To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

[cannotDrive]

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I’m also autistic and starter learning at 17 on the insistence of my parents. I hated it, used to cry, was terrified I’d kill someone etc. and failed my test 3 times between 17 & 18. I gave up at 18. Restarted when I got my first job at 22 and, after a series of intensive lessons, passed straight away. But I totally get where you’re coming from. I have a friend who is a driving instructor specialising in people with disabilities, including autism. Could you, if you wanted to try again, look to find someone near you who offers the same?

But how many bags can you fit in your boot during a driving lesson? That's the real question.

I learnt to drive 7yrs ago , thought I would love it , and I did while the driving instructor was in the car , passed my test 1st time, no faults , the mintue I was in my car and completely responsible I fell to bits , hated every minute and it never got better , now I do everything in my power not to drive .last time I drove was Christmas night last year .
Driving isn't for everyone

I don't think you need to learn to drive, but you do need to recognise that it's a big burden on your DH being the only person who can drive the kids around. And he did all the night wakings and does most of the cooking too? I hope you're pulling your weight in other ways? I think non drivers can definitely underestimate what a pain it is to always be the one who has to drive.

I learned to drive at 33. But I did it because I wanted to. I disliked every minute of learning and I'm still not a confident driver now on new or busy routes. If I lived in a place where public transport or taxis could cover my needs (including the odd child emergency or weekly club), I'd happily never drive again.

When I learned, my husband and I agreed that I would only drive to places I felt confident about so, and I'd commute by car if I was got a job somewhere I was happy to drive to. He would still do all the driving when we're together and provide lifts to places I wasn't happy to drive in. Even though my husband is very understanding, I've still had to push back sometimes when he suggests sharing driving or pushes me to take DS somewhere I'm not comfortable driving to on my day off. It's an insidious creep even for people who like driving and are happy to do most of it.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster with your husband already putting so much pressure on you before you've even learned to drive.

Well, yes! We never had a car until 2020 or so. Eventually we got one but I don't think I've ever asked DP for a lift. There's no need - I go everywhere on my bike and we live in London so there's loads of public transport. It would be different if we lived somewhere more rural.

Yanbu at all.
I think you need to be blunt " I am never going to try again. I hate the lessons and the impact on my mental health. I am allowed to be different to you. Not driving is not a character defect or because I haven't tried hard enough".
My dh was like this about feckin sailing. I get terrible sea sickness/motion sickness. Deep down he seemed to think I was somehow making it up. Only when I said something similar to above did he stop. I literally said I am never going on a boat again.

You're both unreasonable. You for not understanding that it's your choice not to drive, but there is no "can't" - that's just something you're telling yourself

He's being massively unreasonable because he wants you to drive so you can be a skivvy for his parents

Fuck that.

Get help for your mental health issues and leave the driving for now.

I am the same, or at least, similar. I did get my driving license when I was 19 but I have anxiety and prone to a lot of shaking when I am nervous, I my brain completely blocks when in a stressful situation. First time I took the car by myself was really stressful, I couln't drive again after that. My DH says the same, that of course I can. NO, I CAN'T!.

It is not a problem at the moment, we actually haven't got a car as it wouldn't be worth it, even though my DH can drive. We both work in Central London, so we have to go by public transport, we do online shopping mostly and we have plenty of aupermarkets within walking diatance, our DD's school is 15 minutes walking...so we are not bothered. If we really want/need to go somewhere by car, we can take an uber or taxi, we have saved plenty of money from not having a car!

If it is a problem or not would depend on where you live, work and life in general.

I do most of the cooking it’s just simple meals or sandwiches for me and the dc. Dh often eats at work on office days or cooks for himself when back late

I feel exactly the same. I won't be a safe driver, which only contributes more to the stress of the thought of driving.

From your timeline it looks like you weren't a driver of attempting to be one when you met your DH.

I agree driving is a useful skill, but I really don't think its be all to end all life skill that some people are saying. I don't like driving particularly but I do enjoy the freedom to get around that it affords me. It's a bit like skiing though - if I hadn't learned when young, it's not something I would relish learning as an middle aged adult.

Driving lessons are expensive- £60 for 90 minutes here, insurance for a nee driver is exorbitant and the costs of running even a cheap car are minimum £1000 each year. That would pay for a lot of taxis for the ILs, or alternatively check with Help the Aged as many areas offer a cost only lift service to hospital appointments, run by volunteers. That would help your ILs to retain some independence and reduce the burden on DH.

I have read the thread (most of it) and the one thing that jumps out at me from your posts @cannotDrive is how you can manage to get around using taxis and public transport but the things your DH has to step up to do - bring kids/parents to appointments etc needs to be done using the car.

He's looking for your help in sharing that load - can you? If it's something that you can manage but by using taxis or public transport to get the kids to appointments or whatever, then that is your answer - everyone uses public transport when Mum is bringing us to X or Y but if it's Dad doing the transport, we get in the car.

If you can't use public transport and if taxis turn out too expensive (which is another factor here), I would try to find a driving school that can teach you how to be in control of a car safely. Not every driving school is going to work and going to be able to teach you and give you the confidence to get behind the wheel. For my two kids (one has passed their test, the other is still learning) we found a driving school that had private grounds so that they were able to learn the control of the car and stopping/starting/reversing/dealing with roundabouts before ever leaving the grounds and dealing with the rest of the driving world. Perhaps something like that to help you build your confidence would be a good place to start? Also, there are big L-plates on cars and everyone, every driver, had to start somewhere. I also think that you will also have to change your mindset from "I can't do it" to "I can do it but it's going to take time". This is just my take on what I've read so far but I don't think I'd be throwing in the towel quite yet.

If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them.

That is irritating to be the only driver-everything just fall to him. Does he drive you to appointments as well? What about going on holiday? Getting food shopping?

If you are going to point blank refuse to drive, how else can you help with the lifts? Try sharing the load with taking the kids to appointments/parties, doing other jobs on public transport 50/50, then it’s not always chore that have to fall on him.

Our kids are older and need taking collecting from places at really inconvenient times-it’s so unfair to expect one person to always be the one to have to do all that.

It doesn't rain on a bus, though, does it?
Of course, it is perfectly possible to never need lifts and to take your children out in a snow. We didn't have a car in a family, I grew up in a country where it rains for most of the year and snows for at least 4 months with temperatures of -30. And most people are able to go about their business with some waterproofs, an umbrella and warm clothes.
Even my 87-year-old grandmother can do what she needs to do in the middle of winter without needing a lift. The only time she gets in a car is when she is visiting my aunt who lives on a farm 50 miles away. But even travelling there can be accomplished by catching a bus and a regional train which is what everyone else in the family does.

I absolutely hate driving. Really hate it and will do anything I can to avoid it. So I would never tell someone else they must learn to drive.
Your DH can sort out his own parents, that's not your job.
I have a friend who is 40. She's never shown any interest in learning to drive (her DH does). She manages to work, do school runs, take the kids to activities. She walks or uses the bus.
Not everyone has to drive.

This part about feeling faint in the heat and feeling sick could be low blood pressure - have you asked your GP for a 24 hour blood pressure monitor and then trying to do things like cook a roast dinner.

I really don't want to come across disrespectful of your situation here but could your DH be thinking that you don't do any of the heavy lifting in the relationship - you don't drive, you cook simple meals, you make sandwiches instead of a hot meal and he might be getting frustrated by it so wants to get you to try to learn to drive again?

I am a reluctant driver. I do have a license (multiple, learnt how to drive in 3 countries and have licenses from 2 of them) although its automatic.

I drive very rarely, I prefer to walk to work for the exercise. If I go further away I prefer to take a bus or tram, I love the downtime on a bus.

Running a car is also expensive, do the calculations on how much a person is spending on a car plus insurance, petrol vs bus tickets and an occasional taxi.

I am happy that I can drive when I need to.

Being a nervous driver, when I first started driving I just stuck to a few familier routes - kids school, supermarket etc. I slowly gained confidence and eventually started motorway driving.

I'm in two minds here: on the one hand, I don't want terrified panicky drivers on the road. I saw some Reels yesterday with people saying "normalise driving anxiety" and examples of them freezing up and panicking during normal road conditions, which is fucking terrifying - if you're not comfortable on the road, it makes you a risk. So in that sense you're right - you shouldn't drive if you're having panic attacks because it's not safe.

On the other, if you really want to drive - try hypnotherapy or getting a driving instructor who's used to very nervous learners (there are lots) or something. Having ASD and ADHD isn't the 'cause' of you not being able to drive, and anxiety about driving can be overcome. In all likeliehood you're perfectly capable of it, you've just built it up to be huge in your head now - so if you really want to do it, there are definitely things you can try.

I agree with poster above, I think IF you decide YOU want to overcome this, hypnotherapy would be your first step, then if that goes well, find an instructor who specialises in nervous learners.

Come on now! 😆 I’m sure no-one was deliberately misinterpreting anything. Well I wasn’t anyway. Why assume the worst? Lol

I had one understanding of it (that they’d taken private lessons from family) others had another take on it and then @Theoldqueen explained their understanding and I thanked them. I see the poster has now clarified and @Theoldqueen was correct! Simple. No dramas!

Why for a week? One can do shopping more often than once a week. It's not a requirement. I probably go shopping twice a week and my partner also does a couple of times.
I make a big pot of stew which lasts us two dinners and that isn't even half of my shopping. The other half would be breakfast for everyone and lunch for me which is enough for a week. Others are not at home during lunch so I don't need to worry about that.
There is no food to throw away and we always know what we have. We can pop out to do a shop at any time on our way back from work or from the gym. If you are dead set on doing one big shop for a week, there are wheelie shopping trolleys which you can use. My mum (who is not yet a pensioner) is a non-driver and she has a fancy trolley for her weekly Saturday market visit.

I sympathise, OP. I didn't learn to drive until my late 50s. Never needed to before, I lived in Melbourne, which was very well provided with public transport - trains, trams and buses - and by all accounts a nightmare to drive in. Only learned when I lived in country Queensland for a couple of years, where there was no public transport at all and you couldn't even walk off the property I was on - no footpaths! I was nervous as hell (not at all the level of anxiety you're describing) and took over a year to be ready for my tests. The theory was okay and I just squeaked through the practical (main problem was I was so worried about speeding, an instant fail, that I was driving too slowly). Much to my surprise, I enjoy driving now, an idea I'd have scoffed at a few years ago. But if you live where there's reliable PT, then no, it's not an essential life skill. I know plenty of people who manage just fine on this city's less-than-brilliant bus service.

It’s relevant that it doesn’t sound as if you married him claiming you were on your way to passing the test or you had a licence already ( I’ve read threads where people have lied!) he may be finding it inconvenient now especially due to his parents needing more help, but that’s still no reason to put excessive pressure on you when he knew you were an non-driver from the outset. And he knows your extreme anxiety around it I assume?

A lot of people are assuming he’s also annoyed tired of taking the kids to all the appointments. Is that the case @cannotDrive ? Or is it solely the in laws issue he has raised?

I do wish I had done it earlier, my life became much easier, but if you have great transport links I wouldn't be too worried . BTW I was never pressured into learning by DH and family.

I think this is key. Many people do overcome anxiety and learn to drive, but I think for everyone I’ve seen achieve this they’ve been driven by an inner motivation rather than any external pressure. This kind of external pressure from your husband is unlikely to help you get over your fears.

In fairness, this was also my take on it.

OP's DH did all the night waking for what sounds like quite a flimsy excuse (sorry), you only do sandwiches or basic meals - any proper cooking is done by DH, and DH also has to ferry the DC around to any appointments they need, plus fit in a top up shop midweek. And then he has his parents he's trying to support too.

It sounds as if your DH is really supportive OP, and while I get that you don't feel there's a need to drive at the moment, that's because he's doing it all.

I'm also autistic and have ADHD. I fucking hated driving. Had absolutely no interest in learning - until I had to because of personal circumstances.

Rather than lessons once a week, I bought my own car and my dad took me out to deserted car parks so I could just drive around. Constantly. Oh, and it was an automatic - absolutely no way could i cope with changing gear!!!

I don't think I'd ever have learnt on a regular driving schedule - I needed to be completely immersed in it, taken out nearly every night so I didn't lose the feel and built my confidence.

What did you try when you were 30 - was that an automatic again?

From a neurodivergent perspective, there's a lot to learn when driving. And you're constantly being bombarded with sensory input - there are lots of thoughts in your head! When you're starting out, it just feels too much - I get that feeling entirely. But gradually, gradually, things become more natural so that you don't have to think about it quite as hard.

Also, I know many people won't think like this but I've had to get my child to the hospital as an emergency - quite literally a life or death situation. Current ambulance times are horrendous - he wouldn't be with us if we'd waited. I like to have a car outside because if something happens, I can get my child to help. Both my DC are SEN and DS has high needs, so being able to drive was quite literally a life-saver. I wouldn't be without it.

I think you need to consider if you're being fair to your DH. My thoughts are that it would be reasonable to try again but slowly, slowly and with someone who has plenty of patience to take it at your pace.