To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

[cannotDrive]

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

How do you manage with kids activities, parties etc.
If you can get everywhere fine but if it’s causing other people additional work then I think look again at trying automatic.

Your own parents might need help someday, would you expect your DH to do it because he drives?

Driving is massively convenient for many reasons. However not everyone needs to drive.

Plenty of people don’t and manage fine. It depends on your field of work of course but I have never had a job require a driving licence.

I’m not sure if it’s fair to Op (or others) to have someone like her on the road when they’re clearly not wanting to drive and it’s causing them such panic and severe anxiety.

I'm 99% sure they meant they'd never had lessons until they started learning at 35. As opposed to someone, say, who started at 17 but never passed and then picked it up again in their 30s.

Ah ok - makes sense!

Re the not having lessons.
I did have lessons but only 6.
I’m not the poster who didn’t have lessons but it wasn’t totally unusual going back a few years.
I learnt to drive in the late 1980s
I learnt mainly from relatives, I never had a professional lesson till after driving quite a bit with parents.
I had the lessons to ensure I hadn’t learnt any bad habits that would cause me to fail the test.
I passed at 17 - manual.
no theory test back then.
the roads were of course much quieter.

It sounds as if you’ve got in your head about it and it’s so difficult to think clearly when you’re panicking. Hypnotherapy may help you feel calmer about driving.

I don’t think you should be pressured into driving for anyone else, but I would feel uncomfortable without my car. I know I get anywhere I need to go quickly and conveniently.

Not everyone can do everything. You have really tried. You want to do it but can’t. It’s not fair to push you like this.

If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them.
And if he was away or unwell?
I find the insistence of non drivers that they don't need lifts AT ALL a bit suspect.
So if it was torrential rain or snow and dc had an appointment, youd be absolutely fine taking public transport and not expect your husband to chauffeur you?

OP I really sympathise and I could have written a lot of what you have about myself.

I started taken lessons when I was 18 I took so many, I panicked I was angry and annoyed at myself why couldn't I get it.

I tried everything and I mean everything but the things that helped were a very very patient instructor, just slogging on even when I didn't want to, kalms and hypnotherapy!

I have been driving a while now and it has changed my life. I managed fine without too don't get me wrong like you trains and taxis etc but now it's my choice whether I drive or not.

Good luck whatever you do and whatever works for you xx

Perhaps driving just isn't for you & that's fine. It's obviously not so great for your husband but in reality the level of nervousness you describe could potentially be hazardous to other road users.

Dh works from home some days and his office is near to the dc school / nursery whereas I have a long commute so if there’s ever an issue he deals with it because he is nearer and drives.
My parents are dead so they won’t need any lifts so that’s not a consideration

YABU. It is a basic life skill for adults. It’s not easy straight away, and most people get anxious initially.
You have placed the expectation of all the essential car travel on your DH and he is asking you to share the load.

I can get to anywhere I need to by walking or public transport or taxis . I’m not even sure I’d be a safe driver if I ever managed to pass my test so I’d be worried for the safety of others. I tried for a long time I think it’s something some people just can’t do perhaps?

I'm autistic and I cannot drive. I know of autistic adults who drive but tbh they are higher functioning than me, they hold down jobs too which I cannot manage either. So it doesn't really help to know that plenty of autistic/ADHD adults can drive, if you're not one of them!

I live in London and not driving has not been an issue - I know plenty of adults who can't drive, or who have a licence but no car, because it's much easier and cheaper to use public transport here. If I made a decision not to continue learning to drive then I would only do it in a city with similar decent public transport tbh. It sounds like you can take the train but often have to use taxis to get around, and I'd hate to be stuck with the expense and hassle of taxis (I never use them because there is always a public transport option to cover my route). I can do days out, take my dcs to activities, visit any attractions I want and take trips out of town. But when we've visited other towns and smaller cities in the UK, the buses are often dire, running infrequently and unreliably and taking 3 times as long as a car journey. So if I lived somewhere like that I think I'd persevere with the lessons, or consider relocating to somewhere with good public transport. I certainly wouldn't want to always be relying on a DH to do the driving, as it would introduce a dependency in the relationship.

Since my kids became teenagers I have been so glad that me and my husband both drive. We are basically taxi drivers for our kids who are both in different sports teams, one plays an instrument, the other another sport and also want to be dropped off to see their mates. Its a different thing most nights/weekends and I'm glad we dont need to use public transport

I suppose as long as your dh wont end up picking up all of the running around from now till kids leave home and you live in a place with good transport links, then you are not being unreasonable but I'd be put out if I had to do all of the kids/family outing stuff and driving cos dh wouldnt learn to drive.

@cannotDrive how do you manage the big food shop? Online or is it something that can't be done without dh?

I have driven since the age of 17 on roads, not motorways and absolutely hate it. My hate of driving has now turned into a hate of being a passenger too. I have absolutely no sense of direction, sat navs dont help as I need to know where I am going/need landmarks etc. I can get work and home and some places close by but cant just get into the car and drive somewhere unknown. Closed roads and diversions are my nemesis. Public transport may be a nightmare but I would choose that over driving any day.

We do online shopping one bigger shop at a weekend and a smaller top up order on a Wednesday as that’s one of dh work from home days

Err not your job to put yourself through hell to make their lives earlier. Shut them down now and your husband. Tell them the topic is no longer for up for discussion. If they persist, leave the room each time they do it. Cheeky buggers. You are not here to serve his bloody parents!

My DD1 is 32...and just learning now, in an automatic.
She tried years ago and was terrified, then was in a car accident and became terrified of even being a passenger, and resigned herself to never driving and her ex did the driving.
But their marriage broke down and she works across two practices as a GP, costing her a fortune in taxis and buses.

It took time but she finally found an instructor who really understood how terrified she was, and now she is making great progress, has done her theory and has her test booked for next April. She's only planning on doing her work commute at first and getting to Morrisons for her shopping...but it's HUGE and even 2 years ago she would have said it was fine, her Ex was happy to drive.

You never know what is round the corner and it's still worth trying , at least until you've actually tried and failed so many times it is clearly impossible!

I am on waiting list for ASD assessment. I really empathise. I passed my test in my late 20s after nearly a year of lessons, god knows how tbh, & then just couldn't do it. I felt like I'd throw up just sitting in the drivers seat, & everything involved far too many actions/information processing at the same time.

I had a few refresher lessons last year, & stopped again as I just found it so stressful. Then a few months ago my toddler started refusing to stay in the pram while also refusing to walk anywhere, & I had a moment where I thought "this is more stressful than driving" (I never thought I'd think that!). I think my brain must have been subconsciously mulling over the driving for a while & my anxiety around it had subsided a bit, without me realising.

I tried again, & over 8 years after passing I am finally driving. I'm mostly doing short local trips but I've driven a few longer ones and some unfamiliar ones in the dark recently. If that's as far as I go, I'm OK with that. I'd like to feel comfortable on motorways eventually but it's not a deal breaker.

I have found I have to drive most days - a week of not driving & the fear comes back - and I only listened to one specific playlist at first while driving (I also have a showering playlist, & a playlist for studying/ concentrated tasks at work - I often use music to signal to my brain that we are in x mode now).

You’ve clearly made up your mind so why ask? 🤷‍♀️

I drove in the States for 20 years...it is easy there, but it took me a while to learn. Here, it looks like you need a PhD....so crowded, little lanes, roundabouts...no thanks. I sympathise with you OP, I really do.

It's got to be your choice and no amount of pressure from you family will make it any easier. Have you considered an instructor that has experience of teaching people with neurodiversity.

The reason I ask is i was forced to learn at 17 I struggled with the coordination etc. One lesson sticks particularly in my head, instructor was ill so sent her husband with a different car (regular car had been in an accident) I was absolutely useless couldn't cope at all that day. I asked they didn't do that again.

Years later my doctors are suggesting I'm neurodiverse. So now I get why I struggled to learn initially, it just wouldn't go in. I'm grateful my instructor aas brilliant, didn't put me in for tests too soon. I failed my 1st test, the pressure of everyone knowing was too much. Had to wait 8 weeks before booking retests in those days but was the best to happen. My instructor taught me to drive at my pace not just to pass the test but I still struggled with anxiety a lot until one day it just clicked.

You've got to do what's best for you ultimately.