Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's giving me the silent treatment over a joke, who's unreasonable here?

220 replies

Catsforeva · 01/12/2024 16:54

So the thread is about a guy I've been seeing.

I went to an event last night which lasted until the early hours. He and I were texting a bit and he suggested I come over to his afterwards, if you get my drift.

I thought he was pulling my leg as he has his DC on weekends and doesn't stay up late himself.

Anyway.

I made a silly joke this morning about how I did buzz his apartment on the way past but he must have been snoring so loudly he didn't hear it. A playful jibe at his god awful snoring is what it was intended to be.

It's not funny, I know. I was just being daft.

At this point he sends me a picture of his intercom (which was on silent mode) and says "omg, so sorry. The kids must have pressed the buttons" quickly followed by another message which said "I'm so annoyed" IE annoyed that his kids had been fiddling with the intercom and as a result he'd missed out on seeing me.

I immediately responded saying that I was joking and not to tell them off because I hadn't actually come home that way and didn't press his buzzer.

He replies to say he has already told them off.

I feel terrible at this point and apologise, sincerely.

He ignores the message and has been giving me the silent treatment since 8am this morning which is completely uncharacteristic of him as he's a big texter.

He's now sharing quotes which say 'I'm into being a father. That's what I'm focusing on' which is clearly some sort of indirect towards me.

I feel a bit blindsided and confused as to why this has been blown so out of proportion. We are always bantering back and forth. He has been a wind up merchant himself on occasion and I've never reacted like this.

I would really appreciate your perspective. Do you think this is proportionate?

Am I a total dick, is he being one or do we both sound ridiculous?

Thank you. Regular poster/commenter under a name change.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GridlockonMain · 02/12/2024 08:26

Rosscameasdoody · 02/12/2024 08:16

No, he sent OP a photo of the intercom and it was on ‘silent’. Someone had fiddled with it ,which is why he told his kids off.

Show quote history

Then why did he reply to OP to say he had already told them off like it was her fault? If the intercom was off anyway wouldn’t he have said something like ‘oh well, turns out intercom had been switched off so I wouldn’t have heard it even if you did ring’.

And even if the kids did switch off the intercom, why would he tell them off instead of just asking them why and then requesting that they not do it again? It goes back to my original point that parents who tell their kids off over tiny provocations aren’t doing a good job. OP has a kid, this guy’s parenting skills are directly relevant to her assessment of him as a partner.

The whole thing feels fake and manipulative. I agree with PPs who suspect he’s making things up so that OP feels guilty.

Ohnobackagain · 02/12/2024 08:30

Also @Catsforeva maybe he usually turns it off at night because he doesn’t want to be disturbed. Of course, that night, he DID want to be disturbed (by you). But maybe his kids don’t know that and actually turned it off because he does usually! He might have turned it off and forgotten. Either way he’s a muppet. And why send a photo? What does a photo prove? Only that it was set to Silent when the photo was taken. As for the meme - ugh, no. Yuck. Can’t wait to hear if he gets in touch.

bluebeck · 02/12/2024 08:32

Yeah I think you’ve got his number here OP, well done.

It will be interesting to see what bollocks he comes back with and how long he leaves it before he decides you have been suitably punished.

CheekyHobson · 02/12/2024 08:42

I suspect he turned the intercom to silent himself as “proof” that he hadn’t just ignored the OP’s visit. Sending a photo of it is a weirdly unnecessary thing to do.

Then when it turned out she was only kidding anyway, he got the hump and pretended he’d bollocked the kids so she would feel bad.

Too much drama.

PuddlesPityParty · 02/12/2024 08:44

I love how MN have turned the man into an abusive dickhead based off a crumb of info 😂 the way your minds work, amazing.

OP it was a shite joke, you’re obviously not made for each other. No need to make him out to be a dickhead.

needsomewarmsunshine · 02/12/2024 08:55

The bloke is a complete wanker on so many levels. Move on and find someone else better, much better.

needsomewarmsunshine · 02/12/2024 08:58

PuddlesPityParty · 02/12/2024 08:44

I love how MN have turned the man into an abusive dickhead based off a crumb of info 😂 the way your minds work, amazing.

OP it was a shite joke, you’re obviously not made for each other. No need to make him out to be a dickhead.

I think peeps are referring to the silent treatment and twatty screen quotes that OP mentioned in first post, Totally knob behaviour from anyone at the best of times.

Daleksatemyshed · 02/12/2024 09:17

In your place Op, the thing that would annoy me most would be the post about being all about being a Father_ there's something petty about it, he's saying never mind you I've got my kids, it's a bit sulky.

Original poster
Catsforeva · 02/12/2024 09:17

Still nothing from him but he is posting to his stories. It's definitely deliberate, he wants me to know he's active and blatantly ignoring me 🙄

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 02/12/2024 09:22

If that's the level of emotional maturity in this relationship then you're well out of it Op

Lurkingandlearning · 02/12/2024 09:22

The buzzer was on silent mode- he sent you a picture. So he needed to tell his children off for doing that whether you went there and pressed it or not.

But I really don’t see how what you said was a joke. It seemed to be a dig about his snoring with a bit of if you snooze you lose thrown in and a hint that he is stuck with his kids while you’re having a whale of a time. Maybe I’m reading it wrong and he did too.

Omgblueskys · 02/12/2024 09:25

What a divvy he is, well just ignore and crack on with your day, he will be fulming your not biting

Original poster
Catsforeva · 02/12/2024 09:25

I agree I'm well out of it if this is how he handles any minor conflict.

RE the joke - I can see that it was a stupid thing to say. We always had a banter/ribbing dynamic and I felt it was innkeeping with that. For example, I have ADHD and he pokes fun at how forgetful I am, I poke fun at the fact he snores and so forth. I wasn't trying to be unkind, just a bit daft.

OP posts:
cherrysodas · 02/12/2024 09:29

This won’t be the last time he gives you the silent treatment over something, you can be sure of that.
think very carefully. Do you really want a future like that? Walking on eggshells trying not to “set him off”.?

Mmhmmn · 02/12/2024 09:29

He’s mental. He has serious issues and sounds like one to avoid. I’d just leave him to it OP. People that go in a huff over nothing are mentally and emotionally exhausting, you never know where you are with them - he’s showing you who he is. God, his poor kids.

Omgblueskys · 02/12/2024 09:29

Catsforeva · 02/12/2024 09:25

I agree I'm well out of it if this is how he handles any minor conflict.

RE the joke - I can see that it was a stupid thing to say. We always had a banter/ribbing dynamic and I felt it was innkeeping with that. For example, I have ADHD and he pokes fun at how forgetful I am, I poke fun at the fact he snores and so forth. I wasn't trying to be unkind, just a bit daft.

Eyes wide open girlie, head up move on, you don't need a man child

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 02/12/2024 09:29

Catsforeva · 02/12/2024 09:25

I agree I'm well out of it if this is how he handles any minor conflict.

RE the joke - I can see that it was a stupid thing to say. We always had a banter/ribbing dynamic and I felt it was innkeeping with that. For example, I have ADHD and he pokes fun at how forgetful I am, I poke fun at the fact he snores and so forth. I wasn't trying to be unkind, just a bit daft.

But the difference with those is that you're not actually lying to each other. Me and DP take the mick all the time, but I'd get very annoyed if she started trying to convince me something happened when it didn't.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/12/2024 09:30

GridlockonMain · 02/12/2024 08:26

Then why did he reply to OP to say he had already told them off like it was her fault? If the intercom was off anyway wouldn’t he have said something like ‘oh well, turns out intercom had been switched off so I wouldn’t have heard it even if you did ring’.

And even if the kids did switch off the intercom, why would he tell them off instead of just asking them why and then requesting that they not do it again? It goes back to my original point that parents who tell their kids off over tiny provocations aren’t doing a good job. OP has a kid, this guy’s parenting skills are directly relevant to her assessment of him as a partner.

The whole thing feels fake and manipulative. I agree with PPs who suspect he’s making things up so that OP feels guilty.

Show quote history

You’re massively overthinking this. You posted But they hadn’t done that? He just assumed they had because he believed OP when she said she had rung the buzzer when in fact she hadn’t. I simply replied that he had sent OP a photo of the intercom switched off. And this was the next morning, so it had been off all night - he clearly hadn’t switched it off because he was waiting for OP’s call, so reasonable to assume it was the kids and he’d already told them off before he sent the photo to which OP replied that she had been joking and hadn’t called at all.

We don’t know the circumstances, what kind of parent he is, or how he ‘told the kids off’ - they may have done it before, in which case it’s not an unreasonable assumption. Sounds to me like he was telling the truth and was mad because he thought he’d missed a booty call, and even madder when OP confessed to the joke.

His reaction since then and the ‘silent’ treatment over such a trivial thing indicates that this would be a frequent reaction to any conflict in the relationship, and that would be the reason l’d throw him back, not his potential parenting skills. Telling your kids off when they’ve done something wrong doesn’t make you a bad parent.

DeepRoseFish · 02/12/2024 09:40

He’s had a huge go at them and is feeling really guilty and blames you.

and he’s insulted you didn’t pop by for a quickie

the quote is pathetic

BLOCK

Omgblueskys · 02/12/2024 09:40

Using SM to get a reaction from op, 🤢
So bloody childish,

Rosscameasdoody · 02/12/2024 09:41

PuddlesPityParty · 02/12/2024 08:44

I love how MN have turned the man into an abusive dickhead based off a crumb of info 😂 the way your minds work, amazing.

OP it was a shite joke, you’re obviously not made for each other. No need to make him out to be a dickhead.

His reaction since directly speaks to the fact that he is an abusive dickhead. He’s having a massive strop because he didn’t get his booty call and is pointedly ignoring OP. It’s an indication of who he is and what OP can expect as a reaction to any future conflict in their relationship. Nobody wants a man child.

pimplebum · 02/12/2024 09:46

IF they touched the intercom they got told off
fair enough no harm done

you miscommunication last night happens I relationships and a grown up talks about it

I can’t bear adults who post things on social media as “ subtle “ dig just talk !!

Electricalb · 02/12/2024 09:55

Catsforeva · 02/12/2024 09:17

Still nothing from him but he is posting to his stories. It's definitely deliberate, he wants me to know he's active and blatantly ignoring me 🙄

OP, be pleased with yourself that you see his bullshit clearly.
He's a cringey twat.

So many women ignore this type of behaviour and are surprised they are all confused about how they have ended up with a unhinged tosser 2 years down the line.

Watching carefully how people react to conflict, being told No, treat you when you are unwell, all are enormous markers in the character of a person.

Watch carefully and you will eliminate a lot of selfish twats.

It will be interesting to watch how he reacts to not being contacted by you🤣

Mix56 · 02/12/2024 10:02

But basically the door bell WAS off, so the kids have/may have been messing with it.
So really on this occasion the issue is the same.
(Not funny joke btw)

Mmhmmn · 02/12/2024 10:03

Do you enjoy the banter/ribbing dynamic or do you go along with it out of a ‘can’t beat them join them’ sort of thing? He sounds so tiresome. Negging about you being forgetful? Easy to get away with, with ADHD partners as we often forget more slights than we should. I might be wrong, I just think I recognise his type. The type whose entire personality is giving people a hard time’ as a joke’ … just tiresome.