That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

My late dh and I agreed not to buy each other presents- used the money on things for the home, holidays etc. much easier than buying for the sake of buying.

Do you have a Gullivers or a wildlife park or similar near you? Buy him an annual family pass so he can get to spend quality time with you and the kids.
Presents from the kids - I agree, get them to make or choose something or do him one of those personalised desk calendars with photos of them

all of this nonsense can be avoided if he acts like an adult and gives you a proper list of things he actually needs rather than picking something/anything for the sake of it. we all do this for family birthdays and christmas. it means people get what they actually want, its less stressful and so is a win/win.

That's odd, why would you return gifts like that?

Assuming they fitted you, why would you want to return them? I'd feel a bit offended if I was the present getter. I'd never buy expensive things for myself but would definitely use those items if someone else bought them for me.

Leather gloves are a god send in winter, even just for driving when the steering wheel is cold!

£250 is a lot of money on one person - it’s more like a budget for 2-3 people for Christmas or Birthday

i wouldn’t have the patience for such ridiculous immature behaviour. He’s a grown man not a child! You’ve already said if he wants something he buys it.

Present from the children - Should be sentimental not expensive. A homemade card, a picture made from handprints dipped in paint. A key ring with We love daddy on it or a leather belt with We love you daddy stitched on the inside.

If money isn’t a problem then I’d stop with the pile of presents, ask your mum to have the children for a weekend and book a surprise weekend away.

And if he critiques your efforts again I would be telling him he’s a spoiled, immature, entitled dick and needs to grow up. He has children now it’s time to be a grown up and shift the focus on to them.

You’re backed into a corner with birthday and Christmas and that he buys himself anything he wants when he sees it. There is literally nothing you can buy him.
It isn’t your fault he was born in December. The fact that I was born close to Christmas isn’t a reason for me to give my husband a hard time.
His disappointment is making you stressed. Perhaps that’s what he likes - knowing you’re going through anguish elevates his status in your eyes. His random list for about £150 is incidental as you sense.
I’d be tempted to keep away from purchases except for buying a cake to save you time and
effort. Reinvent his birthday celebration as none of you can continue like this. Next month make it a family-centred day of time together with a home-made card from the children. You and the children should be all he needs to make him feel special. People, not parcels, are important in life.
If that doesn’t suit, you have his measure and should justifiably point it out. Stop being his whipping boy.

Go for thoughtful and effort rather than expense. Then if he moans you can point out how unreasonable he is.

Bake a cake with the kids or buy a shop bought cake and get them to decorate it.

Get the kids to paint a card.

Goto a paint your own pottery place. Many do photo frames or mugs. Let the kids paint and then get the staff or you write on it neatly with a best daddy type text. Or get their hand prints

If a photo frame can you book a mini session for some nice kids photos? Many photographers do them this time of year for not loads of money.

Cook him his favourite meal. As obviously he's eaten out loads being away so would obviously enjoy home cooking more.

This is ridiculous OP. You did make an effort, you already have enough on your plate yet you spend time trying to please him and find presents he'll appreciate, and he complains!? He's bloody rude, selfish and uncaring. Even if you don't like a present, you don't complain and moan - what a piece of work. I'd even worry he might just enjoy making you feel you're never good enough to keep you on your toes. But at best he's deeply spoilt and thoughtless.

Like some PPs I'd be telling him you DID make an effort, and what he got was plenty for someone who doesn't need anything, so from now on you're making a rule that xmas is about the kids and you and him can have a £10 limit for presents for each other. A well-chosen book, the person's favourite chocolates or a lovely piece of pottery can mean much more than all the luxury goods you can throw £250 or more at, if you care about a person and know their taste. I'd much, much rather have a small present given with love, than all this pointless splurging and complaining.

If he doesn't like it, so what? The bloke moans anyway, nothing to lose.

He needs to grow up.
Is he 5?

Damn - I’d be surfing Temu for tasteless tat with that attitude. Maybe a gear stick fluffy hoodie cover? A sequin steering wheel cover? What an entitled git.

If DH behaved like that, never mind gift expectations, I'd be asking him to lower his expectations of me continuing to be married to him and would be presenting him with divorce papers.

Well you’ve gone and got yourself an absolute man child haven’t you ? If you made so much of an effort last year and got that utterly shitty comment in return he can whistle this year. How much of an effort does he make for your birthday ? And waltzing off abroad while you sort the kids is less than impressive too. I would be asking him to lower his expectations all round, because the way things are, your expectations of staying married to him for very much longer are not high.

The best thing to get him would be an 'ego' injection.

Get some of his overly large one removed.

Are you married to Dudley Dursley?

Buy him a ticket to dumpsville.

If he's sad about the kids not giving him a gift then it's a home made macaroni picture of dad with extra glitter, and some painted pasta shell cufflinks to wear with his new shirts op!

A voucher for his birthday and a block of coal for Christmas - that's what ungrateful kids would get here. Has he always been this much hard work?

I'd give my teenage son short shrift if he spoke to me like that about a birthday, let alone my husband. He is a dick and needs to grow the fuck up tbh.

I agree something "from the kids" is probably quite a nice thing to do but needn't be more than a bar of favourite choc or whatever. How much "stuff" does he need? If the reason you are upsizing is to house his designer wardrobe id think about an instant way to lose 13 stone instead.

I take my kids to go to Tiger and let them choose something funny for DH.

Your DH is being a bit spoilt and silly though.

I'd ask if he's 12, but actually I wouldn't accept that sort of CF entitlement from a 12 year old, let alone a grown man.

This. How unattractive that a grown man acts like a 12 year old.

I think it is! She used up a favour from MIL to get overnight babysitting and spent the night in the hotel.

I would suggest you plan a weekend in paris for you both. Leave nothing for Christmas. And tell him it is from bith the children.

Get him this...
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nothing-person-who-has-everything/dp/B00N87ATOE/ref=asc_df_B00N87ATOE?mcid=20f73bdc00de36169bba24fcb64059b3&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697230626092&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2577269141854211925&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007326&hvtargid=pla-451054559034&psc=1&gad_source=1

I think you need a conversation together about what a 'good' birthday and what a 'good' Christmas look like for both of you bearing in mind:

-it should be equal budgets for both of you
-it should be equal effort from the organiser
-you basically both already have everything that you need
-both need to be reponsible for getting each other something 'from the kids'

I'm in a similar situation with DH in that for clothes, books etc we are at a time of life where we like very specific things and if we want them we can just buy them. I am not going to buy him shirts as honestly he has masses of shirts and if I did, they would somehow be ever so slightly the wrong shirt.

We gave up and focus on time spent together instead. This year neither of us could think of physical gifts for birthdays so we went to the theatre instead.