To want to double barrel DD’s surname?

[FestiveGoat]

ExH and I divorced 6 years ago. When DD was born we gave her our (his) surname. After divorce I reverted to my maiden name. DD is now 8 and I want to change her surname from “ExHName” to “ExHName-MyName”

AIBU?

I think that’s what’s mumsnet is for. You can disagree or argue points and it doesn’t matter what your mood is.

I hadn’t realised you’d posted already and when I saw I was just another person joining in I felt so stupid! I’m glad you explained rather than tell me to fuck off 😂

Her update says she loathes her ex-husband...

IMO there's no reason to even discuss changing surnames with an 8yo who still sees their dad. OP may regret changing her own name on marriage, and giving her DD the name she did, but that's not a reason to fight through the courts.

If her DD wants to change her name as an adult, she can, or if she wants to change it informally, she can. Going to court and upsetting the co-parenting relationship for the sake of a surname seems very silly to me.

EDIT: clarification.

Of course it matters how someone forms an opinion. You are not being fair with your daughter. You avoid using her surname? That's awful TBH.

I don't think you should pursue this. I bet you would cease to use her father's half of the name if you double barrelled it. You don't want to use it now. This is just back door name changing.

Apologies, I missed that update my bad.

Still doesn't change anything imo. The only reason to have to go through the courts for this would be cos exdh refuses to allow the change - for which there's no good reason but for control & ownership. Unfortunately there has to be a period of change where it's awkward & complicated for the kids/mums involved in getting rid of the 'default dad's name' BS before it's totally normalised.

And that's us, I'm afraid, we've got to do so our kids see it as normal. If we don't, nothing changes & we keep this stupid tradition borne of us being chattel (which is actually the word my DH used when I ranting about this before I left for work this morning).

You propose to double-barrel the names so she will still have her father's surname, which you hate because it reminds you of him. So it doesn't exactly solve the problem, does it? Unless you intend for the double-barreled name to be only for official legal purposes (passport etc) and will actually just use your surname as her "known as" name?

Yes, we use the full name, which happens to have 2 parts to it. People can lose their shit as much as they like. You wouldn’t expect an Irish or Sri Lankan person to Anglicise or shorten their name, would you? Why should we?

I’m not being nasty to DD about the surname I just don’t like her having things with her full name printed. As an example, school do Christmas cards which are professionally printed each year. As standard they will say artwork by Firstname Lastname and I’ve had them amended to say artwork by Firstname.

To answer a couple of questions:

DD sees her father usually for 3 nights a week. He is a shift worker so this isn’t every week but it averages out at that.

My preference would be for DD’s legal name to be Firstname ExHname-Myname but for her socially to be Firstname Myname.

As standard they will say artwork by Firstname Lastname and I’ve had them amended to say artwork by Firstname.

jeez Louise! You hate your daughter’s surname so much you’re making school amend stuff so it’s first name only?

stop that. It’s HER name. You’re going to cause all sorts of issues.

If she didn't see him i would understand but 3 nights a week on average? No. She has a name and you should use it

You are not being unreasonable at all. This same situation happened with my granddaughter at the same age. The 2 surnames weren't double barrelled though, my daughter's maiden name ( to which she had reverted) was added as a second surname.
Initially her ex h did not want to agree but after a time he realised it would be unreasonable to refuse, so gave permission.
It was done via deed poll and has caused no issues whatsoever, my granddaughter loves having part of her surname the same as her mother's and our side of the family. School and friends immediately changed too, no issues at all with them referring to her with the extra name, no one ever calls her by her previous single surname.

OP this is your issue that you need to sort it out, seek therapy for this and the aftermath of your marriage if need be. I can truly understand that this is triggering for you, but it’s your daughter’s name and part of her identity - she is 8 years old, it’s too late to change now.

All you will do by asking school to make exceptions for her is create a complex around her surname and possibly even her father, who she still had a relationship and regular contact with. She WILL notice that you are dislike her name and this could manifest in many different ways, including resentment towards you, which I’m sure you’d like to avoid.

It does matter how she arrived at the opinion, there’s a possibility she’ll think back as an adult and feel you manipulated her.

I do sympathise but I think you have to reassure your daughter and tackle these feelings yourself.

I think this sounds fair enough.
However, I’ve worked in schools for a long time and a good percentage (not all by a long way but a good percentage) only use one part of their double barrelled name, sometimes the first, sometimes the second.
I would imagine that having only used one name her whole life your daughter would probably naturally continue to do so day to day.
Obviously this depends on how strongly she feels about it.

I’m not being nasty to DD about the surname I just don’t like her having things with her full name printed. As an example, school do Christmas cards which are professionally printed each year. As standard they will say artwork by Firstname Lastname and I’ve had them amended to say artwork by Firstname.

This is so inappropriate.

Your issues with your ex-husband are yours to solve - don't try and cause a problem with your DD and her dad over a name that you both chose to give her - it's totally unfair.

This is very sad for your daughter. She's half your ex. She has his name, what happens if she grows up to look more like him? You can't change that? You need to get your own head sorted and stop imposing your feelings for your ex on your daughter. Have you told your ex or your daughter you intend to only use your name?

YABU.

Her name is not yours to change. You are the one with the problem with it, and you would still see her dad's surname on documents even it were to be double-barrelled with your maiden name.

Your daughter has a relationship with her father, which is outside of whatever happened in your marriage.

By suggesting to her that it would be “nice” to have your surname and matching it with her grandparents’, you risk making her feel like she doesn’t fully belong in your family as she is.

No it's not. Don't be ridiculous

yes double-barrelling is very pretentious

You are being ridiculous

how? Its an opinion, I find I eye roll when I see a doube-barrelled name

Everything about it screams of wanting to be seen as 'better'. This is why threads here periodically pop up about how to look nouveau-riche and the like. It's become more commonplace now because some people want that niche moniker but it was about protecting lineage and appeasing feudal families when it actually made sense.

I think that giving children their mother's surname would avoid a heap of future problems too.

"My preference would be for DD’s legal name to be Firstname ExHname-Myname but for her socially to be Firstname Myname."

Just what I thought, then.

So what would you ideally have on the Christmas cards? Both surnames or just yours?

My parents did this when I was a child. My mum just used her surname and my dad just used his. I didn't like it. Felt as if they wanted me to be different people. When I went to uni I used both surnames - of course we don't use surnames that often but if it was needed I would often just use the initials ie FirstName AB.

You need to resolve your feeling towards your ex - probably with professional support. This is a much more extreme reaction to your daughter’s name than you realise.

Not letting her have things with her name and having her treated differently to her peers at school - that is being nasty about her name. Your are making your displeasure clear over and over.

I think she’s too old for her name to be changed.

This isn’t an issue comparable to racism or bigotry.

There is no “should” around it. It’s just generations of common practice and a form of etiquette. People feel awkward and upset when then they don’t understand things. By just using the last part, you are making other people feel more at ease.

But if you created a name to make a point of including your surname, I can understand why you feel strongly about using it.

And as we see from the OP’s update, she wants to create a double barrelled name to exclude her ex’s name…by just using the last part (hers).