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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

349 replies

BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 17:37

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

OP posts:
User37482 · 30/11/2024 17:43

Whats she actually done? And why exactly would you want your son to leave home? You sound angry at him for some reason.

OtterlyMad · 30/11/2024 17:43

I’m quite taken aback that you talk about another person/ family in such a judgemental way while it sounds like you live in a hovel. And your poor son, paying £50 a week for the pleasure! Do you ever wonder what the girlfriend and her family say about you…?

vodkaredbullgirl · 30/11/2024 17:45

Not this again 🙄

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 30/11/2024 17:49

What has she actually done?

And you want to chuck your son out, just because of his choice of partner?

This can't be real, surely.

grumpypedestrian · 30/11/2024 17:52

In what way is she a ‘total diva’, what has she act done to warrant that?

Are you sure your mental health isn’t affecting your judgement?

Supersimkin7 · 30/11/2024 17:54

It’s ok to worry about welfare dependency, it’s not much of a life and you’d be a sadist to want it for your DC.

Catza · 30/11/2024 17:55

The only advice I can give is to stop meddling in your son's affairs. Focus on your own life which is currently in no way affected by the girlfriend's mother's employment status.

Anotherworrier · 30/11/2024 17:56

So your blaming this girl (who’s not welcome in your house) for your sons shitty behaviour?
Come on, get real.

Scutterbug · 30/11/2024 17:56

I don’t understand what she has done? Can you give examples?

Littletreefrog · 30/11/2024 17:57

Why don't you like her. Maybe get your son to help you tidy up and invite her round and get to actually know her.

MissMoneyFairy · 30/11/2024 17:59

Stop being so judgemental
You don't have to like her
Ask your son to start helping with the housework

Lostworlds · 30/11/2024 18:00

I think the issue here is your son, unless you can specify something this girl has done?

I understand why you don’t want her coming over but her family seem to welcome your son into their home quite a lot so I wouldn’t be so judgemental of them.

It’s common for 18 year olds to change their behaviour depending on who they are around. Hopefully he remembers to do his own thing but I wouldn’t be pushing him to go live with her. Instead I’d focus on why this has been such a big issue for you and try welcome her over, or I worry you’ll lose him.

TheShellBeach · 30/11/2024 18:00

FFS you could always tidy your house up, if you're so embarrassed by it.

And your poor son. Pays you £50 a week (what for?) and you want to kick him out because you don't like his girlfriend?

WTF.

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2024 18:00

To be honest, you sound like the problem.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/11/2024 18:00

How much time have you spent with her given shes not allowed in your house?
And why the 'she still lives at home' comment?
So does your son!

BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 18:01

JESUS! Glad I bothered. a) We DO live in a hovel, which I am terribly ashamed about, and try to do something about every day. But I have been very depressed since my sons' partner died four years ago, and I have chronic pain with health issues. Glad someone felt fit to unleash their bitchy little Anthea Turner comment though. b) I totally DON'T want to chuck my son out - I love him dearly, obviously, and we get on well. c) 'She' is simply rude; I've taken her and my son out for meals and she always dominates with what she will and won't eat. d) no, my mental health isn't great at the moment.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/11/2024 18:02

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2024 18:00

To be honest, you sound like the problem.

This, with bells on.
A chaotic, judgemental parent who is unwilling to accept their child's girlfriend, for no reason at all.

Jostuki · 30/11/2024 18:03

Your house is a pig sty and you won't let him being his girlfriend back so in your embarrassment and shame you are taking it out on his girlfriend.

If you can't keep on top of your home because you're I'll then employ a cleaner and have a massive de clutter to avoid mess building up!

I feel sorry for your sons and the girlfriend.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 30/11/2024 18:03

Kindly, sort your mental health out before you start judging everyone else!
What do you mean 'dominating' in what she will or won't eat? People are allowed to choose what they eat! Is she imposing this on anyone else? Or you just don't like that she is "fussy"??

Skybluepinky · 30/11/2024 18:04

U sound a right delight, no wonder he chooses to go round hers, hope it works out for him.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/11/2024 18:04

But I have been very depressed since my sons' partner died four years ago
Very tragic, but were you very close? How is your son?

Jawandmoan · 30/11/2024 18:04

Blimey, the vipers are out in force this evening

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2024 18:04

If you’re going out for a meal and not cooking, why is what she eats an issue? If that’s the worst issue you can come up with as an example you are being more than unreasonable.

How’s your son doing? The one whose partner died? It seems as though your sons have moved on from this sad event while you are using it as an excuse for your own lack of forward movement in life.

TheShellBeach · 30/11/2024 18:04

But I have been very depressed since my sons' partner died four years ago

Your son had a partner four years ago?
When he was 14?

BePinkOrca · 30/11/2024 18:05

I think you are being very judgemental about her upbringing. I know lots of successful people brought up on benefits who have gone on to be successful within their own careers. She is 17 give the girl a chance. If you are worried about unplanned pregnancy you should speak with your son so he is aware he is equally responsible and can take precautions so if it ever did happen is not because “pattern”. I would personally change your mindset and give the girl a chance as imo lots of 17 year olds give the impression of being a diva.. you say you dislike her but she’s never been round yours so how are you making judgements about her when you don’t seem to have made an effort to get to know her.