To want to double barrel DD’s surname?

[FestiveGoat]

ExH and I divorced 6 years ago. When DD was born we gave her our (his) surname. After divorce I reverted to my maiden name. DD is now 8 and I want to change her surname from “ExHName” to “ExHName-MyName”

AIBU?

Thank god for your post! I was starting to fear for my sanity seeing the poll & the replies.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable. The whole 'dad's name by default' thing is bloody awful.

A friend is in the same position - now a single mum, ex has their son once a week & is fairly useless. So she's out there working full time, being a single mum & generally just legendary whilst her own offspring carries his name! I may have suggested she sort out adding hers in...she might be doing that...

To me there is no reasonable argument against it.

YABU

Only certain types of people go with the double barrel. Do you really want to be one of them?

Don't do it to your poor child.

This is a really good way of putting it

My kids' names are double barrel. There is nothing wrong with it. Although my third child will just have my name

YANBU

You don’t have to legally change your name to use a name. My kids legally have their dads name, but are know by my maiden name which I went back to.

If you are the parent who does 90% of the care, who books and pays for everything the child does then you can use whichever last name you like.

Wth

That is very clearly trying to influence her!

So is it likely a court would agree to double barrelling? I’m willing to do this if needs be.

Of course you've influenced her! She would never have even thought about changing her name if you hadn't raised it. You chose to only use ex's surname so I think you should just leave it as it is. You have divorced but he's still her father and it's still her name.

What happens when you get married again and have another child? Does your DD then get another name added? Or is a different surname to their half-sibling.

As PP said, your circumstances have changed, not hers. If you didn’t want her to be a child of the marriage or have his family name, you shouldn’t have accepted all the benefits of marriage.

It’s also really unfair on her as she’ll have to constantly declare a name change for the rest of her life, and then make a decision on which part of the double barrel she wants to take forwards if she marries.

You made your decision. If she’s that fussed at 16 she can change it then.

YANBU. and I am surprised at all the people saying you are.
if she wants to change it, then it can done. I did this as a child, same circumstance.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable. The whole 'dad's name by default' thing is bloody awful.

I agree it shouldn't be the default.

I just think that once you've done it, you've done it, and shouldn't change it 8 years later (especially not with a slightly manipulative "wouldn't it be nice to have the same name as mummy?"). I'd say the same if this was a dad who originally agreed to give a child the mother's surname and 8 yrs later wanted to change it to add his.

This

At this stage, I'd probably wait and let your dd decide at 16, when she won't need her dad's permission. I changed my name when I left school in this scenario, and I am rather hoping my own dd will do something similar later. But at 8, she is well established in her name and not that far from autonomy. I think you should wait and let her decide. Not worth a court battle IMO.

If you go through all the stress it’s likely you can double barrel a last name. It’s difficult to completely change it.

I just wanted to add it’s fine to change her name. She is as much part of you as her dad.

My surname was changed when I was 7.

It's been a right pain in the arse. My birth certificate matches nothing.

I was glad when I got married and could change it "legitimately" in a way that was expected.

I wouldn't change it - she can do it herself when she's 16 if she wants.

My friend had her mothers name added when she was about 8. Wasn’t a problem at all so far as I can tell. Useful for flights and so forth (less chance security will be concerned that you’re kidnapping your child apparently).

I wouldn't change it, it's her name. I don't like double barrelled names anyways. What happens if two double barrelled people want to combine their names?

Concocting hyphenated names is very naff, I'm afraid.

Your child will find i'm not the only person who thinks this.

This is the route you want to go? With the person you need to co-parent with? I feel even if you win a court case (how much would that cost you?) is it worth it? Is this the hill to die on now?

I have a double barrelled surname, I really want to know why this made me a “poor child”?

My parents never married and still have their original names so that’s why they did it.

The woman takes uses their mothers surname and the man uses their fathers. That’s how it works in Italy I think.

I have this with one of my children. I've found I'm ok with it now because I think if it as her name. I do think it's unreasonable to change a child's name once they have it and know it

No that’s not how it works in Italy at all!