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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

190 replies

cannotDrive · 28/11/2024 21:26

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

OP posts:
Whiskeywithwater · 29/11/2024 17:13

To be brutally honest.. as a pedestrian and also driver, I agree with you that you should just leave it and accept that you’re not a driver - as I really wouldn’t want to come across you behind the wheel of a vehicle should you somehow be forced into resuming lessons and by some fluke passing your test! Sounds like you might be a liability on the roads!

PassingStranger · 29/11/2024 17:18

User1836484645R · 28/11/2024 21:47

Passing a driving test without having had any lessons is pretty impressive, even at 35.

Show quote history

Mr Passing Stranger did that, first time no actual lessons.

Calliopespa · 29/11/2024 18:34

Whiskeywithwater · 29/11/2024 17:13

To be brutally honest.. as a pedestrian and also driver, I agree with you that you should just leave it and accept that you’re not a driver - as I really wouldn’t want to come across you behind the wheel of a vehicle should you somehow be forced into resuming lessons and by some fluke passing your test! Sounds like you might be a liability on the roads!

That’s really the issue.

Why pressure people into driving who aren’t cut out for it.?

Guest100 · 29/11/2024 22:03

DaniMontyRae · 29/11/2024 16:26

No. I was questioning another poster who took the view that given the PILs are not the OPs parents then she should not do them any favours and should leave it all to her partner. I was asking whether that view extended to any positives, like an inheritance or whether the OP and that poster would suddenly see PIL as family then. I didn't think I was unclear.

Editing to add: I've just realised you were the poster I was responding to. The one who said the partner's parents are his responsibility alone regarding care. Shame you never bothered to respond to the point of my post.

Edited
Show quote history

His parents are his responsibility to care for. OP is able to help if she wants to. OPs parents are her responsibility. Their individual inheritance belongs to the person it was left to. Women get enough extra work dumped on them without being guilted in to caring for someone else’s parents.

If you live in an area with good public transport you don’t have to drive. Getting the odd taxi is cheaper than having a car.

Photodilemmas · 29/11/2024 22:05

cannotDrive · 28/11/2024 21:26

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

I have ADHD and I'm a brilliant driver. I love driving. This sounds like anxiety, try some CBT.

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/11/2024 22:14

I'm from the US, I had a learners permit at 14.

I am beginning to think that the problem in the UK with people being unable to drive is that you have right hand drive cars.

Abiharwich · 29/11/2024 22:21

It sounds like a terrible experience for you to drive. Say 'no', it's not for everyone. I was lucky as I didn't need a car living in London, but now I can't be without it, bought myself an automatic cabriolet and that was the incentive!! Don't make yourself sick though, there's always public transport and taxis x

Catsmere · 29/11/2024 22:26

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/11/2024 22:14

I'm from the US, I had a learners permit at 14.

I am beginning to think that the problem in the UK with people being unable to drive is that you have right hand drive cars.

What's your reasoning there? I'm Australian and we also have right-hand drive, so I really don't know what you mean.

Expletive · 29/11/2024 22:31

Catsmere · 29/11/2024 22:26

What's your reasoning there? I'm Australian and we also have right-hand drive, so I really don't know what you mean.

Show quote history

I think it’s a joke.

A third of the world’s population drives on the left so if it was a significant safety hazard I think it would have been noticed before now.

Catsmere · 29/11/2024 22:33

Expletive · 29/11/2024 22:31

I think it’s a joke.

A third of the world’s population drives on the left so if it was a significant safety hazard I think it would have been noticed before now.

Edited
Show quote history

I was hoping it was a joke but curious enough to ask, in case it wasn't! 😄

bozzabollix · 01/12/2024 16:19

Blueotter22 · 28/11/2024 22:46

I put off learning to drive until i was 33, I was absolutely terrified and couldn’t understand how people do more than 1 thing at a time and not crash. I learned automatic, I remember my first lesson and the instructor was saying that I needed to check all my mirrors, then signal then manoeuvre and I was like wtf, this is actually impossible how on earth do people remember to do all of this and not die?!
I screamed when I reached 10mph. It was a shit show.
I’ve now been driving nearly 2 years, I will travel hours on the motorway, commute anywhere, sing loudly in the car, have the freedom to go where I want to when I want to. I don’t need to rely on others for lifts or to do shopping, I get to take my son to school. It’s honestly changed my life.

My top tips for lowering anxiety when driving 1) wear waterproof socks (the tight compression helps to give feedback on your foot to make you more aware of where in space it is).
2) Suck on uncle joes minty balls (other mint balls are available but not as delicious as uncle joes!). Sucking is very calming to our nervous system and helps us to process sensory information easier.
3) make sure your instructor tailors your learning to your preferred learning style. Honestly, the amount of times I would be feeling super anxious/stressed and he would reel off a load of instructions. Mate, I’m not taking in your verbal instructions - I’m prioritising my visual sense so I don’t die. I’m much more of a visual learner - draw a diagram and show me, don’t tell me!

I know you didn’t ask for tips but perhaps might help anyone else reading who is thinking of learning/ currently learning and are anxious

The amount of times I ask my learners about preferred learning styles and they haven’t got a clue what I’m on about! I wish for someone like you 😂

I’d add that instructors can take away responsibility and introduce it later when the student isn’t suffering overload. I’d rather someone gets one skill well at a time then at some point it'll all come together.

bozzabollix · 01/12/2024 16:22

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/11/2024 22:14

I'm from the US, I had a learners permit at 14.

I am beginning to think that the problem in the UK with people being unable to drive is that you have right hand drive cars.

American roads are generally larger and more quiet. And people can drive in the UK just fine, loads of my students don’t have a problem. There’s literally no difference with the vehicle being the opposite side - having driven abroad it’s the same, you just have to get used to it.

Grapewrath · 01/12/2024 17:52

I hated lessons and have never driven since I failed my test.
My friend is similar to you, her family pushed and pushed until she passed her test however she never drives and is absolutely terrified when she does, so it was pointless. Not everyone is meant to drive

LesterMin · 01/12/2024 18:58

@Icannoteven thank you for this. I haven't heard of this but this is interesting so I am going to look into it.

ThoughtfulSchooldays · 02/12/2024 07:08

Grapewrath · 01/12/2024 17:52

I hated lessons and have never driven since I failed my test.
My friend is similar to you, her family pushed and pushed until she passed her test however she never drives and is absolutely terrified when she does, so it was pointless. Not everyone is meant to drive

This is the thing I'm not sure about. So many people apparently too terrified to drive and convinced they can never be ok with it.

I'm willing to believe some people just really can't do it. But I'm not sure that's the case for a lot of these people. To actually pass a test proves you can drive! It's after the test that the confidence comes, with practice.

I'm not just speaking out my arse here - as mentioned upthread it took me years to learn. I was terrified driving on my own for the first time (drove a short v familiar route and gradually stepped it up each time). But I just kept persisting and at some point realised I was doing it without anxiety!

(I understand if the cost of lessons for years is prohibitive - that, coupled with anxiety, is why I didn't learn until my mid 30s. But to pass a test then give up is so odd!)

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