To want to double barrel DD’s surname?

[FestiveGoat]

ExH and I divorced 6 years ago. When DD was born we gave her our (his) surname. After divorce I reverted to my maiden name. DD is now 8 and I want to change her surname from “ExHName” to “ExHName-MyName”

AIBU?

OP I'm in exactly the same situation as you.

I'm so angry with myself that I just blithely put his name on the birth certificate.

At 16 the child can choose for themselves. I'm hoping she might.

To be clear, I don't want to get rid of his surname, just add mine.

It’s not that hard - we simply chose one of the 2 surnames to keep and combine with the other (which was single). What’s the alternative? Buy into an horrific patriarchal tradition that comes from women being chattel? Just because dim witted people can’t see how to create patterns without simple addition?

No thanks.

Kids are a little bit of each family combined, not property of the father.

It's not nonsense at all

Why?

Incorrect. My kids have 2 surnames (not hyphenated) and both are used on all documents and in school etc. They are ‘Smith Jones’ not ‘Jones’ ever. What sometimes happens (particularly on BA for some reason) is that on forms it ends up as Smithjones but I think that’s a quirk of the programming.

Double-barrelled names are pretentious unless it's been in your family for about 1200 years and you own a county

How sad that you would rather restrict choice in choosing simpler names than insist on higher standards. Modern communication is far more likely to be written these days - online forms and emails superseding someone at a counter taking it down from you etc.

Why not expect excellence? Correct spelling? The ability to create patterns without being forced into a mindset that X+ Y = X Y

My mum did this with me and I didn't like having a double barrelled surname.

Would you care to elaborate on what "type of people" this would be? I'm keen to see if my partner and I fit into your (presumably) ridiculous stereotype of people that would choose to do this!

OP, I really dislike saying this as I am a firm supporter of people who want both their surnames for their child's (mine does too), but I do think it's too late to do this now, at 8 her surname is firmly established and it would be unfair to amend all of her legal documentation, make family, friends, teachers, professionals aware that they now have to use another surname. As others have said it might just be a case of waiting until she's 16 and seeing how strongly she feels about it then and if it's something she'd like to pursue. In the meantime I know it's not the same but could you just use both surnames informally within your family?

It's commonly agreed, I know people who've done it. Be a shame for your XH to be enough of a twat to force the issue, but it would be his fault were it to come to that.

Don't be daft.

@FestiveGoat

I would go for it. Your daughter is part of both families and if it matters to you and her that your family name is represented in hers, there is a simple way to make that happen.

Women are conditioned by patriarchal social norms to change their name to the husband’s and give that to their kids - it’s a hangover from when women could not exist as independent entities.

You have made a brave and difficult step in becoming single, and it’s absolutely fine to change your mind about some of the social pressure you succumbed to previously.

Ignore those saying you’ve influenced her - they are missing the key word ‘unduly’. You have discussed it, she wants to do it and if she’s anything like mine at 8, she knows her own mind.

Anything any of us can do to destroy all remnants of a society where women are possessions is a good thing. I hope you also talk to her about why this tradition is a shit one.

Oh come on. Firmly established? She’s 8. The most she has is a passport, library card and it’s on her medical & school registration.

All of those can be changed with a simple form.

How often will she be called by her full name in school? Her current teacher might forget the new version but when she moves school year, the new teacher will only know her as ‘Smith Jones’.

Kids hardly go around calling each other by their full name much, do they? And she can correct them until they remember.

If it is ‘too late’ at 8, why is it absolutely fine at marriage age when you’ve had 20 odd more years of certificates, driving licence, IDs, P45s etc?

Go to court, get permission, don’t lose the document. Simple.

Just do it now. I've a friend who was in the same situation and didn't change her daughter's name only for the daughter to do it herself at 16. It's much more hassle to change a surname at 16 than at 6. Also it's important for girls to grow up understanding that men's rights and wishes don't automatically trump women's.

"why is it absolutely fine at marriage age when you’ve had 20 odd more years of certificates, driving licence, IDs, P45s etc?"

It's not fine at marriage age, which is why I think women shouldn't change their surnames when they get married.

If a woman does want to change the surname she was given at birth, perhaps because it's the surname of an absent or abusive father, she can do it at 16 and doesn't have to wait until she gets married (if she gets married).

I don't think 16 is too late. You can still get your first driving licence and your post-16 qualifications all with the surname you choose.

"It's much more hassle to change a surname at 16 than at 6."

Actually it's the opposite. At 6, you need the consent of everyone with PR, and if they don't consent you have to go to court. At 16, it's the young person themselves who chooses and can easily change it by deed poll.

@DonutRings

Raises some uncomfortable questions about how we see names and identity and, yes, 'ownership'...

It's extremely uncomfortable. As a site dominated by women there are always lots of awful things on here that reflect how bad life for us can be but this, somehow, really underlines our value. It seems so innocuous, but it really really isn't at all.

Years ago I use to take the piss out of double-barrelled names cos it was very much a 'posh' thing, not something you'd come across on my council estate. But now? Now I get it.

If you hadn't suggested it would she have brought it up?
As for nanny and pops and their name, would that even have been on her radar? Does she even use their surname? Does she have another set of grandparents? Does she not already share their name?
Can pretty much guarantee most kids won't even register GP surname they'll be nanny Carol and Grandad Jim.

That’s your kids. Everyone I know with a double-barrelled name, myself included, use the last part for daily life. Of course you need the full name when booking a holiday - it has to match your passport! It comes under the definition of official paperwork.

Do you seriously give your full name when you drop your dry cleaning off or to book a restaurant?

My experience is that most people lose their shit when you use both names - they need smith and jones spelt out for them and sometimes even ask if that’s one person or two.

Maybe it makes a difference if you have a blended name from from both parents as it’s more of a statement than if you inherit a DB name from one parent.

Everyone i know with a double barrel uses both

Posh double barrel names don’t come from both parents though. They are still only Dad’s name.

What, by talking to her about it? How else should she have approached it?

She's 8 years old @Caerulea - it shouldn't even be a discussion at this point, especially as her dad is still in her life and sees her on a regular basis. The fact that OP wishes she'd given her a different name or is regretting her marriage is totally irrelevant.

I did not know that!! How bloody miserable.

We just need to burn all this shit down

OP said nothing about regretting her marriage & 8ys old is not too young to introduce basic knowledge about (and I'm loathe to use this term cos I hate it) the patriarchy in a round-about way.

I asked ExH to change DD’s name when we divorced. His solicitor advised that court wouldn’t grant it so I didn’t pursue it.

i cannot stand ExH for reasons unrelated to him being DD’s father. I avoid using her surname as much as possible as it is a reminder of him.

I don’t see how else I could have broached the subject with DD. I obviously had to discuss it with her before I took any action. Surely it doesn’t matter how she formed her opinion on it? She wants to include my surname, that’s what matters at this point?