How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

Your son is responsible for his own behavior so you can't blame her. And why can't your son (or both sons if the older one still lives at home) clean up if you are too unwell to do it, it's his home as well and he's an adult.

It's not clear why you dislike her. You don't have to adore her. She's never even been to your house. But maybe your son gets defensive about her as he senses your somewhat unwarranted dislike of her?
He can choose who he dates and unless she's actively abusive or a violent criminal I'd step back and let him make his own choices.

Unless I’ve majorly misread your OP, it sounds like your state reliant so I’m not sure why you’re mud slinging that her mum may or not be so.
The tone in which you speak about this young lady is consistently shitty. ‘STILL lives at home’ - well so does your son!
It sounds like she’s not missing much not being invited round to your flat.

Thank you Mildred. x

She has said she works full time.

Can you give some examples of his and her behaviour?

Many 18yos are a bit difficult and so it just depends on how difficult.

If you suffer with depression, then it may be having an influence on your perception of her.

I would absolutely hate my child to move in with a partner at 18 and I would be doing everything I could to discourage it.

The main thing you need to focus on is cleaning your flat.

You have 2 adult sons who can help you.
And once it’s sorted, then it will be easy to keep on top of because there’s just 2 of you.

This will not only help with your depression but will also mean you can have the gf over more and have more of a relationship/keep an eye on it.

If you ever have any concerns about a child’s partner, then it’s important to keep more of a relationship with the child/partner.

I'm not state reliant at all, I claim no benefits; I work full-time - but yes, you're right, my son's gf is missing nothing by not being invited round to my flat.

People who have lost partners and have chronic medical problems may be frustrated, anxious, maybe unreasonable too but I don't think 'scary' is a very fair label.

The only example she's been able to give is that this 17 year old girl is a fussy eater (or maybe allergies? It's not clear) and vocalises what she can/can't eat when taken to restaurant for a meal.

That's it. If there were worse examples, I'm sure we would have heard them.

Going by her persistent use of misogynist insults, I think the OP just doesn't like women very much. So nothing this girl did would ever be good enough, sadly.

In that case I did misread it and it begs the question of why none of the adults living in the home can do anything to tidy it.
Its easy to look down on others that you see as being below you but you have to remember that very rarely are people’s own state of affairs problem free.
You need to seriously spend some thinking time of letting go of this dislike that seems to run very deep for very little real reason.

Thank you so much; yes, I will always keep comms open with my children and be careful not to criticise their partners. Only inviting a world of pain otherwise; they will always choose the partner, the parent's part is done.

My son's gf is missing nothing by not being invited round to my flat

She's missing being included in tthe family, @BrianBlessed01, which maybe she'd enjoy given they've been together a while?

I'm genuinely very sorry about the struggles you're having, but like others am a bit unsure why two adult sons aren't giving you a hand to tidy the place up?

So you manage to work full time (while suffering with chronic pain and depression) but you can't manage to keep your house tidy (because of chronic pain and depression)?

What job do you do?

Have you looked into claiming PIP? I don't think that's means tested, so you could still earn a wage, and perhaps pay for a cleaner if you were entitled to monetary help to make life easier for you.
It must be depressing not being physically able to do the things that need doing to make your home comfortable. I have arthritis, so I do get it.
And your son should also help with household chores....no doubt he contributes to the mess.

Can you say why your adult sons don't help keep the place clean and tidy OP? You are doing them (and their future partners!) a disservice if you haven't taught them to contribute to housework. It's not too late for them to start though. They are old enough to do their fair share, and have been for years.

Appalled you say ? You haven’t exactly put yourself in the best light yourself, judging your sons gf and her family when you barely know them.

Then when people you asked advice from tell you you’re being harsh you get nasty.

'Mysogynist insults'? Sorry, I think you're reading something where there's no basis for that, with respect.

It is depressing when your home is a mess. The longer you leave it the more impossible it seems to clean and declutter. You need some sort of plan. Because I am sure it won’t take that long when you actually do it. Could you do 30 min a day? One room at the time, together with your son? Or even if it’s 15 minutes. Or less. Or declutter one single drawer. Get your son to take away what you want to throw out straight away. I suspect you will feel better.

I am sorry about your partner.

Can you provide some more details on why you don't like her? And in what way is your son different when he's around her?

but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.
Maybe not judge so much
Are you working and adding to "the state" ?
Have you voiced this opinion out loud?

I'm a journalist (ducks). Not a nasty, tabloid one though. I use my powers for good.

You sound a bit like my mum when she’s drinking whisky, I don’t mean that in a cruel way I just mean is it possible you’re pointing your anger at this girl as it’s easier and if you have a drink it can be satisfying to be angry and more “fun” (not really fun but you know what I mean) than being sad or introspecting.

Try not to be offended by her food choices or whatever, she’s a teenager too and probably still learning to be tactful. Encourage your sons to have the best self esteem possible and they should eventually dump anyone crap. The best way to do that is look after yourself and sort things out at home so they never have to feel there’s something wrong with them or their home.

OP, I echo a previous poster who suggested asking Mumsnet HQ to delete this thread and to then start a new one.

I know you're hurt by some of the comments but I'm afraid that's down to the way that you framed the op. Women, especially mothers of teenage girls or women who were teenage mums themselves, are bound to take offense at your judgemental post which didn't include actual evidence of the girl's supposed poor behaviour.

AIBU has a reputation as being a nest of vipers but it can also be incredibly supportive. I often read threads posted by women in terrible relationships who are only just realising that they are being abused or who ask whether what they experience is ok. The overwhelming majority of replies are full of kindness and wisdom.

I'm sure you will also receive support here if you post that you are struggling with keeping your house in the state that you want it to be while also working full time and trying to cope with poor physical health and poor mental health following bereavement (making it clear that you suffered the loss of your partner).

You have a huge amount to deal with and if you lead with that, you will get sympathy and good advice.

If you feel a need to mention you son's girlfriend then maybe try and pinpoint what the actual issue is in your own mind before posting and try to show more empathy towards your ds and the girl.