How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

Can you afford a cleaner? Just to get the place up straight?

Why don’t you claim PIP. It’ll possibly help out with a cleaner. It’s supposed to pay for things to help.

And what do you do for work?

Christ, that's a bit bleak. And undermines my emotional intelligence somewhat. 'Here's a little info.' How patronising can you be? I hope I didn't give the impression I do think I'm the be all and end all in my son's life - far from it. Thanks for you dazzling input anyway. Very helpful.

Wooooooowwwww!! 🤦‍♀️

but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son,

Who does his gf live with, you say family is that mum and dad or just her mum?
Even if there is a family pattern (which we don’t know, that could just be you lashing out) it’s also your sons responsibility to not get her pregnant so this doesn’t happen!!

I'm not some slut who's simply too lazy to tidy up

I sympathise with poor mental health but it is difficult to have empathy when your replies are quite nasty to others.

Its nothing to do with dual income families. It’s clearly affecting you so make cleaning a priority. Surely your ‘lovely, sweet son’ would want to help his mother who is in pain and help out around the flat.

If you have a chronic pain problem you may be entitled to PIP. It's worth a try and it could then pay for a cleaner if you aren't able. What painkillers are you on, are you under a pain team? If not ask your GP for a referral.

Just accept the situation with your ds, we don't have to love our dc's partners but just smile and wave. At 18 I doubt it will be for long. Don't drive him away.

Thank you for making a kind suggestion. I am trying to save for a de-clutter and deep clean. I'm appalled by the banshees on here screeching about my failure to be a proper 'home-maker.' I appreciate you being practical.

The OP sounds rather viperish and judgemental herself with this:

'her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18.'

That's a nice bit of right wing benefit bashing right there.

Does your son help tidy up?

I think if you had posted asking for support for your bereavement and your physical and mental health problems, you would have seen a very different side to Mumsnet OP. People are being abrasive because the focus of your thread is a young girl about whom you have told us very little other than that you loathe her, and blame her for things that cannot possibly be her fault (such as your son's disrespectful behaviour). The judgemental remarks about her family and benefits are also going to put people's backs up, surely you can see that? I would hide this thread and start a new one without all the vitriol, if you want people to be nicer.

In 5 years there'll be a thread along the lines of "why won't my son talk to me?".

I'm appalled by the banshees on here screeching about my failure to be a proper 'home-maker.'

Where has this been said?

Thank you for being kind; there's no way I want to drive my boy away (obviously!) He and his brother lost their Dad in 2019, which is something we've all had to work through, but I'm so proud of both of them. x

I don’t understand why you don’t like ds’s girlfriend or are thinking he should maybe move out. Nothing you’ve said explains why you are feeling the way you do about them. I’d definitely look at getting a cleaner to tackle the flat.

You still haven't said what she's meant to have done wrong? Apart from being a picky eater.

Why not use the £50 dig money to pay for a cleaner to get on top of it. I'm £30 every two weeks in a 3 bed semi.

OP surely you can see the irony of you calling out bitchy posters after your post full of bitching about your son’s 18 YEAR OLD girlfriend. Not sure who you are to judge her home life or parenting when you yourself have admitted yours isn’t great. Don’t throw stones when you live in a glass house yourself.

OP, your posts have included a steady stream of misogynist insults...

Diva
Bitchy little Anthea Turner
I'm not some slut
Gorgons
Banshees... screeching

Maybe if you gave the misogyny a rest, the other women on MN would respond better to you?

JESUS!
She's not allowed to voice her own opinion on what she likes to eat

You sound bloody horrible and very jealous no wonder he wants to be at her place

Spend the 200 quid a month he gives you on a Cleaner
If you can afford to eat out regularly then prioritise yours and his needs

Someone doesn't like other women very much.

What do you mean Op about her dominating what you go out to eat?

Thank you; I don't think I said I 'loathe' her; she is an 18-year-old girl and that would be mean, and bullying. Which is something I hope I'm not.

No one has screeched about your failure to be a proper home maker. Your sons need to step up and help with the housework, they must know you're struggling. Have you been in touch with local social, community and bereavement groups who can offer you practical and emotional support. This isn't about your sons gf, so what if she's a diva, concentrate on yourself, don't go out with them if she makes you feel small.

I think you’re getting some harsh responses on here OP. It’s clear you’ve been through an awful lot and your struggles are justified! Living with chronic pain makes everything so much more difficult. I agree with a previous suggestion of paying for a deep clean, obviously this can be expensive but I find that it is easier to keep somewhere tidy once it’s been tidied - it can be so overwhelming to know where to start. Are you getting any support for your mental health?

I think our capacity to deal with annoyances can be significantly reduced when in pain/ struggling with mental health / stressed and I wonder if you would find it easier to tolerate your sons girlfriend if you felt better in yourself. I would be careful not to let your feelings about his girlfriend negatively impact your relationship with him. Perhaps it is just about minimising contact with her currently and reminding yourself that he is only young - chances are he will have girlfriends after her! We can’t change other people, we only can have some control over our reactions and what we do. I think your future self might regret it if you were to do something extreme here (e.g tell your son to leave). I hope things improve for you soon!