To say something now or leave it to see if I hear from the school - DD misgendered a teacher

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

DD is 11 in year 7. She had a non-binary teacher who she has to refer to as ‘Mx Surname’ (pronounced Mix). When she started she said “It’s obvious she’s a woman as she has boobs and a woman’s voice” but that they were told they must only refer to her as Mx. She thought it was a load of nonsense (as do I) but I told her that it’s best not to ruffle feathers and just go along with it because I don’t want her to be in trouble but I thought I’d have to keep a beady eye out for any problems.

On Friday afternoon she came back from school panicking because she accidentally called this teacher Miss when doing the register. They have to say “Here Mx” when their names are called and she said “Here Miss”. The teacher said “Really DDName, I have been your teacher for 12 weeks now, you know my pronouns!” And moved on. DD said she (DD) went bright red and felt embarrassed.

I have gone back and forth over the weekend, I’m really torn between saying something and leaving it because I don’t want DD to be a target because I’ve pissed a teacher off, or just be labelled a horrible bigot (let’s face it school will not see my POV). It’s a subject she absolutely adores as well so I don’t want her to have any backlash because she struggles with certain subjects and so lives for the few she enjoys including this one.

So Im wondering if I should email the school saying children should not be shamed for “misgendering”, this person is an adult and should be a bit more resilient and not expect children to put aide their subconscious and shirk reality, or should I wait to see if there’s any backlash before doing that? Obviously if there is I’ll defend DD to the hilt but I am thinking about getting ahead of the game as the whole thing really pisses me off.

YABU = say something now
YANBU = wait it out

Shouldn't it be mixgendering?

I'm gender critical, but I do see the appeal of Mx. I know several doctors and PhDs, and they all get to be Dr So-and-So or Professor So-and-So and I definitely see the appeal of the ungendered honorific. I think M. would be better than Mx. though. M. Quoque etc. Not sure how I'd pronounce it though!

On the other hand, I definitely see Mx as more female than male. I see plenty of he/they pronounds from male born/presenting people and they sure as hell don't use Mx. So I don't believe it's truly gender neutral so much as performative, but maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, either way, women who asked to be called Ms were similarly ridiculed and now nobody bats an eyelid.

The teacher shouldn't have called your daughter up on it though, but passed over it, just as a teacher who is sweetly called "Mum" by mistake wouldn't say in front of the whole class "Caleb I've been here for 12 weeks and you should know by now I'm not your Mum", but you're doing your daughter a disservice by encouraging her to disrespect a teacher.

I'd say something. The more people that understand that the vast majority think it's all utter nonsense, the more they are empowered to say something too.

I'd eyeroll at this privately but tell dd to get on with it. Perhaps try to imagine it's her first name and she's called 'Micks'

School would be on a sticky wicket presumably though if dd said she believed that sex was immutable and that her use of pronouns is based on sex not gender.

If someone is teaching my kid then their grasp on reality and / or identity issues requiring other people to use made-up words to refer to them very much becomes my business.

You can't require everyone to change their language and at the same time claim it's none of their business. Do what you want at home but don't bring it to the classroom.

Also why is the kid being respectful of the teacher's choices more important than the teacher being respectful of the kids beliefs (ie that sex is immutable)?

@quoque I would love to be Mx (I'm a GC woman) and when I first heard it I considered starting to use it, until I realised that it might create more problems than it solves...

Agree with this. It sounds like your dd is stressed at the moment so it felt awful, like she was being shamed- I think she might feel even worse if you take it further and make it into a bigger thing. As you say, the school won't support you against the teacher, so it would be unproductive to raise it. I would encourage your dd to see it as a minor correction, not a shaming (as pp have said) and encourage her to do her best to remember the mx thing in future but also validate that it's a very easy mistake to make and she's not bad for making it (as you have already been saying to her).

The teacher is being too precious about it and yes, it is ridiculous, but I don’t think it would be helpful to your DD for you to raise it first. But I don’t see why you shouldn’t let your DC know your feelings on the subject, just as you would with any other subject, though I wouldn't encourage her to "misgender" anyone deliberately.

I'm a teacher and have been mistakenly called Mum, Grandma and - only once - Grandad! (I just thought it was funny.)

Anyway, is Mx gender-neutral? I’ve only ever heard of females wanting to use it. It’s all privileged first-world bollocks anyway (though no, that is not gender-neutral).

I remember calling my teacher mum and everyone just laughed. I can't believe young children are being put under so much pressure when they are dealing with their own hormonal changes. In my view the teacher is an adult who is responsible for safeguarding children and should act accordingly.

It’s not disrespectful. What the teacher is doing is the equivalent of expecting the students to recite a prayer of their religion every time they enter the classroom. The teacher is female, and whilst they choose to live by a different belief system, they cannot expect others to follow suit. If a student doesn’t fall in line to use the pronoun of a belief system, it’s has no implications on the child they’re teaching.

I once called my teacher Auntie Debbie. A male teacher. I was in a confused exam fug and living with my Auntie Debbie TBF but I can still feel the burning humiliation 🤣

It'd be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

That's a good analogy with religion ,we can respect people have different beliefs to our own but nobody should be forcing them others.

I agree with this. If the teacher has the right to introduce the idea of GI and pronouns to children, parents have the right to share their views on the matter. To try to silence parents who believe it's 'ridiculous' is just a means to ensure children recieve a one sided indoctrination into what remains a highly controversial subject.

What a genuinely awful human being that teacher is.

100%. Pupils get Miss and Mrs mixed up all the time and it doesn't bother the teachers.

To be honest Mx and Miss sound so similar anyway it both shouldn't be difficult to get right, and equally should not be commented on if wrong. I think it would be harder for the child if she was told the teacher, who looks visibly female, wanted to be known as 'sir'.
Don't say anything to the school. If it was a genuine mistake then there's no need. I always think it's quite weird to call teachers Miss and Sir. Etc. It's not like you'd address adults in the workplace in that manner?

Pragmatically it's probably better left.

The teacher was bang out of order to correct your child for a mistake in quite that way, putting their feelings ahead of hers. Surely any teacher knows female teachers routinely get called all sorts accidentally with Mrs, Ms or Dr often being called 'Miss'?

I think people defending the teacher might consider what they'd think if a teacher with a PhD had retorted in the same words if the child had forgotten to call them Dr. (Well, obviously with ‘title’ rather than, incorrectly ‘pronouns’)

However, while 'Non binary' is quite nonsensical, preferring a gender neutral title is actually quite rational. There's a few times over the years when I've used Dr for this reason. Maybe you could have a discussion with your dd about the pros and cons of titles which show someone's sex and marital status?

The only sane answer^^

I would not buy into that teachers delusion and the parents should be making a bigger fuss about this. Why should children be forced to lie and display cognitive dissonance in front of this person just to keep her in lala land? It's natural to call someone she/her/miss when you can quite clearly see it's a woman. I'm not even sure I believe this is real it's so bonkers.

Fucking ridiculous.

Glad to see more sane folk have come along as I continued reading!

Id complain about the teacher s reaction tbh... Trying to shame and draw attention to a child especially in an area that's so fraught with offense being actively searched for, is not what I'd call professional behaviour.

Maybe you could have a discussion with your dd about the pros and cons of titles which show someone's sex and marital status?

Im a Ms, always have been and I’ve explained why to her

Out of curiosity would biologically male" non binary person" also have "mx "as a their pronoun ?

Why on Earth should OP not have the freedom to tell her own child, in her own home, her opinion on the subject? If her child is being castigated for not following the teacher's unsubstantiated beliefs - even accidentally - then it absolutely is her business. Why should respect for other people's beliefs only go one way?

I'd leave it, OP. If the school contact you say it was a slip of the tongue and leave it at that.

FWIW where i can select Mx on an online form i do. I think it's a great idea that we can keep as much or as little of ourselves private.

But it isn't wrong to teach your daughter, especially if she doesn't conform to outdated sexist stereotypes of what a girl is, that sex is a material reality. But also that some people like to be addressed differently and it's ok to do that.

don't make a big deal out of it.