How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

I think it's easy to project how you feel on an external factor and I cant help but think that's what you're doing here a bit OP.

Your son needs to make his own decisions, and that includes mistakes for himself now he's an adult and all you can do is hope you raised him well enough to avoid any real big ones.

Focus on getting yourself well, with help if needed and let your boy enjoy young love for all it's ups and downs.

She's 18
She hadn't "dropped out of education". She did the required amount.

Has she got a job? Have you any reason to believe she might be trying to use your son other than "her mother had a baby at 17 and is on benefits"? Baring in mind her mother might have been rated at 17, might have thought she was in a loving relationship and then was abandoned and had to raise her alone, might have been coerced into it? And might be on benefits because she can't work?

Do you know she's just a "benefits scrounge having babies with lots of men to trap them or get more money", which you imply, or is that your judgey opinion?

Not expecting a kind or considerate reaction from you either based on your vitriol on here but hey ho.

Because why is it ok for the op to judge some girl she hardly knows and judge that girls mother for being a teen mum .
How many people here are still with the person they dated at 18? I would be surprised if that many
So many reasons , but I don't have to justify myself to you @SleeplessInWherever

Thanks for responding. My older son lives up North; the one who lives with me is doing a full-time job where he has to leave very early and gets home late, whereas I WWF most of the time, so I feel I have no excuse not to do stuff. And at weekends he usually sees his friends and his g/f, which I wouldn't want to try to stop him doing, even if I could. I probably COULD get him to help more, but only by nagging and haranguing him, which I find hard, it really isn't in my nature, especially as I'm hardly Martha Stewart myself.

Thank you; you're right.

our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here.

If your son really wanted to bring his girlfriend over, he'd clean the flat surely? I mean as an adult he should be doing that anyway? My 18 year old daughter has to muck in with housework and she knows her jobs get done before she goes anywhere, whether to work, her boyfriends, whatever!

OP, is it mainly the dropping out of education/lack of job issue that is bothering you?

If so, I do get that. I don’t think you explained yourself very well in your original post and it wasn’t clear exactly what your issue really was with this girl.
That aside, does your son have a good work ethic? It’s a difficult position to be in because whatever you say to him, ie if you express your concerns, you are likely to push him further away.
I think you’re going to have to just ride it out. Make sure your son knows how much you value his work ethic, but realistically you have to let him live his life. Be welcoming to this girl, as hard as it is. Not many early relationship last, so chances are this will fizzle out anyway.

Okay, but unless I’m mistaken you’ve said that and made your point known on it.

At this point it’s just arguing for arguing’s sake.

Thank you. I think you're absolutely right. I didn't realise how badly my original post read, and think I've paid the price for it! 😂Lordy. My son does have a good work ethic and I completely realise I have to put up or shut up about his gf, otherwise I run the risk of pushing him away. Somebody here earlier on pointed out that you can have a 'sixth sense' about someone, which I don't normally hold much truck with, but my older son and his g/f haven't taken to her either. Obviously, we haven't shared that with my younger son... Thanks again. A relief to have some thoughtful input.

@SleeplessInWherever are you my mum? What has what I think got to do with you? It's an internet forum. Go tell someone else off. I'm not the only person with a poor opinion of @BrianBlessed01

Am I your mum 😂😂

No, I am definitely not your mother.

There’s a difference between disagreeing with someone and personally attacking them, and a few here are right on that line.

😂

😂

So that's alright then. At least you're not the only one! 😂

Safety in numbers! 😂

@BrianBlessed01 you replied to yourself their 😬 oh and safety in numbers? Should have done a poll so far very few agreeing with you.

Yes, I know. And then I corrected myself. It's 'there' by the way, not 'their.' Night!

@BrianBlessed01 my absolute apologies for my spelling error 🥱 slut /slattern mistake you made was fine tho yeah?!

That explanation really is not convincing if I’m honest.

Slut and slattern mean basically the same thing. Slattern has just held its original meaning better as there's no secondary meaning.

Are you a hoarder?

I’m struggling to see how your flat is so messy when there are only 2 adults living there, one who is barely there and 1 who WFH.

I would ask your son to spare one free weekend day, where you both spend the day absolutely blitzing the place and bagging it all up for the dump.

The more stuff you have, the harder it is to clean and it becomes overwhelming.

Then I would make a written plan of what you’re going to do each day.
Do 30mins at lunchtime and 1 hour after work.

You have no commute, so use that time to be doing housework.

You just need to get into a routine and keep on top of it.

I find putting my headphones on and listening to a good audiobook or music really helps.

Do you go out much or socialise?
I think you should try and go for a daily walk, as this will really help with your MH and will help you when it comes to sorting your home.

I understood the OP's meaning from the start, because the context of the post was about housework, but the word she used was misogynist regardless of whether the old or new meaning was intended.

Simple test for whether an insult is misogynist is to ask yourself if it could/would be used against a man. Men don't get berated or called slut/slattern for having messy homes, do they?

The words slut and slattern have been used to denigrate women for decades. Let's not use them against each other, or legitimise them by pretending that they are acceptable.

Probably missing the point, but what relevance does Anthea Turner have to this?!

I have a back injury which really limits my ability to do housework so I empathise with your situation. Although my house is not too bad when just glancing, a closer inspection would show that it needs a really good clean. Unfortunately I’m just not up to the task anymore, so no judgement from me.

I take your point, but, ironically, women, including myself, have been conditioned to feel they, and they alone, are responsible for housework. Which, in itself, is, of course, a misogynist concept, but also just an unfortunate, and undeniable, part of history. Thank you for your understanding of my original post.