To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

[cannotDrive]

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

If I was the only driver and had to take the kids to every single appointment because my DH refused to drive, I would no doubt be pissed off. I think it would be only fair that he should do half of the ferrying around for the kids though.

His parents are a different matter. I wouldn’t expect you to learn to drive just to do their chores, but if he’s helping them and your kids have parties/appointments, you will presumably need to take them on the
bus-you can’t just opt out and say it’s not your problem.

Do neither of his parents drive?

He did the night wakings as that was agreed when he wanted a family and I didn’t it was a compromise he said he would do certain things if I changed my mind

Wait, so you had children when you didn't want to, and he did?

Wtaf ...

I am in the same boat and I do wonder at what point posters would relent that someone should give up and when you accept that actually you can't drive.

I tried several instructors and had literally hundreds of hours of lessons as well as over a hundred hours of practising with family. I still could not drive in a straight line and the instructor kept needing to grab the wheel most lessons even in an automatic.

I also have ADHD and autism and driving is just really difficult. I'm an intelligent and educated person with a good job but when it comes to driving it's like my brain will not pick it up.

I have no sense of direction. Can't judge speed of oncoming traffic. Have no spatial awareness and can't tell where I am or how far away I am from things. I can't seem to take in all information like hazards, signs and what's happening on the road all at once especially when going faster than 5mph.

On things like roundabouts and changing lanes I could not look in the mirror and register what I was seeing then look back in front of me.

I strongly suspect I have dyspraxia for many reasons but an adult diagnosis costs thousands and wouldn't benefit me really so I've never bothered.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to be or what the "no such things as can't" or "you will pass eventually" posters would suggest really.

There are lots of disabilities which stop you from driving. While learning I never felt safe and was convinced I was going to kill someone. I would love to click my fingers and be able to do it but it's also very expensive to pay thousands of £ and get nowhere.

Sorry, but you had children when you didn’t want to and agreed to, only because he said he’d do certain things?!

That is 100% bizarre. I can understand this sort of ‘compromise’ over getting a guinea pig, but your own baby?!

Well it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. My reasons were that I need my sleep and wanted to keep my career as it’s like therapy for me. He wanted 3 dc in the end we compromised that we would have 2, that id go back to work and he would take time off and do the nights I went back to work when both were 12 weeks

It's not for everyone OP. Loads of ND folk myself included, don't drive...

I do however have a disabled bus pass. Could this be an option for you?

Thanks, OP - I won't say more, don't want to derail the thread.

I don't think it's your Autism or ADHD. I have both of those and I think the reason why I passed by driving test so quickly and easily is because I was so aware of everything around me all of the time.

Even now, I can see things from a mile away that my DH wouldn't notice so quickly.

It either comes naturally to people or it doesn't.

Exactly, I love my decompression journeys before and after my shifts. Some people weren't meant to drive and it's safer that they don't!

What would you do if DH died? I’m on your partners side, you need to develop some coping strategies and pull your weight.

I’m always a bit perplexed by how non drivers are treated on here.

There’s a lot of pressure about it being a fundamental life skill and selfish/lazy/ thoughtless etc if you don’t drive.

Yet in reality, the selfish, lazy and thoughtless thing is to prioritise your own convenience and risk your own and other innocent people’s safety by driving even if deep down you don’t feel comfortable controlling these machines.

I think it’s very important people are not shamed and pressured into driving when they don’t feel comfortable. Driving mistakes cost lives.

If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them.

Drive/not drive-nobody can force you to pass your test.

Taking and collecting the children places should not just fall on the person who can drive though. I would be ensuring I do half of all of those jobs as well, even if it is inconvenient to you.

What a bizarre statement.

Unless the local bus service was cancelled and uber went out of business, I think OP might have greater worries than getting from A to B if her DH died.

It may not be popular on here, but many people don't drive and manage to live their lives successfully.

I don’t agree with your last sentence. I passed on my 5th test attempt and fourth instructor (manual, though have only driven automatics for the last 20 years) and 5 years on and off of lessons. I wasn’t a natural. Didn't help that I only had my mother to practise with and she was herself a reluctant driver. My first three instructors talked too much. The fourth was a taciturn chap who, barring pleasantries at the beginning and end of lessons, didn’t say anything unless to actually instruct or direct. Have been happily driving for 37 years now.

OP, you sound very upset and I feel for you, I really do.

But I also dont' understand why driving is such a trigger for so many people. There are a million other skills we all have to master to get on with our lives, what makes driving the one that people get so worked up about and then opt out of. And women especially. I just can't help thinking somewhere along the line there's some perception about driving, for women particularly, that seeps into the subconsious of a lot of people. This might be a bit of overkill, but have you considered therapy to explore any of this?

I could have wrote your post OP 4 years ago.

I was on medication to control my driving anxiety it was so so bad. I wouldn't sleep the night before a lesson or the night after I'd had my lesson. I didn't sleep properly for a month before my test.

I got my first provisional at 17. I passed when I was 37. 20 years off and on it took me with pressure from everywhere.

I won't say it's the 'best thing I have ever done' and I won't say I enjoy it because I don't, nor do I drive very far but it has made my life a whole lot easier and I'm glad I finally did it. Incidentally, I passed with no minors! I can drive and I can drive well, I just absolutely hate it.

I'm a driver and my DP isn't, (no kids)
I grew up in the countryside village with 2 busses a day so we drove everywhere. I would sit on my dads knee and stear when i was 6 and could drive by myself from 14 (off road) so took my test as soon as I could (though a few goes to pass because of all the bad habits I picked up) my job also requires me to drive

DP grew up in a town with a rail station moved to a city for uni and stayed there so never needed or bothered to learn

... we now live central in a city with good bus/rail, both big fans of using public transport if convenient and we both cycle .. day to day i dont drive much (train to work, i aggree is relaxing) but there are a few instances I wish he could drive/we could share the drive... camping holidays, - he always offers to get the train/taxi but I don't travel light and don't want to carry everything on my back... and the big weekly food shop, he does all the cooking and likes to be the one looking round the shop/select the veg himself be inspired by things (so won't online shop) so I end up driving and pushing the trolly for hours just following him, wishing i could be at home doing some diy, I did love lockdown when I was just clicking and collecting all done in 10 min

*I'm dyslexic so sorry about any bad spelling

Driving is NOT a basic adult life skill.
Basic adult life skills are things like being literate, being able to communicate, being able to feed and dress yourself.

But everyone with those conditions is different aren’t they? I struggle with driving because I’m very distractible and have quite extreme object permanence issues (so am terrible with directions and panic when I get lost, which I manage to do regularly even with a sat nav).

Generally if someone wants to learn to drive, they will do. Necessity trumps fear. It sounds like you are able to get through life without driving, therefore there is no actual need to overcome your fear of it.

You probably could overcome your fear if you really wanted to. Normally overcoming fear is a positive thing but you don't have to do it.

Look at how many idiots there are driving on the roads. That should give you comfort that you could do it if you wanted to. Maybe it's that they are too stupid to realise they are not good drivers, but you don't have that problem, and if you know you're not very good at it you can practice at learning the skill if you want to.

Think very hard about what it is that makes you anxious. If you understand what causes you to fear driving you might be able to overcome it.

This might sound ridiculous, but consider getting a driving simulator set up. Get a computer, monitor, chair, wheel, pedals, gear lever, as much as you can afford. There are dedicated "games" for learners (eg here) but even a racing game can help with the basics if you choose a basic car. (Forza Horizon 4 is a good example - set in UK so driving on the left, with AI traffic (mostly) following the rules of the road, with plenty of bog-standard vehicles to drive in addition to high performance racing cars.)

Clearly this can cost a bit of money if you don't have the kit, but then again driving lessons cost a fortune too. If you can practice in the virtual world where there is no risk of crashing you can get used to the sensation of driving and the basics of following the rules of the road. If you can get comfortable with feeling you are a capable driver on a simulator, it can help take some of the stress out of driving in the real world.

he does all the cooking and likes to be the one looking round the shop/select the veg himself be inspired by things (so won't online shop) so I end up driving and pushing the trolly for hours just following him, wishing i could be at home doing some diy

That would be a firm ‘no’ from me. If he wants to ‘be inspired by things’ when he’s shopping, this shouldn’t involve you being a chauffeur for him. That’s a selfish imposition on your time.

Some people simply cannot learn to be a safe driver.

I have inattentive ADHD. I’ve spent thousands learning to drive over the years and failed my test 6 times. I simply cannot concentrate for the duration of a test or make safe decisions in driving situations. Yes, it makes my life harder and the lives of my family harder but the fact is that I will never be safe enough to be on the roads.

I read a book recently by a psychiatrist who claims that people with ADHD drive as if they are drunk and are significantly more likely to get into accidents, especially serious accidents, even if they take medication (I can’t due to a cardiac issue).

It should be easier to claim PIP for this sort of thing!

In response to Triffid1

Because driving a car can easily kill others, whereas other activities don’t tend to?

I am not an anxious person in general, but I have a massive fear of driving. I was in a serious accident as a child, I’ve seen first hand what can happen, and I would absolutely not be safe on the road. I have vision problems too now but that’s another story.

People should be kinder to non drivers. There are also many medical conditions that can appear meaning that drivers suddenly are no longer able to drive.

Driving - safely - is not a basic skill.

Lots of people hire cleaners to clean and do other very basic things and that is accepted but it’s not acceptable not drive and to pay for public transport or taxis instead, when driving can be very complicated for some, and even kill?

You should get tested for binocular visual dis function. I have a type called convergence insufficiency. There is a strong overlap with ADHD, it causes the issues you have described with judging distances/speeds and depth perception and it isn’t tested for in a standard eye test unless you specifically raise it with an optician (you may have to attend an eye hospital if it is picked up).