To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

[cannotDrive]

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

I suspect they want you to learn to make their lives easier. Even if you put yourself through all that and somehow managed to pass would you ever confidently drive anywhere by yourself? It doesn't sound like it so what's the point.

If DH couldn't drive could you manage life without a driving parent? If yes, no need to drive.

I think I manage fine. I do wish I could drive but I can’t. That’s the only reason I tried so hard again aged 30 as I didn’t want to have just given up but it was worse ! For some reason I just couldn’t coordinate any of the things I needed to do

Driving is seen as this basic life skill and it so isn't! I learned late on as lived in London so no need to drive, was 35 when I passed and had never had lessons, and it felt insane that people are allowed to drive these huge dangerous machines around. Its definitely not something everyone can do or should do and you've recognised its not for you, your family do just want to make their lives easier. My husband doesnt want to learn for various reasons and that's fine, I'll ferry him and our kiddo about or he can use public transport when I can't. Don't do anymore lessons if they make you feel that way.

Just to add I also had a wobble and tried to slow down but my instructor recognised the jitters and pushed on and it did click, and now 7 months later is like clockwork just changing gears and balancing the clutch etc, but I remember approaching roundabouts and the steps needed to come down in speed, fears, look for a gap, change lanes etc just felt so insurmountable at the time, they felt like a hundred things to do before I could even think, was scary!

I just had this urge to grip the steering wheel and only look forward it was like my brain couldn’t do anything else ?? I thought it would get easier but it just got worse. I must be really stupid too as took 3 attempts to pass the theory test and when l did pass it was only just

I’ve always had huge anxiety around driving and only now in my forties started, I’ve got to a point where I think ‘fuck it’ faced my fears and done it. People who aren’t anxious about it will never get it! Is there a driving track sort of place you could learn the actual driving part without going on the roads until you feel more comfortable? For me it’s the other drivers that are scary!

Is there somewhere near you where you can go for (proper, with an instructor) lessons where there's no other cars?
Supermarket car park when the shop is shut, that kind of thing, and just have a go at controlling the car. Not having to worry about traffic and road rules and things, just getting to grips with starting and stopping and steering, and see how you go?

Dh says ‘but don’t you want a nice car??’ And ‘you could drive to work !’ (But I love sitting on the train with a coffee it’s like decompression time not the boring awful commute he thinks it is)

If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier

Woah. He wants you to drive so you can look after his parents instead of him doing it?

Give up if you want. Driving isn't for everyone.

I failed my test 3 times when I was 18 and then took a 10 year gap. I found that having a lesson a day intensively (3 weeks in my case) made all the difference (I did that and passed on first attempt). When you're just having one or two a week enough time has passed that all the anxiety comes back and you've no muscle memory built up. If you do a short lesson every day your confidence will increase much sooner.

Yes they always ask for favours and he says it’s all down to him. They are his parents though ??!

Yeah just want to add, it’s ok if you don’t want to do it and I totally get it

Yes they always ask for favours and he says it’s all down to him. They are his parents though??!

Yes.

Driving isn't for everyone OP.

If it's upsetting you this much then it's not worth it.

I has a friend take the test a multitude of times, she did eventually pass. But she gave up driving approximately 5 years later. She just found it too much. She struggles with knowing left from right and was always scared

We can't all be good at every single thing

I find driving horrendously stressful and difficult but I do it because I'm a single parent and life would just be too difficult if I didn't. It took me 5 years, god knows how many lessons and how much money and i either passed 4th or 5th time. I can't remember now. But it was so hard! I do understand. They can't make you do it but at the same time you can't then expect lifts all the time (it doesn't sound like you do.)

I hate driving. Hate it. But I did it because I need to. You need to look at it as a skill. Many job applications ask if you have a licence.

You cope fine now. But what about if your DH can't drive for whatever reason - away with work, accident, medical issue? If you divorced in 5 years? What about when your kids come to you desperate to do a hobby but you have to turn them down because you can't get them there? If you change jobs and need to relocate somewhere with worse public transport? Kids get into a school that's a pita to get to on buses?

You need to start again fresh, automatic if needed. Take it slow and for as long as you need to. But consistent.

Passing a driving test without having had any lessons is pretty impressive, even at 35.

Not being able to drive is probably the only thing stopping him off-loading his responsibilities towards his parents onto you, so I think you’d be very wise not to learn for that reason alone.

I beg your pardon? You never has lessons? Did you just rock up one day at the testing centre, sat in a car for the very first time and passed your test?

Plenty of people with ASD and ADHD drive.
You might have some sort of anxiety issue holding you back. Panic attacks and avoidance are a symptom of an anxiety disorder.
I would personally see if you can find out why driving terrifies you so much.

I agree there is no point trying driving lessons again. They aren’t what you need.

You have to give yourself grace and accommodate for where you know your limits are. This is ok.

But then you're at the mercy of the British rail system. If you got a call at work that your DC are ill, or had an accident and needed an urgent pick up - with a car you can hop in and go. If you have to make your way to station, wait for next train, sit on the train when it eventually turns up, then work out public transport to the school, then have to navigate bringing a potentially vomiting child home without transport... or you have to make your DH do all of it which really isn't fair on him. You're equal parents and should be doing your share.

Yes I’m curious about that too - I am wondering if @Imisscoffee2021 meant they had private lessons with a family /friend and just not with a driving instructor?