Asking fathers permission to propose

[janfebmar87]

Inspired by another thread but not a thread about a thread.

I really feel this is out dated and perpetuates the narrative that women are the possession of men

If we ever want true equality then we need to put "traditions" like this to bed.

How many people are following this particular tradition? I don't know anyone who ever felt the need. If my partner so much as mentioned this, I would think he was insane.

Well my brother asked his future fil and my bil asked my dad.

I would have gone mad at my dh if he had.

My dh did and I was pissed off. Obviously nothing I could do about it after the fact

Married three times and that never happened

XH symbolically asked my dad if he could marry me but he had already proposed and it wouldn't have made any difference (unfortunately given he was an arse, but I digress). It was more of a "telling the parents we are engaged" thing than permission.

My dad was born in 1936 though so it was, perhaps, expected. I can't imagine it happens much any more as the parents are from a different era now,

TBH I find the idea of proposals also a bit weird. The idea of someone kneeling to ask me for my hand in marriage feels very 19th century

DH and I decided to get married after a nice sensible conversation about it. Nearly 20 years on we are very happy

My DH asked my dad. It was for Dad's benefit really, he's a bit old fashioned and we knew he'd appreciate the gesture.

On the fence about this as DH did ask permission but he asked my parents together rather than it being a ‘man to man’ thing. It meant a lot to them, they saw it as a sign of respect from him.

DH proposed, but we didn't tell anyone about the engagement until he'd "asked my father's permission". We never found out what my dad thought though, because my mum immediately cheered and said yes. I think she wanted me off her hands - not that I was living at home still.

Of course, he wasn't actually asking permission. We knew there were no issues. We just found it a nice way to tell them we were getting married.

I do find it weird if anyone, parents, friends, family, know ahead of the prospective bride that a proposal is about to be made.

I don't like the tradition. I think it should be updated to asking both parents for their blessing to propose if the people in the relationship feel like something should be done, but asking the fathers permission isn't something I would personally want.

DH spoke to my parents about it beforehand but that was more to do with finding out my ring size without spoiling the surprise for me.

I was also “given away” by my dad. I don’t feel like my dad or husband owned or own me. It’s just a tradition.

So what? It rarely happens these days, and the fact that your brother and BiL asked is charming. It also demonstrates that they have been brought up well, have manners, consider others, and respect traditions.
Why turn this into a pro-feminist, man-bashing trope, when in reality today, it is not even considered from that view - it's just a tradition that some wish to adhere to
But at least you DH, unlike your DB and BiL, behaved in the way you wanted

I feel it's a very outdated tradition.

And nothing to do with manners and being brought up well. I think units something people do without thinking about it and what it used to mean.

We’ve been married 25 years nearly.
DH did not ask my dad, I was 17 and DH was 26 - Dad would have said no! We got married after a six month engagement - an elopement as still nobody wanted us to marry.

Proposals are weird anyway. The idea of "being engaged" is really strange to me.

I wouldn't marry a man who even considered asking my parents for their permission to propose or marry.

Plain weird - what’s going to happen if the father says no! Why ask the father and not the mother?

Thankfully DH had more sense and getting married was a discussion between the two of us only.

My sister's husband asked my dad. He only had my mum's number so he called her, and asked to speak to my dad. My dad would have been very polite but I know both him and my mum would have thought it was ridiculous.
My DH didn't ask, and I know my dad didn't ask my grandad (wisely, because my grandad's opinion of my dad would have gone way down, and he'd probably have said something like "well I don't give my permission, so what are you going to do now?" as a demonstration of the absurdity).

My dad was born in 1919, I'm pretty sure my DH would have plummeted in his opinion if the latter done something as sexist and insulting to me as asking his 'permission'!

And I know DF didn’t ask DMs father - it was a family anecdote that the latter wanted her to stay at home to look after him and her disabled mother and he’d seen off her previous young man. Instead DF told him ‘ I’m not going to argue with you but I am going to marry your daughter’. GP totally respected him for that and DF was the best son in law he could have wished for.

Disagree

I like traditions and I'm youngish!

DH asked my parents and I'd have been disappointed if he hadn't tbh

Each to their own.

I'd be furious with anyone who felt they needed to ask my Dad first. He's not marrying them!!
I know my parents, who got married in 1969 (engaged in '67 or '68), didn't seek permission either - just asked for blessing, once they'd already actually gotten engaged.

I'd have been pissed off if my dp had done this but more to the point it would have lowered him in my dad's estimation. And my dad is 85!

I'm just going to leave this here, says it all really

I totally agree. People do things because “it’s tradition” without giving it any thought. Just because something is tradition doesn’t mean it has to be adhered to or is even good or benign. I agree with you that it perpetuates subjugation of women in subtle ways, but then I think that about most things to do with the institution and traditions around marriage.

Oh that's perfect.

He says it better than me

My eldest DD partner asked to come over and then asked us both if he could propose to our DD last December. Nothing for permission, as they are both adults, but for our blessing.
Our DD has views and would NOT have accepted any proposal without a blessing. A supportive family is important to her.