He's giving me the silent treatment over a joke, who's unreasonable here?

[Catsforeva]

So the thread is about a guy I've been seeing.

I went to an event last night which lasted until the early hours. He and I were texting a bit and he suggested I come over to his afterwards, if you get my drift.

I thought he was pulling my leg as he has his DC on weekends and doesn't stay up late himself.

Anyway.

I made a silly joke this morning about how I did buzz his apartment on the way past but he must have been snoring so loudly he didn't hear it. A playful jibe at his god awful snoring is what it was intended to be.

It's not funny, I know. I was just being daft.

At this point he sends me a picture of his intercom (which was on silent mode) and says "omg, so sorry. The kids must have pressed the buttons" quickly followed by another message which said "I'm so annoyed" IE annoyed that his kids had been fiddling with the intercom and as a result he'd missed out on seeing me.

I immediately responded saying that I was joking and not to tell them off because I hadn't actually come home that way and didn't press his buzzer.

He replies to say he has already told them off.

I feel terrible at this point and apologise, sincerely.

He ignores the message and has been giving me the silent treatment since 8am this morning which is completely uncharacteristic of him as he's a big texter.

He's now sharing quotes which say 'I'm into being a father. That's what I'm focusing on' which is clearly some sort of indirect towards me.

I feel a bit blindsided and confused as to why this has been blown so out of proportion. We are always bantering back and forth. He has been a wind up merchant himself on occasion and I've never reacted like this.

I would really appreciate your perspective. Do you think this is proportionate?

Am I a total dick, is he being one or do we both sound ridiculous?

Thank you. Regular poster/commenter under a name change.

I think you're all right. I need to throw this one back in the pond.

I'm not going to block him just yet, due to pure curiosity and wanting to know what he'll do/say when he doesn't get the rise from me that he's looking for.

I hope he ends up feeling even more stupid than he already does.

I forgot to say, I've only been seeing him a couple of months. We knew of one another beforehand but not very well.

This is probably going to get me a roasting but I would stop the messaging and have a chat with him.

Your joke/prank wasn’t funny. It was an at his expense jibe about snoring which isn’t something most people can control.

I don’t think you can really classify him sharing quotes on a public platform with a larger group as underhand things directed at you.

I don’t think it’s quite the silent treatment as you’ve apologised and then gone silent too. Silent treatment is when you are repeatedly ignored for a long period of time despite repeated attempts to communicate.

I personally would reach out. Maybe he’s not sure how to handle the apology for your really mean joke and is just taking time a space. He has DC and sorry but DC always come first to a parent over any new girlfriend or boyfriend. He likely has had a busy day just doing childcare and such.

OP, a grown adult man sharing indirect quotes on social media??? Surely you have the ick. I liked your joke. Onto the next! x

Red flag - takes himself far too seriously. I don’t see anything wrong with your joke - he’s just embarrassed that he didn’t get the joke and thought you were serious - and instead of laughing it off he’s behaving like a child ignoring you - what a plonker and what a turn off!

total over reaction by him just because he didn't get to have sex last night.

shame it shows his true colours, and what he really thinks of you

He needs to get a grip oh my god

No great loss then

Onwards and upwards!

No great loss at all really no. I'm annoyed but that's about it.

Still, I'd rather see this side of him now than 12 months down the line when I'd be more invested.

Exactly what I was thinking.

i also see nothing wrong with your joke. Sounds completely in keeping with the tone of the convo. And while pps are saying it’s not that funny- we all
make jokes or remarks which are varying degrees of funny. Even professional comedians make jokes that people don’t find funny every now and again.

he’s a twat and he’s saved you a lot of wasted time by showing his true colours now.

I do feel it wasn't a particularly funny joke but more something that would confuse me a bit I think rather than offend me.

His reaction sets off alarm bells and I'm not sure exactly how to articulate why. People who get really angry and worked up about not having sex like that make me uncomfortable. Maybe makes me think that they're the kind of man to sulk if you say no because you're on your period or not in the mood or your toddler is sick and needs you etc etc.

It's fine to enjoy sex of course but the anger (even when initially not directed at you at all) is something I associate with the kind of person who thinks their partner owes it to them and sex is a massive deal.

The quote thing makes me cringe, partly because it reminds me of when I was 19 and slept with someone I really liked who immediately ditched and I shared cringy songs on my Facebook with "deep" lyrics that reflected my feelings about the situation .

I'd be worried that an adult man who does that is going to share quotes about every single thing in the relationship eg if you have an argument he will be posting "Had enuff me only 1 u can trust is urself" etc.

I agree he would probably be better suited to a partner who doesn’t make jokes like a 12yr old does and expects instant messages all day long. He’s a single father and you’re not going to be the centre of his attention 24/7.

Huge overreaction on his behalf. Clearly didn't ask his kids and just fired into them or they would have said they didn't touch the intercom. Or he's lying to make u feel bad.
Ur joke was exactly that: a joke. He's a grown adult. Needs to get over himself. But I wouldn't hang about to see if he does, I'd be offski. Huge red flag.

People who get really angry and worked up about not having sex like that make me uncomfortable.

I agree but I see no evidence of him reacting this way.

I think I'd be curious to see how long he keeps up his strop for and then tell him that the silent treatment is a sign of a shit communicator and you don't see this carrying on. Wish him well and chuck him back. You get too long in the tooth to put up with that crap. Especially early on.

He thought he missed out on a ride.
Then took it out on the kids
Throw him back.

That's what I'm planning to do atm. I'm going to leave him to his huff and not give him the reaction he wants.

I'm sure he will get back to me eventually, probably in the hope I feel oh so grateful that he has, at which point he will be getting told to give his head a very strong wobble.

Him following up with an extra message just to state "I'm so annoyed" is what's given me this idea. I could be wrong of course but that's the danger with inferring things from a third hand account of the situation. If it's not the vibe OP got from him then of course she is welcome to ignore.

I actually feel for him. He gave you a subtle invitation to spend time with him. You gave him the impression that you had responded positively but hadn't got a response. He realises his intercom was on silent, apologises and you say, effectively, 'Ha, not really!. He has reprimanded his children for putting the intercom on silent.

I'd be embarrassed and feel like I'd been badly treated in that situation and I'm not sure how you can see red flags on his side.

Is that you John?

I'm also a single parent, thanks. I have 3 DC.

As for instant messages all day long.. he is the one who initiates those.

I hear from him every day without fail. Always him texting first.

If I haven't responded in a while he starts posting endless stories/updates to get my attention or commenting on mine.

You have read this completely wrong.

I might be a bit shit at comedy but I'm not the red flag here.

If she reaches out and he 'forgives' her, that'll just mean she's back dating a guy who doesn't share her SOH, takes it out on his DC when he thinks he missed out on sex, and uses SM with all the aplomb of a non too bright teenage boy. OP has seen in good time that this guy isn't satisfactory so what's the point in reactivating him?

This, but of course it’s mumsnet so it has to be him at fault…

I will take it on board.

I didn't give him any impression I would be going to his place last night so was surprised he thought I was being serious this morning.

Still, I can see it was a shit thing to do.

We have a joking/ribbing dynamic in general so what I said didn't feel unusual from the usual comms we have

About red flags, there have been a few things here and there that have made me wonder whether he would be a good person to be in a serious relationship with long term, so it's not just about this today.

I think his reaction to this today has just reaffirmed a gut feeling I already had, if that makes sense.

Get rid of him. A humourless man can be a dangerous man.

@Catsforeva exactly what @Pippa12 said. Totally jumping to the wrong conclusion - and not big enough to admit it. And too dim to follow and then not able to laugh at himself. Tw*t. Lucky escape for you I reckon!