How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

I mean you haven't exactly been nice about the gf mother, don't dish it out if you can't take it.

Haven't seen anyone suggest that at all. They have suggested getting your sons to help you with the housework, claiming PIP to help you afford a cleaner etc. no one has blamed you for your messy house at all. People are calling you out for your attitude to your sons girlfriend which seems to have no real basis.

Eh?

How to deal with her?

You can't make her go away. They're 18, it'll probably fizzle out. You haven't said what exactly it is that makes you dislike her. Could you be projecting?

You are channeling your frustration with your own situation and unfairly placing it on to a 17 year told girl who has done nothing to deserve your ire. She is an easy target. I would chat frankly with ds about contraception (not because her mum had her young, just because it’s a responsible thing to do) and continue to be polite and nice to his girlfriend.

I hope you get on a more even keel soon OP.

But you did say 'I really don't like her' about an 18 year old girl whose biggest fault seems to be that she is a fussy eater with a mum who gave birth to her aged 17. That sounds pretty mean.

To be fair - if she's never even been to your house how well can you possibly know her?
You're judging her because her mum had her at 17 and is on benefits. You don't come across well at all in any of your posts, so I highly doubt this young woman has done anything wrong other than date your son who you seem to think no one is good enough for.

My main advice would be, please don't post on a forum like Mumsnet, personal problems that will give so many faceless strangers the chance to feel superior.

If I was to address the problem you posted, my advice would be...you don't have to like her, but he obviously does, so best let them just get on with it.

OP, please think about how you come across.
The responses you’ve had on here are hardly surprising given your tone and language choices.

You really can’t see how that’s very judgmental? To say that you worry that this girl will take the piss out of the state and never work just because her mum is on benefits?

It sounds as though the last 4 years you and your son have supported each other through the sad loss of your partner. Is it possible its difficult for you to see him move on, out having fun etc when you have got used to it being just you and your kids?
Kindly it doesn't sound like he and his gf are doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary and finding odd reasons to dislike her will drive him away. Also if you have depression and health conditions causing physical pain claim pip and use the money for a cleaner then you might feel happier with your son and be able to have people over.

And you didn’t answer why you haven’t claimed PIP

I'm assuming the older son?

Perhaps indicative of over-investment in her sons relationships, though?

You seem focused on deflecting criticism of yourself and avoiding taking on board the simple fact that your comments about an 18-year-old girl are in fact quite mean and bullying, which is why everyone has reacted so strongly to your post.

Your insults towards people who find your comments about her distasteful have been far more vicious than anything said about you, which if you are serious about wanting advice, you should reflect on.

You seem to resent the fact that your son spends his time with her, and you seem to blame that on her. That's totally unfair, as is you blaming her for things that are totally beyond her control (your son's behaviour, and her mother's employment status).

Your son lost his father 4 years ago and lives with a mother who is severely depressed, in a house that sounds depressingly untidy. Can you really not see why he'd want time away from that?

Also, if your son is so hard working, he should be supporting you to keep the place clean and tidy. He's an adult now, not a child, and should be contributing to the housework.

What don't you understand? I think my post was pretty clear. You don't like your son's girlfriend because her mum lives on benefits and is taking the piss out of the state. That is a pretty right wing position to take.

Op, you have come across as judgemental about the girl's mother. Youve made a veiled comment about the morals of this girl and her mum and on paper, unfortunately it does come across a bit 'bitchy' for want of a better word - yet you'd surely feel very upset if someone were to judge you for the state of your home, for example?

This young woman may well be a PITA, or she could just be reacting to the vibe you'll be giving off. It's really impossible to say, because it's very clear you don't like her and think she's beneath your son.

At the end of the day there's nothing you can do about his relationship. If his behaviour is at fault, you need to talk to him about it and not hold her responsible. Take a breath and think about the long game. And get him to help you make a start on getting the house straight to help with your MH. It sounds as though some counselling might be helpful too?

She's just said it was her ds' father. Obviously a typo initially.

First of all, snap out of it. This country has millions who are acting like you. Tidy up your home and make it a nice place for your son to live
I wish you knew how lucky you are, if you read this go to bed tonight and wake up a different person.
Get some paint on Monday and spruce up your home, clean the place to death and you will feel much better..

Do you know anything about depression, chronic pain and prolonged grief ?

Op you've had a tough few years losing your dp and you have a chronic medical problem. It is understandable you want what's best for your ds relationship wise. It is hard as parents to keep out of our dc's relationships but you must.

Are you really telling someone with depression and chronic pain to 'snap out of it'?

Why can't the son help make their home a nice place to live?

Yeah, there's an able-bodied adult man who lives in the house too - it's not just the OP's fault it's untidy

@BrianBlessed01 you've posted in depth before about the loss of your partner, your mental and physical health challenges. Your family issues. Your reliance on alcohol.

Gently, your son's girlfriend is not your nearest crocodile. I'd lose the vitriol for her supposed poor behaviour and unacceptable family and lack of ambition. Focus on yourself.

Snap out of grief and chronic pain, did you really just say that?