To want to double barrel DD’s surname?

[FestiveGoat]

ExH and I divorced 6 years ago. When DD was born we gave her our (his) surname. After divorce I reverted to my maiden name. DD is now 8 and I want to change her surname from “ExHName” to “ExHName-MyName”

AIBU?

The name now belongs to her. I believe the law is wrong on this one. You and her father might have the legal right to change her name, but you do not have the moral authority to do so. I think name changes for minors should be reserved for cases of adoption or extraordinary circumstances.

if she wants to double-barrel her name, she can do that herself when she becomes an adult.

Nope, you’re right I’ve just seen this. I just agreed with the point made and didn’t check back further. Absolutely no need for the comments at you. Ignore my comment.

Thanks.
I shouldn’t have risen to it to be honest, but I’ve been in a bit of a foul mood and it tipped me over the edge.

What, by talking to her about it? How else should she have approached it?

I imagine, like many women including me, she's suddenly realised what she gave up cos of social norms. Men never have to change bloody anything. Not their name, not their title. It's all theirs to keep - as a rule they are born with a name & they die with that same name.

Yet women have 3 different titles to denote their 'relationship' (see ownership) & by default any number of surnames (depending on said ownership). Every child within those various relationships (ownerships!) bears the name of the man (as though it were property) with the mum (by default due to social norms) having her original name reflected precisely nowhere.

Sure double barrelling starts to get clumsy but this is a uniquely female issue which is why there's no bloody solution & just derision should any woman decide they'd rather not have their kids purely be a reflection of the man who is most likely to be the absent sodding parent!

I say all of this as someone who adores her DH but actually really struggles (as a fully adult woman) with the fact my family name is nowhere to be seen amongst my children & actively encouraged my eldest DS to give his son his mums name & not ours.

? People who want their dual nationality heritage respectively acknowledged? Why is my name less than my ex husband's?

She's 6, she's not an infant, so yes, YABU.

If she wants to change her name when she's older, she can. Whether just by court order or marriage or other event.

None of the reasons you have given are valid to change it because those reasons aren't new. You chose to change your last name upon marriage and then divorce.

I do not believe you would succeed at Court for the above-mentioned reasons.

In double-barrelled names the second name is usually the “daily name” while the whole shebang is only used on official documents like passports, bank accounts, school, medical records etc.

As she is already known by her name, it makes sense to use your maiden name as the first ‘barrel’.

So her name would be:
Hannah Yourname - Hisname

This is the very definition of influencing her

As somebody who grew up with a surname that was hard to spell and letters that were easy to mishear plus an unusual first name that was almost always misheard as a more common variant. I am aways in favour of easy to spell names preferably shortish names. I'd never double barrel any name and my maiden name double barreled with my married name would turn into a spelling nightmare. I also understand geometric progression, first two then four, the eight, sixteen etc. And yes, I do think you have sought to influence your daughter. Anyway she is not going to have the same name as her grandparents unless they double barrel your exes name as well. In fact, she is going to be only one with this name - nobody else is going to have this surname.

They decide with their partners, which names they want to keep moving forward. I also know a fair few couples who have made up a new surname which they both liked. I have friends whose daughters have the mother’s first name as a surname and sons have the father’s first name. Lots of choices these days.

I think I have to agree here tbh. When your daughter is 16 let her decide for herself.

WE EXPLODE!!!

I mean come on.. people just choose the name they fancy and mix it up a bit.

No we wouldn't.. at some point someone would go "I don't fancy a 4 barrelled name I'll keep my own" or they'll choose 2 of the names or they'll say actually I want all 4 names.

Could you just not have it as a 'known as' name.??

I know several kids where they are known by a completely different surname at school /social stuff than what may have on their passport.

Unless there are other issues?where it MUST be official?

If my parents had done this to me I would have ended up with seven sets of double letters. Leave it for her to decide later, but I would keep it simple.

For everyone saying to not change it because she's already 8 and to wait til she's 16 - that's much more complicated! All her GCSE certificates etc will be in her birth name by then. If she wants to change it (and it's not really changing so much as adding something to it) then sooner the better.

Also the advice to not change it based on the fact that she MAY one day get married and MAY want to change her name then... Why are so many people outraged at her taking her mother's name at the age of 8 (through choice) but totally fine with her taking her hypothetical future husband's name at a much later age when she will already be established in a career, possibly, and probably have qualifications etc and a driving license in her own name?

Raises some uncomfortable questions about how we see names and identity and, yes, 'ownership'...

Why the sudden change now? Is exdh getting remarried or having another child? From your posts this seems reactive.

It is her name, you shouldnt change it.

This is silly. As in Spain, you would just keep one each and become Edwards-Jones. Such a non issue.

This.
I double barrelled, but didn't do the same to the kids. Both my girls have now doubled barrelled because they want my name too. The school changed their names no bother, they use that name on social media etc, but on official docs it remains their old name.
I don't see the issue with changing the child's name to reflect both parents, it's not as if she is taking the Dad's name away.
And some of the comments about double barrelling are ridiculous, it's just a name. MN can be so weirdly judgemental.

Very surprised by the general tone of these posts. For the people saying that the child's circumstances haven't changed - yes they have! When she was born she shared a name with both of her parents. Now she doesn't. That's a pretty big change when it comes to the idea of naming and belonging.
In terms of inheriting double-barrels - I actually live in a country where it's common to have 4 surnames (2 from the mother, 2 from the father). I've seen 6 before. The parents can choose which combination of names to pass on to their children. I'm not fully advocating for this system because it can sometimes become ridiculous, but it shows that naming customs don't have to be as rigid as many on here believe.
Going to court does seem like a nuclear option unfortunately. Though. I hope too can resolve it in a less contentious way OP.

Because when she gets married it will be her choice what she calls herself. Her parents have already had one go

You do seem to be very against double barrelled names!!

Surely anyone can be called anything they want once they reach adulthood

I have an "arsehole" surname, according to your perspective... It was not from joining two families... My dad was double barrelled as was his family going back generations...

The second part of my barrell is one of the most common surnames in Uk... If I dropped the barrell I would be "J Brown' (not the name) , which cna be confused with. all the other J Browns.

A friend with a common surname almost had wrong surgery as there was someone else with the same name, similar birthdate living in same town... Think something like Sarah Smith...

Yanbu. I wasn't allowed to do it officially as the law sides with absent fathers on this. I was fed up with being called the wrong surname.
Every school and activity double barreled their names though. Passports and exams are in their official dads surname.

Oh you absolutely have influenced her. Please own it

If you remarry, would you change her surname again?

Her name is an important part of her personal identity. If she wants to change it, leave her to do it herself ehen she's older

Have you ever met anyone like this?

You haven’t, because you know it’s not what people do. Not in this country, or in any of the countries in which it is the norm to have both parents names.

You know this, as does everyone who posts this exact same ‘GOTCHA’ on every thread in which double-barrelling is mentioned, yet you can continue to post this nonsense.

Someone is certainly being very stupid.