To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

[cannotDrive]

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

Yes, I do agree with this.

Hell no to chauffeuring the in-laws, but it rather comes across that you are not pulling your weight because of your diagnosis. You can still do that without driving.

This sounds familiar. I couldn’t park either literally could not judge distances, couldn’t work anything out, was looking in all the wrong places it was just terrible ! I also struggled with speeds and was unable to judge it and slow down to turn at the right time etc

The only problem is 'if my kids need a lift DH takes them' which sounds really hard on him. So you need to make sure you take on at least some of that responsibility in however makes sense logistically.

I live in a city and plenty of my friends don't drive but it's not like their partners then drive twice as often - they still take on half the responsibility via public transport etc.

I think you've given it a good go. As long as you don't have to rely on anyone to get you or your kids anywhere, then it's OK. The worst is when non drivers expect everyone else to ferry them about, do the shopping, appointments, etc. So as long as you can spend the rest of your life prepared to take public transport or cabs, then fine.

I can drive, but rarely need or choose to.

You're from London, you have no idea how essential driving is for many. I grew up in Scotland, not even a particularly remote part. Everyone in the area learns to drive because without that life skill their options for employment or further education are very limited, and they'll forever be heavily reliant on others for transport, including to medical appointments for anything a GP can't attend to. Imagine not being able to take your child to a hospital appointment because public transport can't get you there, and taxis cost too much.
Where I live now public transport options are much better, but even so most people have cars because it's still not enough.
I think London may be one of the only places in the UK that having a car isn't really necessary.

Not driving is fine if located in an area (usually city or small but well-connected town) where you can meet your needs without relying on other people.

What would happen if your DH could suddenly no longer drive? Can life carry on as normal?

I have noticed a dynamic in driver/ non-driver partnerships where the driver gets fed-up, moans about driving and the cycle of anxiety for the non-driver gets worse because the default driver presents it as difficult/ inconvenient which is hardly reassuring when anxiety is a major part of the non-driver not driving.

I have a relative who had hypnotherapy to deal with a phobia. It wasn't driving itself that was the trigger, but they were concerned that if the phobia triggered while driving, it would have been catastrophic. The phobia was calmed to a rational level of dislike of the trigger.

There are instructors who are better at training sensitive drivers, and rapport does matter.

My DH is not a natural driver and eventually learned to drive after a family emergency when it became obvious things would have worked out better had he been able to drive.
He had lessons but what really helped was finding an industrial estate that was deserted at weekends. We went every weekend and practiced what he had done in his lesson plus all the basics over and over without the pressure of other drivers. Eventually it all fell into place and he passed his test 2nd time. He is now useful in an emergency but he will avoid any unnecessary driving!

I really respect you for your sense around this @Icannoteven .

I know a number of people who are really condemnatory of people who don’t drive. I have to bite my tongue not to say the truth is the world would be better off ( and safer) if they didn’t. They are ADHD as it happens, ( though I hadn’t made the connection) but drive appallingly ( once one of them was ranting about non drivers as she drove and nearly had a collision even as she was ranting. Even she saw the irony!)

I know, I live in rural Scotland now that's why I learned to drive :) I'm not from London though, from the north east but lived there from uni age. Driving is really essential for some and very handy for others but ops experience is very intense and specific one so I wasn't saying noone should have to drive, just that if she's finding it this hard and is managing with transport and some help from drivers in her life that might be the best way for her.

Most definitely this!

OP not everyone is suitable for everything. You have tried, repeatedly. But this is not a skill you actually need. You like travel by train, supermarkets deliver these days, and you don’t live in the a**end of nowhere.

relax, drink your coffee, and do t worry about it

Just out of curiosity, how would life be if your OH suddenly couldn't drive or if he died or left you? Would you and your children be able to have a "normal" life without access to a car?

I suppose that depends entirely on where you work, where you shop, where your kids' schools are, how often and comprehensive your public transport options are.

For lots of people, especially in London and other big cities, public transport is good and there are often lots of "walkable" amenities, so a car isn't really essential. However, in smaller cities, towns and villages, public transport is often poor, and there can often be few, if any, amenities such as shops, workplaces, entertainment, within walking distance.

So whether or not you're unreasonable really depends on your lifestyle and how dependant you are on your OH for doing the driving.

My MIL never learned to drive and was utterly reliant on FIL to ferry her around for shopping, entertainment, days out, part time work, etc., and she was utterly stuffed when he died unexpectedly and she ended up basically trapped in her home except for using taxis for essential trips. She spent years bemoaning that she never bothered learning to drive and bitterly regretted it.

I struggled to learn. I tried 3 times and spent a fortune on lessons.
The last time I’d been made redundant and I got another job but the commute was horrendous by public transport. So we actually bought me a car and I tried again, also went out with DH a lot.
I’ve since had other jobs I couldn’t have had without a car.
Then DH was very unwell and wasn’t allowed to drive for a year, honestly, if I hadn’t passed I would have been screwed.
I love it now, I do lots with older teen I wouldn’t have otherwise and I’m sad about all the places we didn’t go when she was small in the summer because we were just reliant on DH for so many trips.
I think if you can find some way, it can be great. Even if you don’t then get your own car the option is there.

Would love to know when PP done that because for at least the past 20 years there’s a very specific way taught to pass your test. It’s not like every day driving at all so it can’t have been recently, there’s no way you can wing it.

I learned to drive in the late 1980s. I lived in remote countryside (DH drove me to the nearest town for my lessons) and at that time I saw a statistic that 65% of women in rural areas didn't drive. I don't know if that was true but it gave me an incentive to do it. But it can be really tough.

I thought we accepted ASD/ADHD as disabilities now? I don’t know anyone with these who can’t drive but I can well believe that for some it affects their ability to drive. As would severe anxiety or depression. We would not expect someone with certain physical disabilities to drive, so why are some saying that OP ‘doesn’t want to’ drive rather than ‘can’t’.

Driving is important to me and my husband. And it was a priority for us to get the kids to learn before they went to uni. They don’t need to drive but it’s an easier skill to acquire possibly when younger.

But I completely understand that some people can’t drive. And that’s ok. The OP has really tried anyway.

No one HAS to learn. But you have to accept that, unless you live in London, you will have some disadvantages that may be more severe at some points in your life and in certain situations. I would encourage you to think ahead to such scenarios and not just focus on the here and now. My DM gave up trying in her 30s. Now she massive regrets it, because my DDad can no longer drive other than short distances. It has affected their ability to access hospital appointments and deal with health emergencies. Ambulances nowadays are very unreliable due to funding cuts. I'm sure she wouldn't have foreseen my DDad health issues or the problems with NHS funding 30ish years ago

Everyone gets to a point that their driving affects their ability to get about, even if they have a licence. I know lots of elderly friends of my parents who no longer feel comfortable driving. So advising to do it for old age isn’t necessarily good advice.

Some people can’t drive, some people won’t drive-whatever.

As long as are they aren’t expecting their driving partner to do all of the shared chores that involve ‘travelling out of the house’, then that’s fine.

It shouldn’t be down to the driver to have to do all of the taking and collecting kids to the shops/parties/doctor/dentist/optician/orthodontist/cubs/karate/ballet etc etc just because they drive.

I do think that an automatic car and satnav will make it easier for me to continue use driving to a later point than if I had a manual car and no satnav. To say don’t bother learning to drive because you’ll get toapoint you won’t be able to any way is not good advice.

When my mother became frail and needed additional support to continue living at home, my being able to drive was an absolute boon. And when she could no longer live at home we were not restricted in our choice of home to the one we could reach by public transport.

Yes @KimberleyClark that's what I'm getting at. The fewer people in the family unit that drive, the less resilience there is. My parents are not necessarily frail but my Ddad has developed a specific condition that affects long distance driving. And so they have to rely on local buses which are dreadful (but they love because they're free! ). If the shit hits the fan- so emergencies etc - my siblings who are local to them can't drive. I live several hours away so can help sometimes. Or there are other family members who they don't like to ask because it makes them feel they're being a burden.

Have you tried automatic? Honestly though if not driving doesn't have a negative impact on your life then don't bother!

But your expectation is for your DH to do 100% of ferrying around the children. 100% of pick ups and drop offs and presumably when you get that call saying one is ill he does 100% of those too.
You expect him to do all of the midweek shops too.
It sounds like his family life is full on and most couples work together. You are saying you ‘can’t’ drive whilst he is asking you for help as he is struggling.

That’s not what I said actually. I said appointments so that’s dental / optician / gp etc which isn’t that often at all. For play dates and parties I often take the bus with them. When we were negotiating prior to dc I was concerned my issues may be passed on and he said whatever medical appts there ever were he would take that responsibility on. Luckily they seem fine but still have the above appts. The rest we share

If dc are ill then yes he gets them as he’s much much nearer

No. I was questioning another poster who took the view that given the PILs are not the OPs parents then she should not do them any favours and should leave it all to her partner. I was asking whether that view extended to any positives, like an inheritance or whether the OP and that poster would suddenly see PIL as family then. I didn't think I was unclear.

Editing to add: I've just realised you were the poster I was responding to. The one who said the partner's parents are his responsibility alone regarding care. Shame you never bothered to respond to the point of my post.