To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

[cannotDrive]

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

My mum learnt to drive with me sitting in the back singing hymns ( no clue why, not in the least religious) . She hated it.
Her purpose for learning was to be able to get to see her dad quickly. He was on his own not in good health and lived 40 minutes away by car but over an hour by bus. She passed on her second attempt, grandad died a week later, she never drove again.
Dad was fine about that but it would have been useful on occasion as she was tea total and he liked a drink so that was a slight issue. She didn't regret her decision at all but actively encouraged me to learn to drive. I found it stressful to start with but it's like anything new. You have to actively think through each manoeuvre but then you do it automatically.

I’m a driving instructor. It’s a tough process for most so I think you should have the motivation to learn. Someone else forcing you isn’t going to be enough. So I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Anxiety is very common now, I’ve experienced quite a few people with it and after a bit they love it because they’ve beaten a fear. One I have at the moment was very fearful, we did the same simple route at the start of each lesson just to ease him in. He’s now confident, but I have to use a few tricks at times to ease his fears (for example, he doesn’t learn how to tackle spiral roundabout, he learns the McDonalds drive thru, the spiral roundabout just happens to be on the route 😂). So if you do do it find someone who’s sympathetic enough to do similar things.

ASD doesn’t need to be a barrier, some of the quickest to learn that I’ve taught have had ASD because they generally retain detail.

My suggestion is you think about how happy confident driving could change your life, you see it through a fearful lens at the moment, but with an empathic instructor this could pass and you could become confident. Visualising where you could go and what you could do could give you the motivation just to give it a go.

Personally I honestly would rather lose a digit than my licence. I honestly don’t know how anyone doesn’t drive. It’s the most liberating thing you can do IMO and I know my job literally changes lives.

I technically have a full licence, but driving terrifies me. Last time I drove some stupid person drove out of there drive immediately ahead of me. I stopped without hitting them an emergency stop but it really scared me. My husband kept saying my emergency dtop was faultless and i didnt even stall. But the fear will always be there.

As long as you don't hound other people to be a taxi service for you looking at you brother then it's a non issue.

I learned to drive in London and somehow passed the test first time back in 2010. I haven't driven since apart from having a few 'confidence lessons' a few years back, followed by a 'non London Sunday morning driving by myself'.
I hate it, I feel like I will crash into someone and cause a serious accident/ death.
I manage by walking / bus / occassional taxi/ husband driving.
It feels stupid, for me it's combination of roundabouts/ narrow roads (grew uo abroad without either).
I do everything else in the house so at et least husband can have a thing only he does 🙈🤷‍♀️

I put off learning to drive until i was 33, I was absolutely terrified and couldn’t understand how people do more than 1 thing at a time and not crash. I learned automatic, I remember my first lesson and the instructor was saying that I needed to check all my mirrors, then signal then manoeuvre and I was like wtf, this is actually impossible how on earth do people remember to do all of this and not die?!
I screamed when I reached 10mph. It was a shit show.
I’ve now been driving nearly 2 years, I will travel hours on the motorway, commute anywhere, sing loudly in the car, have the freedom to go where I want to when I want to. I don’t need to rely on others for lifts or to do shopping, I get to take my son to school. It’s honestly changed my life.

My top tips for lowering anxiety when driving 1) wear waterproof socks (the tight compression helps to give feedback on your foot to make you more aware of where in space it is).
2) Suck on uncle joes minty balls (other mint balls are available but not as delicious as uncle joes!). Sucking is very calming to our nervous system and helps us to process sensory information easier.
3) make sure your instructor tailors your learning to your preferred learning style. Honestly, the amount of times I would be feeling super anxious/stressed and he would reel off a load of instructions. Mate, I’m not taking in your verbal instructions - I’m prioritising my visual sense so I don’t die. I’m much more of a visual learner - draw a diagram and show me, don’t tell me!

I know you didn’t ask for tips but perhaps might help anyone else reading who is thinking of learning/ currently learning and are anxious

I had to give up driving 6 months ago for medical reasons (hoping to get my license back soon) and I have realised how much I relied on driving. I'm now having to rely on my husband much more for ferrying the kids around which he is finding quite tiring and stressful and my life is so much more limited now. I absolutely hate it. I can't imagine not wanting to drive.

I lived in London so never had to learn. Passed 3 months ago and now drive quite scary roads regularly.

I never wanted to learn and I'm anxious every time. I'm driving as I live in the middle of nowhere and had no choice.

If you don't want to, any can get by, then don't. It's not worth the stress and even if you did pass... would you want to go out and drive?

I'm 57 don't drive, bought up 2 kids, managed a normal life without driving, and l never expect anyone to drive me anywhere. May have been been easier as l bought my kids up in London with great transport links. I now in middle of no where, but l can walk to work and get a bus to nearest town

If it causes you that much stress don’t do it. Maybe take a taxi and do half the kids appointments, then he can’t complain. His parents are his to care for.

Nervous drivers are not safe drivers, they get flustered and make mistakes or behave unpredictably; they often fail to spot hazards because their brains are already working overtime to deal with their stress. So I don't think anyone should be pressured into getting behind the wheel if they are uncomfortable doing so. Save the money that would otherwise go on insurance and maintenance, and spend it booking taxis on those occasions when the journey can't be done by foot/bike/public-transport.

@chetto I meant I'd never had lessons prior to being an older learner, typing fast with a whingey baby on my shoulder didn't proof read! Alot of people learning in mid 30s had had a few lessons when younger I've found, I had 2 hr lessons every sunday plus mkre the week befkre my test in an intense 4 month period with a driving instructor to pass😅 Motivated by a newborn and a move to a rural location.

Not everyone needs to drive

I've given up too, same reasons. Stopped about 6 years ago.

I'm not the OP but we are car-free and either grab stuff from big shop on way home from work or get online deliveries.

If you're that anxious just learning then you're probably better off not being on the roads tbf. If you live somewhere with good transport links then you might not need to.

I'm 40 and never seen a job I wanted to apply for that required a licence. My partner doesn't drive either. Everything is within walking distance of where we live except an airport, for which there is a 24 hr bus the next street over.

We walk everywhere, sometimes we get an Uber if we're in a rush but it's rare. Also have a year's public transport pass.

I dread to think how much hassle and cost a car would be. There is little to no parking in our city and it seems like people are always complaining about traffic, roadworks, deicing, MOTs, some unknown problem with their car, whether the garage has ripped them off, having to go and get petrol, etc.

I'd never live rurally or in the suburbs.

One of my five driving instructors said that not everyone can learn to drive, and they get a pretty good idea of who will pass their test and who will never pass. So actually it's not that rare to be an adult who just can't learn to drive.

I beg your pardon? You never has lessons? Did you just rock up one day at the testing centre, sat in a car for the very first time and passed your test?

My fil let dh drive on quiet public roads from the age of 12 or so. He was driving on private land long before that. By the time he was 17, he was a competent driver even without what I'd call lessons. Of our social circle, he's definitely not alone. Apparently letting your underage offspring drive your expensive cars without a licence was better than being done for drink driving in the 90s.

Would you like to drive OP? If the anxiety wasn't an issue? One of my ex colleagues swears he would never have passed his test without hypnotherapy. If you want to do, might be worth a consideration.

OMG! I could have written that original post!
I had lessons when I was about 20. Instructor was an arse and I never even finished my block booking of 5 sessions.
Mid 20s I was having lessons but we bought a house and I couldn't afford them.
Had a couple of different instructors but I would wake up crying with panic and anxiety, esp after 1 particular instructor and we got to the point where I was making myself ill just thinking about lesson. I had to stop them.
My younger sister passed with a particular instructor and I decided to have another go and it just clicked with him, he was what I needed. I passed first time when I was 37 but had been learning nearly 2 decades!!

I've now been driving 15yrs and I am hapoy to do it but dont always love it. At my previous job, buses to work was 2 connections with a wait in a tiny village and took at least 90 mins, it was a 15 min drive!

I do wish I had done it earlier, my life became much easier, but if you have great transport links I wouldn't be too worried . BTW I was never pressured into learning by DH and family.

But you can't always get to where you need to go because you said your dh has to do all the ferrying around of the kids. You've just opted out of that part of parenting.

I wonder if that approach would also apply to any inheritance? His parents, his inheritance and the OP would have no say/input? Or does it only apply to the downsides of having PILs.

I am similar except I did actually pass when I was a teenager but was never confident. I then never drove again until I tried to pick it up again in my late 20s but then stopped as I found it so stressful. In fact part of me wishes I never passed as I now have this pressure that I should be driving.

My main issue is that I have no spacial awareness when in the car. I just can't judge how close my car is to it's surroundings/whether I could fit a gap and basically felt that I was just hoping I didn't hit something. I felt like an accident waiting to happen so decided to stop

I'm a SAHM to 2 young children and get by on buses (which aren't super frequent, I live in a village). I know things would be alot easier if I drove - I'm very restricted with where I can get to and journey lengths can be long (e.g an hour to get to soft play, a 10 minute drive away) but I choose that over the stress of driving

Are you suggesting they only help the PIL to get an inheritance?

I don't drive for similar reasons. Even as a passenger I get disorientated by other vehicles passing or alongside. The world is safer if I stick with the bus and shanks' pony.

I was hugely anxious about learning to drive (started learning mid 30s) and only persisted because I wanted to so much for things I wanted to do. It took almost four years of weekly lessons. And several tests!

When I finally passed my test I was so terrified going for my first drive alone - went a route I knew well but really felt shaky and weird. Forced myself to do a little drive every few days, and step it up to a different/longer route every couple of weeks. Eventually took passengers - who were NOT allowed to talk! Kept the 'P' plates on for a whole year too.

It worked - at some point I realised I was just driving and it was fine!

(I will add I had a lovely instructor who saw me cry many times, would start the lessons easy and sort of go down a level if I was super nervous that day, would let me take 5 mins if I needed, etc.)

Issues around why OP's DH wants her to drive are a separate matter ...