That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

Get him an 'experience' - car racing day etc
And get the kids to each draw him a card.

Not that he deserves it after whining like a baby.

How about gift him two weeks at home with your DC while you go on a nice holiday?
Daddy we have you for a whole week of fun and games 😂

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

I wouldn't do anything for his next birthday, so he could see what 'didn't make an effort' really looks like. 🙄

What a colossal knob.

How is this being paid for? (Please, please tell me it’s not out of your savings)

If it’s from family money, do you both discuss finances, budgets and have you had the cold, dry discussion about how much is budgeted for birthdays, Christmas etc?

It’s really important to have a regular state of the union meeting - we do it weekly, touching on budgets when we’re comparing schedules for the week, we have a walk and chat on the weekend when we discuss other stuff. And then if there’s a bigger discussion to be had, it’s just a matter of finding time for it.

You sound very disconnected as a couple (and hopefully I’m misreading) between you being left to solo parent unappreciated, and having wildly different approaches to money and material goods. There’s nothing wrong with having different views but it helps to talk so that we’re aware when the other person is compromising and resentment doesn’t fester.

It sounds like this is about much more than presents?

But I know you’re looking for gift suggestions as well and you might do better to repost in the Christmas section for ideas - they’re amazing over there!

Any man this high maintenance would give me the complete and utter ick tbh.

Just do exactly what he does. So silly expensive present and call it a day,

What??????

My husband's birthday is in Dec too. I always "give" him a trip away to a nice hotel, with no kids. Obviously we have a meal / take in a show etc. Usually we go to London (no help if you live in London, but we live in the back of beyond) and then something small but thoughtful to open on the day.
He loves it (I think) and it's super Christmassy wandering through Knightsbridge in the week before Christmas. We always try to pop into Fortnum and Mason and it's so nice to just walk into a fancy shop without having to hiss "DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING" at the people I'm with, over and over again.

Failing that, buy him a smart watch?

How about a large bottle of lube and a box of tissues?

They're 2 and 4. So I'd get a cheap canvas from somewhere like B&M, make a shape of a heart or similar in tape and then the kids hand print all over it. Remove tape. Masterpiece. Boom. Something unquestionably irreplaceable and priceless from his kids.

Then a book of you about gratitude.

Did you challenge him last year when he said you'd made no effort?

I used to take my kids to a Charity shop and say point to what to what you want to get Daddy. He once got a second hand superman thong. He loved these gifts because the kids chose them, wrapped them and proudly gave them. Once they were at achool he got the strange things that they made instead 😂He's the problem - not the gifts

It's not wrong of him to want a fuss made on his birthday, I think it's absolutely fine for adults to celebrate their birthdays and have expensive presents, meals out etc. You sound a bit martyrish saying you returned the gloves and boots because you didn't need them, to me that would have been a lovely gift to have something a bit luxurious that I didn't actually need.
It sounds like your present-giving and receiving desires are very mismatched. Has this been the case since your relationship started?
However I do think it's wrong of him to complain that he's always disappointed and especially about the things the children "give" him. If he did have those feelings internally then he should have had a proper discussion with you and used kinder language.
There are several ways you can go. You could tell him you're not bothering in the future and do nothing, which is likely to end up with it becoming a massive issue and who knows what will happen after that.
You could ask him to have a proper adult discussion about finances and financial goals and come to an agreement about how much you each spend, should it be more experiences instead of things etc.
Or you could go all out and give him something different to what you usually do. However much they cost, shirts, beer glasses are quite boring presents and a work night out isn't a proper present. There are so many great experience presents to give him depending on his interests eg a supercar driving experience, flying lesson, hot air balloon trip, helicopter trip, tour of brewery or vineyard with tastings and meal, trip away seeing a band he likes etc etc. Arrange a meal in a great local restaurant, bottle of champagne etc. From the children don't get generic dad stuff or let them choose crap from a cheap shop, get him something personalised with pictures of them on or pictures of just them and him together on, mugs, calendars, loads of ideas on sites like notonthehighstreet. Make a big fuss, special breakfast etc. Don't ask him what he thinks or if he's noticed, just wait and see if he makes any comments about what you've done. His reaction to your efforts will help you decide what to do in the future.

Here

He sounds ungrateful so wouldn't matter what you got it would be wrong!

What a conceited bastard he is!

we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

These were work events though and not actually for his birthday.

So apart from baking a cake what did you do for his actual birthday?

I would absolutely love to go for work trips away and I of course don’t know what his job is, but I imagine he did get done down time.

However, you seem quite resentful that he goes away on these trips whilst you look after the kids but surely that’s part of your ‘job’.
I assume that if he was to not go on these work trips and get a different job, you would be unable to be a SAHM and need to get a job too.

So if I was you I would be considering whether you have had enough of being a SAHP and want your own career, in which case he’s going to have to do more childcare or if you’re happy with being a SAHM and you need to let go of the resentment you have, perhaps by having some more you time when he is home.

I would explicitly ask him what he wants.

Does he want expensive gifts, does he want thoughtful gifts or does he want experiences.

I personally would be pretty annoyed if my DH claimed that my works do was part of my birthday present.

I don’t enjoy expensive gifts but I enjoy thoughtful gifts/experiences instead.

I used to bake a cake with the kid's "help" & they would decorate it!

I agree that something he can do with the kids sounds a good idea.

Preferably a few times & without Op!

Gross what a pathetic man. My 8yo has a better attitude than him.

I get a craft kit - it’s a gift and an afternoon activity for us. This year I brought a children’s marbling kit and we’ll make marbled Christmas ornaments. Apparently it’s possible to do with old nail polish but that sounded stressful!

or - any of those ‘custom printing’ places - if the art is quite abstract (which it will be at that age) you can do nice shopping bags or tea towels that don’t immediately scream a small child made this… or just go for the small child art look. At least it’s a practical gift !

Like lots of posters have said there are several issues here but you don't sound like you want to focus on them. For the question you have asked I would get socks and a photo of the kids in a small frame that he can take with him when he is travelling.

You do seem to be frustrated with his working away and you having to pick up the slack but then as a sahm isn't that what you signed up for when he is away? I'd be more inclined to look for a job and have a serious discussion about how well his job works for your family. What's the post of him being the sole earner when you feel aggrieved at the time he spends away and he does by a perceived lack of getting treated because he's working hard earning money? You both feel hard done by for different reasons.

I do like celebrating my birthday and I disagree with posters that say birthdays are just for kids. My dh is well aware and whilst I couldn't care less about expensive presents I value the thought he puts into making the day special for me.

Is he weaponising his birthday?

He sounds unhappy.

He is pushing you to buy gifts he doesn't need while you perform the 'pick me' dance.

Have a 100% honest conversation.

Personally I'd sack the peacock off.

He sounds like a ridiculous man baby. But here are some things you can get him “from the kids”:

https://loanya-jewelry.com/products/child-drawing-necklace?variant=39713832599757&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAABJbVpcqJeFKkah1swwuBcrDBd4YE&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIveHJjpD6iQMVrqNQBh2ZAzGDEAQYAiABEgL3kPD_BwE

https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1793979988/best-dad-ever-pajama-pants-with-faces?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_uk_en_gb_b-clothing&utm_custom1=k_EAIaIQobChMI8MaIwI_6iQMVY5RQBh17DiFnEAQYASABEgKRNvD_BwE_k&utm_content=go_21626258762_167456381978_710839154830_pla-360912201277_m__1793979988engb_102858184&utm_custom2=21626258762&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADutTMczFV0vBEzvtwbOAKVfXE1to&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8MaIwI_6iQMVY5RQBh17DiFnEAQYASABEgKRNvD_BwE

https://www.notonthehighstreet.com/brickbybrick23/product/personalised-daddy-and-me-lego-brick-photo-block?cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=21898727721&cq_term=&cq_plac=&cq_net=x&cq_plt=gp&DGMKT=FID__TID__PID_1375251_CRI_&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADPgpfUieeq-RQoA8sSO_nZrFyX8p&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6deM2o_6iQMV5ZNQBh1VQR2gEAQYASABEgKdbfD_BwE

https://fab-bricks.com/fathers-day/

https://www.johnlewis.com/emma-bridgewater-blue-star-daddy-half-pint-mug-300ml-cream-blue/p6415885?s_ppc=2dx_mixed_home_BAU&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD2el1xnNk-_5IxQENa48va3H2-3K&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwomO_Y_6iQMV95hQBh0CJwL1EAQYASABEgIRHfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

Does he buy you stuff “from the kids?”

This is what it sounds like.
Suggestions: Adopt him a donkey. He can visit.
Whole list of charities with their wish lists https://givetoday.co.uk/donate/
Feed several children every school day for a year with Mary’s Meals
https://www.marysmeals.org.uk/campaigns/double-the-love?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAoyxFZO9nZhHrQtymDjcASZs_gCJk&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIhLiWnZD6iQMVTZVQBh1r6Dp7EAAYASAAEgKnDvD_BwE

Donate food, clothes to the people of Ukraine.

they’ll all be a lot more grateful than your husband.

You did tons for his birthday last year he was being ungrateful.

if he needs nothing and also complained about that lovely day I would stick to the basics. So a day with your and the children so either a party type lunch at home and a homemade birthday cake (girls can make it) and a tiny present from each of them then a nice walk. Or book an afternoon tea out for all four of you and once again a small gift from each of them.

Christ, what an ungrateful bastard.

That is all.

And yes gifts from kids should be craft sets to spend the day making together. So maybe a scrapbook kit , print out a big wad of nice photos of you all in advance and buy some pretty embellishments to stick in together. That sort of thing.

And then as he works away travel toiletries sets, socks etc things he can pack in his suitcase.