To refuse to do any more driving lessons ?

[cannotDrive]

Immense pressure from DH and family to try to get my licence. I simply can’t.

I had lessons when I was 18 (manual) I couldn’t do it at all. Changed instructors and still couldn’t do it. Tried automatic and still
the same. I started to get panic attacks and had to stop lessons at 22.
I tried again aged 30 and it was the same. I managed to pass my theory test after 3 attempts . The whole thing caused me so much stress and I just couldn’t do it at all. Made no progress and cried before lessons during lessons and had shaking attacks after that lasted hours. I have ASD and ADHD so i think this is why I simply can’t drive.

I manage by getting taxis or walking. If one of the dc has an appointment then dh drives them. If MIL or FIL need help then Dh does it and he has asked me to try again because it would make his life easier and said I should try as there’s no reason why I can’t. But I really can’t ! Plus I don’t want to have that much stress again. AIBU to not put myself through driving lessons ever again ?

You feel under immense stress because of your ASD/ADHD. Then you have to think about your job, child, husband, inlaws all in one day. Somebody to take you out driving on a quiet part of the week on a regular basis would be hugely supportive. All your other stresses for that day need to be delegated out. And anyone who tries to throw you another task needs it handed back to them on that day so that you can decompress in the evening.

If you really feel that it's not for you, then there's no shame in not driving. But ... but ... how many lessons have you had in total? Sometimes it can take a lot, and I mean a LOT. I'm not even going to admit in public how many I had.

It isn’t for everyone. Don’t persevere just because your husband wants you to. It isn’t compulsory!

Plenty of us don’t drive and get by in life quite fine. People that rely on cars for decades find it baffling but those of us that never drove are so used to navigating public transport it’s not even an issue. We live on the outskirts of a city. Plenty transport links and lots of walking i save a hell of a lot of money not driving.

I was going to learn late ( pressure maybe?) and then covid hit, then i developed anxiety. Even as a passenger i’m so nervous so no not for me now. I’m happy with that decision. I’d be unsafe without the confidence and right concentration.

Might seem like an odd question, but do you do other stuff??

Work? Take care of the kids, cook?

If it's just driving that you can't do than that's fine. You're not a fucking superhero, and they need to leave you be

I have severe anxiety around driving and simply can't do it safely due to being so overstimulated and overwhelmed.

My DH understands this and we choose to live in places with good public transport or Uber etc.

Honestly, I would just stand your ground. It is okay not to drive. Especially if it causes you so much distress. I'm sure you make his life easier in other ways.

Honestly it's probably just too overwhelming for you and sending you into meltdown , which as you said would make you an unsafe driver. I've vertigo so I'm not medically safe to drive so yes poor dh has to do the driving but that's just the way it is sometimes.

Try hypnosis to help the anxiety

I think you need to make an effort to try and help. If you can't do it after hypnosis or medication for anxiety then perhaps you need to get a bike with panniers so you can do a bit more without a car.

Thankyou I wish my driving instructors in the past had been as understanding as you ! Mine just seemed irritated by me

Yes I work and look after the dc. Although when they were both babies I didn’t do the night feeds as if I don’t get all my sleep I get really unwell. Cooking is a bit of a problem for me , not sure if it is poor executive functioning or autism related or I’m just rubbish at it but I’ve had a lot of accidents and hurt myself needing hospital in the past ( burns , cuts etc,) plus when I get too hot of the kitchen is hot I literally feel sick then faint so it’s not that safe (the gp says it’s just stress related but I feel like it’s some kind of odd reaction to getting hot stressed and standing up for too long?) so what I do is just very very simple meals or sandwiches . If it’s anything more than that eg roast then dh does that

Another thing to take into consideration- and I know it's really hard learning, and for some more than others- is when parents get elderly if that's applicable. I'm the only one out of my siblings who drives, and only one of my parents do. Having to get back to support them with various things, when locally based siblings can't drive- is a nightmare

When I was doing lessons once or twice weekly it became the focus point of everything I was living ‘pre lesson and post lesson ‘ and the anxiety around it was too high. Pre lesson I would be tearful during it I was just having 2 hours of high alert / huge stress/ sweating shaking crying then after hours of shaking and then sleeping it was too awful I just can’t put myself through it again . It’s weird because I find travelling in a car really relaxing almost to the point of disassociation it’s like what I imagine self Hypnoyfeels like ! Buy to try and drive - absolutely the opposite !

Get an electric bike, it will change your life!

I have never done "the big shop" in my life. There are four of us here and the big shop is two shopping bags of food which I can carry on foot no problem. I am always bemused when I see trolleys overflowing with food. Surely, most of it perishes before being eaten.
I know it is largely dependent on where you live but I have never needed to drive. I've lived in cities all my life, used public transport, ordered furniture online and walked everywhere within 2 mile radius. My family also didn't have a car and, as a child and a teenager, I managed to get myself to hobbies independently by using public transport.
I learned to drive at 38 because I had spare time and money and it was an activity to do for fun. And sometimes I wish I hadn't because I now walk a lot less and feel a lot less motivated to walk to the shop which is only 15 min away.

Do you have any hints on how to get over a fear of driving on motorways? I’m perfectly confident with other driving but I completely freak if I inadvertently end up on a motorway. Had a couple of bad experiences when I first passed my test (shocking weather, no one moving over so I had to come to a stop to get on) and I’m now petrified.

2 bags of shopping for 4 people for week? I fill 2 bags with just fresh vegetables for 3 of us.

I hear you. I passed when I was a teenager and then didn't drive again until I was 35 for the reasons you listed.

Just to give the other side: I did find myself a fantastic driving instructor for refresher lessons. I don't know what she did or how she did it but I did a few refreshers and started driving.

I don't love it. But I do love the freedom. I too thought I was managing the kids well without one but it has definitely enriched my life - and now that I'm divorced it's a lifesaver, I'll never live cars, they are boring abd other drivers are idiots but it's enabled so much good stuff in my life that I'm forever grateful to that driving instructor.

Ps I've managed 10 years now of driving without having to do a single parallel park.

It isn't a basic life skill. A basic life skill involves things that keep you are alive/able to survive. People always say driving is a basic life skill but it isn't. It isn't needed to keep you alive.
No one should be forced to do something they are uncomfortable with regardless of reasons.
Her dh wants her to drive so she can do things for his parents, why should she? Why should other people's comfort be put above hers?

If your husband did all the night waking with the kids and does all the cooking, he sounds like someone who supports your differences and he has asked you to have another go, is it worth just trying? If you don’t pass, you don’t pass, then you can move on and the issue is put to bed.

I found learning to drive extremely stressful, and I was getting stress migraines for the first time in my life and wishing I had never started just before I passed (second time).
Driving has made my life so much easier, and since passing it hasn't been anything like as stressful as lessons.
If you did want to continue make sure you have a patient instructor, and I found that having 2 lessons a week really helped me to get it (after a year of 1 a week lessons where it just wasn't clicking).
So, if you want to do it, but think you can't, keep going. If you just flat out don't want to then don't.

I am a driver and have had my license for about 15 years, but do I like driving? No.
I am still nervous and truth be told if we're out as a family my dp does the driving. However, I drive because I feel it's necessary (not to mention convenient). I have a DD and would hate the thought of delays if I needed to take her anywhere urgently ie. Hospital/doctors. Or if dp is away and I need to get to my parents urgently.
I would find a good and patient instructor OP and try again.

That's exactly how I read it too @Theoldqueen

Trust posters to deliberately misinterpret stuff😂

I was in a similar boat until recently, autistic, tried at 18,21 and couldn’t do it, tried again recently and passed finally, could dh give you lessons or at least partly or sometimes there are driving instructors that specialise in ND? This third time around it was dh he taught me as partly a money thing but meant we could really adapt the lessons to when I was struggling to understand or just to help me cope, sometimes the lesson would be ten mins sometimes it would be 3 hours but just doing the same thing over and over so I could really understand (bay parking!) and the ability to just end the lesson with no judgement really helped.

OP you need to click with an instructor to pass. You need to feel at ease.

You're getting yourself worked up about the wrong thing here. Driving isn't the issue. Get an instructor that puts you at ease.

Could you try hypnotherapy for the anxiety and then try one lesson to see if it’s worked ? Just as a last ditched attempt before you say no.