How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

What do you mean dominates about what she will or won’t eat? Is she just expressing a preference?

Do you feel bad about the fact that your son and girlfriend prefer her home to yours? It sounds like you feel insecure about something and you are projecting it onto his girlfriend and family. You say they don’t work, do you?

Well the OP started it with her comments about the gf!

You’re way too focused on this. The real issue is with your own mental health and physical issues and it’s causing you to hyper focus - I recognise this because I have the same issues and a tendency to do the same. What can you find to focus on for yourself / to make yourself happier? Can you get some financial help for your issues via PIP that you could spend getting someone to clean / declutter for you?

Why are you still depressed to the extent that you can’t clean your house because your son’s partner died? That seems very unusual.

People are allowed to have food preferences. Could you talk to her about what food she enjoys and find a restaurant you’d all enjoy?

Poor mental health is hard so I’m sorry about that.

Could your son help with cleaning? It seems to be strongly affecting you so could you jointly pay for a cleaner?

But why do you want to chuck him out? Just because you don’t like his girlfriend?

Kindly, OP, perhaps focus on sorting yourself out before being so judgemental about others.

Well your son is 18 years old so he is responsible for his own behaviour no matter if there are extenuating circumstances.

you might not like her but as long as she is in his life and is not treating him badly or being abusive then it’s really none of your business.

i very much hope that you have brought him up to be responsible about using contraception because if not you may very well end up with her in your and his lives forever! If you have then the likely outcome will be they won’t be together forever not impossible but relationships at that age don’t tend to last for years.

Yuk you sound like my ex mother in law. If she gets a whiff of the distain you hold for her and her family, i guarantee it will come back to bite you on the arse if they ever settle down or have your grandchildren.

Seriously who are you to be looking down your nose at a young girl ? Imagine if the gf parents judged your son for being pre-disposed to future depression on account of your mental illness.

Unless you know the girls mothers circumstances I don’t know what her employment status has to do with you. Maybe she also suffers with illness or bad mental health, do you see where I’m going with this.

We are all secretly judging each other, some more than others. But when you are a brazen shallow snob, you open yourself up for ridicule to the extreme especially if you’re not perfect yourself.

Maybe she meant son's father/my partner and then blended them together? The house doesn't have to be super tidy, but it should be clean and depression isn't an excuse. If OP is concerned about teen pregnancy then she needs to tell her son to never believe a girl who says she's on the pill/implant etc.

Exactly. I'd hide the thread OP.

I assume you mean that your partner died? It must be very tough.

Leave your son to it and avoid the girlfriend, hopefully he will see the light with age.

I can't imagine op would want to claim PIP given her views on benefit claimants!

Could you be projecting your pain at your sons partner dying onto the girlfriend?

The OP has an older son and he now has a girlfriend.

@BrianBlessed01 Can your children not help you clean up and sort your flat out?

...........but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18.

So I take it that you work full time yourself, and don't claim any benefits for your chronic health conditions.

Do you work op?

Use the £50 a week your son gives you to part fund a cleaner. He really should be living in a home he feels he can bring his partner back to. How awful to be so ashamed of your one home that even a gf of two years isn’t able to visit.

Nothing you have said about her is bad.
She has particular food dislikes? Hardly the crime of the century.

Shes receiving benefits? Are you?

Why do you want him to off and go? Is he having a go at you about the state of the place? (In which case he can help tidy or pay for a cleaner to come in occasionally).

I am flabbergasted by the Gorgons on here. My mistake in ever posting. I thought there might be such a thing as reading a post carefully, and recognising such a thing as 'nuanced' argument. I'm not some slut who's simply too lazy to tidy up - I am in physical pain, which makes housework a bit more of an undertaking than it might be for those of you in double-income families who suggest 'I should get a cleaner.' Believe me, if I could afford it, I would. Mumsnet is a sewer. Thanks to those who took the time to respond gracefully.

And yes, I do work.

Here’s a little info: you are not the end all and be all in your son’s life. That will be his wife, whether it’s this young woman or another. And if you have any hope whatsoever to have a relationship with your future grandchildren, you better get yourself right. And right away.
The way you’re going, you’re looking at a lifetime of anger and resentment and loneliness with nobody to blame but yourself.
What will you do? What WILL you do??

I think it’s her older sons partner that died

Did you mean your partner/son's father died? You mentioned 'son's partner' Which doesn't make sense as that wouldn't cause severe depression to the point you can't look after yourself. If it's your partner then I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you spoken to a professional?

I do work full time, and I don't claim any benefits.

Sorry, I mis-typed, it was my partner, my sons' dad who died.

I kept reading waiting to find out what she'd done to you.