That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

What did he do for your birthday?

If he was ‘disappointed’ with that I wouldn’t make any effort at all this year, get him to organise it himself - is he 12? He needs to grow up

He’s a fucking man child. Get the kids to make him a nice card and buy him one thing off his list.

If anyone has any ideas what I can buy him ‘ from the kids’ then please share. He already has mugs, keyrings, bottle opener, a couple of ‘dads shed’ or dad’s office signs.

I know these are all shit but what else do I buy? One of his specific criticisms was I didn’t get him anything from the kids (they are 4&2)

He sounds pathetic. He really needs to grow up. An adult birthday is really just a token gift and a little celebration, surely?

Sounds annoying. Surely making an effort doesn't need to cost a lot. Dinner out a cake and card should be enough. Does he make an effort for your birthday?

It's nice to have a birthday recognised by loved ones but as an adult you can arrange the birthday you want and there shouldn't be pressure on people to make it perfect or meet your expectations.

This kind of birthday obsession usually dates back to childhood. Was he a spoilt child and he's trying to recreate that? Or did he live with a constant fear of being disappointed because his parents were inconsistent? Try to work out what's behind it and that will help you tackle it.

He sounds like a total prick, OP.

Frame a nice photo of kids? Ideally with him in it? Or frame a drawing they've done for him?
My exH was big into presents and mine were rarely enough so I feel your pain!

Show him what "no effort" really looks like?

Buy him a 'Best STBXH 2024' mug?!
He sounds like a mardy, self-entitled little prick.

I wouldn't be doing anything this year after his last year's response.

Home made card. Or get them to draw in a shop bought card. Can your 4 year old wrote their own name in a card, maybe draw a little picture?

Agreed.

I also echo PP question around what this prince among men does for your birthday @Nespressso

In fairness "I joined him on his work night out" isn't really an extra birthday present. So I probably wouldn't use that as part of a birthday.

He clearly needs to read the room a bit. But I know people with December birthdays can always feel like they're being overlooked due to Xmas, so that's probably playing a large part here.

I actually can’t remember what he did for my birthday. To be fair he probably did buy something, he thinks in difficult too as in the past I’ve often returned gifts as I don’t need them

eg expensive £100 leather gloves, £350 fair fax and favour boots. It’s just not me.

What did he DO, not what did he buy

Does he just want you to buy him big presents? That's easy enough if you have the money.

He sounds like a cheesy 14 year old boy who is going through a hormonal change and wants the latest trainers and branded t-shirts to impress girls from school 🤢

Take the kids to a Christmas fair or similar run by your local primary school/village hall/etc.

Let them actually choose for real.

He'll get random shit but they will have chosen.

Also handmade cards (get paper, place children in rough vicinity of paper with pens, watch)

Is it about money? Like as long as you spend money it is a good present regardless if any thought goes into it?

WTF! What else does he actually want?! You sound really lovely and thoughtful. Could you suggest to him that as he seems to always be disappointed with presents, why not have a £10 limit to buy something small and then put the rest of the money together and "buy each other" a weekend away (if you have childcare)?

My friend took her DC when they were little to the pound shop to choose their own presents for family members. She did say she turned her DS away from the panty liners as a gift for his uncle but broadly let them choose. That might be a fun option (given that he'll be disappointed with whatever).

To be brutally honest, I think I would be taking a long hard look at the relationship over all. Certainly not tying myself into more debt of a mortgage even if I could afford it.
It sounds like you have an much older child to tend with than you realised. Making a fuss about his birthday and 'lack of effort' on your part? WTAF I hope you put 8 candles on his cake, but then that might be insulting to a lot of 8 year olds.

Buy air-drying clay and paint and let the kids make him gifts. If he complains, be outraged that he didn't love the beautiful green hippo that his little darling handmade for him. What gift could be more precious?

Similarly, birthday outing is a dinner for two with just you, followed by a family day out with the four of you where he gets to spend quality time with (aka parent) his kids. If he complains, be hurt that time with you and his babies is not the best time he could imagine.

And say you want a £50 limit (or less) on presents to and from each other as neither of you need anything and you're saving for a house.

Although, you say you are a SAHM with no income. Do you share finances? Or is he giving you an allowance for personal spending that reflects the fact that he hasn't had to give up work to look after his own children? Because if not, (he should be) you can't afford to buy him presents.

Finally, did he bake you a cake on your birthday?

I too don't think going to a work thing is really to be counted on your list of birthday presents, although I agree he was very ungrateful about your actual gifts.

If he's given you a list, couldn't you get one thing for birthday and little things from kids, and two for Christmas one from you one from kids?

I actually think there are a couple of issues here. You seem to think that as he has all these work jollies, he doesn't deserve any extra effort for his birthday. He, on the other hand, sees his birthday and the thought and effort you put in as something that's really important to him.

On the work issue, I would be aiming to get some balance there - does he step up to support you when he' sback from these trips, give you a break etc? He should and if he's not, you should be having that conversation.

Separately, he seems to be one of those people who likes a massive fuss made for his birthday (although, as is often the case, makes very little fuss for you which is irritating but does seem to think flashy expensive gifts shows he cares).

So.... just do that. Buy him something overpriced but flashy. A pair of fancy cufflinks or a pair of designer shoes.

Then make a bit of a song and dance about taking the kids to choose daddy's present, wrap the present etc. Personally, I'd absolutely get the kids to choose the present themselves so any whinging from him is hopefully immediately stopped becuase the kids will be excited about choosing, wrapping etc for Daddy.

The on the day, make a bit of a fuss of him.

Of course, only if you want to do what works for him. If you think he's just a complete twat about it all, tell him that. Certainly, if MN is to be believed, lots of women would like a bit of a fuss but their partners are vocal that they think it's a waste of time and money ....

If anyone has any ideas what I can buy him ‘ from the kids’ then please share.

Get them to choose something in Poundland or similar. The weirder the better,