To want to double barrel DD’s surname?

[FestiveGoat]

ExH and I divorced 6 years ago. When DD was born we gave her our (his) surname. After divorce I reverted to my maiden name. DD is now 8 and I want to change her surname from “ExHName” to “ExHName-MyName”

AIBU?

It's absolutely not a non starter, daughter agrees she wants it - it would be a very easy win if you took a specific issues order to court you'd definitley get this.
My ex bullied me into doing exactly this by threatening court and I was advised that he'd definitely get given it and would possibly add child arrangements on the the court hearing too so it was better to just agree.
If your daughter really does want it, and you're happy to do and pay for all of the admin, and you're not going to change your name again if you get a new husband, then just take it to court.

Whatever they want to happen- drop one, move one or some to middle names, take their partners, blend them into new name, just keep existing names - endless possibilities

The appropriation of what?

What 'type?'

Highly likely in case he can prove that it would cause her harm

Textbook emotional manipulation. “It would be nice if…” is planting the seed, it’s what’s called a leading question. Bringing the grandparents into it to tug on her wee heart is horrible. I’d be fuming if I was your ex.

Why?

She asked her ex when they divorced and he refused. Their child was too young to even know what her surname was at the time.

Why should their child only have his name?

If he's fuming he only has himself to blame for not being reasonable when he was asked nicely.

Despite being the parent who doesn’t do as much raising of the kids, you’d be fuming that the child has both parents’ names? How…selfish.

This! This is bordering on emotional abuse @FestiveGoat! You are trying to erase her identity, what makes her who she is. Her father is half of her DNA, half of her self worth and how she identifies is tied up in him. Gently, she doesn’t give a crap that you don’t like him and not should she! Choose better men to shag without protection in future if he’s that bad (which I can’t imagine he is if you are allowing close to 50:50 custody) and stop messing with this poor little girls self esteem!

No, I would be fuming that my co parent was using blatant emotional manipulation on my child which is a form of psychological abuse. If my child wanted both names and it was suggested of their own accord then that would be their choice. The way the OP has talked about this poor little girls name, even erasing it on school artwork, is horrific and as PPs have said it is going to cause her long term issues if she doesn’t stop.

A nightmare for genealogy

But they could have double barrelled her name when they divorced, when she was only two.

It's entirely the OP's ex's fault that they didn't.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

*But they could have double barrelled her name when they divorced, when she was only two.

It's entirely the OP's ex's fault that they didn't.*

Did I miss the bit it was entirely the ex's fault? Also, the OP has already said the name would be officially double barrelled but only use the the mum's name informally. Presumably the dad would continue to use his name for the child so the poor child will have 2 separate names in 2 separate houses. That's so damaging.

The OP could have also kept the same name as her child if it meant that much to her? I’m all for baby having Mum’s name or a DB name from birth if that is what the Mum wants, that’s fair enough. But changing a child’s identity after years, whether that be 2 or 8, based on how you feel about the person you made her with just feels wrong to me. Lots of kids know their full name at 2. What’s the OP going to do if she starts to look more like her Dad? Shares his hobbies as a teen? Picks up his speech patterns or quirks? The OP is very open that she hates the name as it reminds her of him which is why she wants it changed.

What on earth does it matter whether she looks like him or shares his hobbies?

Yeah apparently you did. The OP asked to double barrell their DD's name when they divorced and her ex said no.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

Ok. Still don't get how that's entirely his fault. Why couldn't she push for it then before the child was even aware of her surname.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom the child's looks and hobbies matter because OP has said she can't stand any reminder of her ex. If the child has any similarities to her dad what is the mum going to do?

She did push for it and he said no. Have you read her replies?

This has nothing to do with whether she should share a name with her mum or just her dad.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom yes, I've read them. He said no this time too. She can pursue it this time so why couldn't she have done it last time. Oh yeah, because her husband's solicitor said not to. That's on her for not getting independent advice.

And you're missing the point on the looks and hobbies etc. I don't know how to say it more clearly.

So maybe she's a bit more savvy now. Maybe she regrets allowing herself to be steamrollered. Maybe she couldn't afford her own solicitor.

I'm not missing the point about looks and hobbies. They just aren't relevant to this situation.

If you'd given her a first name of your ex's grandmother or so, would you now want to change her first name to one from your side?

That's different but only in extent - at a certain point her name is her name regardless of anyone else. Have you considered going double barrel yourself - in honour of your daughter rather than your ex?

OP's ex sees their DD three days a week, so close to 50% - that's hardly nothing, is it?

So maybe she's a bit more savvy now. Maybe she regrets allowing herself to be steamrollered. Maybe she couldn't afford her own solicitor.

That may all be true - but you can't always change your regrets, sometimes you just have to learn to live with them.

On an emotional level, I get it - she doesn't want that constant reminder in black and white every time she fills out a form, but for me, it wouldn't be worth the inevitable upset between her and her ex, and potentially her ex and their joint DD, who needs to be the main priority here.

She sees her dad regularly (three times a week) so he's hardly absent in her life. I really don't think it's fair to potentially rock the boat on a relationship between a little girl and her dad over a surname.