pisses me off.

YABU = say something now
YANBU = wait it out

I'm very gender critical and I see your point with this analogy but I don't think it exactly tracks as people are allowed to self- define- eg i know someone who legally changed her name as she didn't like her name. It's an effort for her family and friends to remember to call her by the new name (and her parents especially hate doing it as she rejected the name they chose) but ultimately the new name is how she sees herself so we all have to make the effort to remember. I think the pronoun thing is similar even though I wish it would die a death.

Yes there's a teacher at my DDs school who does. He wears dresses and trousers usually but looks very male. TBH the kids think its ridiculous and manage to avoid pronouns when talking to him.

I’d probably wait it out just now but I’d have no hesitation in handing the school their arse on a plate if they persisted with this nonsense

Someone with access to vulnerable young minds should not be permitted to indoctrinate them into this dreadful ideology

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman Just don't get the teacher these for Christmas.

If you send that email, you'll make it worse

It will also make it sound more likely that your daughter did it deliberately rather than a slip of the tongue

I agree completely.

I wouldn’t be pleased if my children were forever to adhere to this nonsense.

Tough shit if it’s not being kind. Expecting people to go along with this bull against their own beliefs is not kind either.

Absolutely. In this case children are expected to pretend their teacher is neither a woman or a man and watch their language at all times to avoid letting slip they can see perfectly well their teacher is a woman, because of their teachers 'feelings'. Quite honestly people with such strong feelings about being referred to in the traditional manner for their sex might feel 'safer' in a role where they were not relying on the compliance of children.

100% agree.

It's weird that we're teaching children to ignore the evidence of their own eyes.

Maybe they should change it so everyone is called 'Teacher'.

I wouldn't say anything now as it's hopefully a one off. But come parents night I would deliberately be greeting this teacher as Miss X. What a ridiculous twat.

I think it depends on the teachers tone of voice. If it was casual (clearly she moved straight on) or faintly amused ('what are you like?!') I'd advise that you both forget about it. It was an absent minded slip that DD's only stressing about because of the trans/queer issue.

If the teacher's tone was definitely angry, then it might be time to mention to her HOY that your DD is really upset, and that it was just one of those calling the teacher mum, moments.

Ironically you just got it wrong yourself.

“told they must only refer to her as Mx”

You need to lead by example so Mx/they/them becomes second nature.

Yes, that deals with the marital status part, so from there maybe add the part about sex? Not everyone who uses Mx identifies as nonbinary afaik, it dates from the 70s.

I don't think the teacher is pretending that she isn't a woman. She probably doesn't want to be known as a 'Mrs' or 'miss', which is fair enough. I'm a 'Ms' myself.

I wouldn't complain or feedback based on the interaction you described. Nothing happened. There was no shaming.

We have a non binary member of staff starting soon, I will be very careful to only use the name, not 'they' when talking about this person. Thankfully I don't have to use Mix every time I greet this person. I respect the person but will find ways to avoid using 'they'.

Absolutely ridiculous to expect children to play along with this nonsense. Mix FFS. Literally making up words to suit their own agenda and telling off children for "getting it wrong". Sod that! I'd be complaining to school about it. Year 7 is difficult enough for kids to navigate as it is without being expected to play along with deluded adults.

I had a patient the other day who had had their sex changed on the hospital systems. Yet walked in looking exactly like their biological sex, clearly wasn't feeling like making the effort that day. Yet no doubt if I or other staff had accidentally "misgendered" for simply referring to who we see presenting before us, no doubt the complaints would come rolling in.

People are allowed to self define, but people are also allowed to not recognise that. It’s the entire bases of being gender critical in law. It’s is not the equivalent of changing one’s first name which has little impact beyond ‘I was Jane, now I’m Jennifer’ - to recognise pronouns that are not of your sex is the equivalent of partaking in a belief system. Self reflection is not a mirror to the world, especially one that still sees you for who you are and not the imagined narrative one has armoured themselves into.

In DD’s primary children weren’t allowed to use Miss or Sir, it was always “Mr Surname” - which i think is much better. I hate that male teachers are bestowed with knighthood level title whilst female teachers get “unmarried woman” no matter who they are, even if their title is Dr!

The school and this teacher are being massively unreasonable to firstly expect children to engage in this lunacy, and then secondly, for the teacher to pull a child up on it in front of everyone.
Op is entitled to raise her children however she likes including telling them that she thinks its nonsense.

Whatever you think about gender, the teacher has a right to choose their name and really it’s just basic respect to get someone’s name right. Your daughter got it wrong, the teacher corrected her, end of. Don’t make it bigger than it needs to be.

It was clearly a slip of the tongue, I've called teachers mum or automatically said 'sir' when it should have been 'miss/ms'. Judge Judy even gets called 'sir' sometimes

I mean, technically the teacher could have misheard - Mix and Miss are so similar, all it takes is swallowing at an inopportune moment as you say it and it could sound like either or both. You would hope that the school would brush it off, it would only be misgendering if DD repeatedly called her Miss.