That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

Seriously?

Material presents are for kids who haven't learned the value of anything. I don't know why anyone would care about receiving anything material past a certain age, or giving for that matter.

Nothing says I haven't treated you well this year more than an expensive gift.

In our house the kids decide what to get from 'them' then its a genuine gift. Even the 3 year can come up with something she wants to get daddy! It may be shit but at least its genuine and thoughtful from them, and we both really appreciate what they choose. He sounds like a childish ungrateful so and so who needs a reality check.

If he was disappointed after your ‘lack of effort’ from his last birthday, I wouldn’t buy the ungrateful bastard another thing.
Book yourself a spa for his next birthday and leave him to solo parent your kids.

Tell him he is right. Your SO EXCITED to see what he is planning for YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFTS. Would he like a similar gift list.

Then once you have his attention, say does he agree it would be better for you both as adults to get 3 small cheap gifts. One from partner, one from each child and £100 cash to go sale shopping...
Hear me out you hive him £100 on Christmas he gives you the same £100 back. Even if he won't realise and so you now have the money to do what you like...
I think gift experiences are good ideas, as it is something we don't do everyday.

He sounds like a child. I’d buy him an Oxfam goat from the children and tell him to organise his own presents if he’s that disappointed in yours.

Well that's a bit of an exaggeration as some people do hold sentimental value to special gifts but it's clearly not the case here. And expecting a constant stream of material gifts is indeed weird.

Special gifts are more special when they're few and far between, like for a special anniversary, or something the partner has saved up for knowing you really wanted it. Not sending a list of branded items...

This might be a nice idea “from the kids” - lots of different options on Not on the High St https://www.notonthehighstreet.com/birdiebarn/product/personalised-metal-photo-wallet-card?attributionToken=pwHwpgoMCLDblroGEKm8rPsCEAEaJDY3N2FkZDdiLTAwMDAtMjU2MC1iYjFiLTc0NzQ0NjNmNjU4NSobR0ExLjEuMjAxNjk0NzY1Ny4xNzMyNjE5NjIzMjyjgJcimd3YMNqZsS_C8J4VjpHJMNSynRWc3dgwjr6dFZzWty3Fy_MXt7eMLZ_Wty2o5aotkPeyMJruxjA6DmRlZmF1bHRfc2VhcmNoSAF6Andh&referredBy=search

Special doesn't mean expensive.

I do think it's a bit rubbish not to involve the kids a bit - aged 4 mine would definitely have made daddy a card with some stickers and we'd have gone to the shops to choose Daddy a present - it doesnt have to be expensive its the thought that counts, mine would have chosen daddy some chocs or other treats. Even at 2 id have sat with mine and helped them make a card for daddy using stickers etc.

But i think he's being a bit of a dick expecting lots of money spent.
Does he not give you ideas of stuff he wants? Tech items like new wireless headphones maybe?

Is he ok with you being a SAHM or would he prefer you to work, could it be that there's an underlying frustration that his birthday has to be a bit scrimped on in order to enable you to stay at home?

A friend and his wife decided they wouldn’t get presents for each other’s birthday but instead put the money together and bought a family membership to a local health/sports club.

Sounds good

I tell mine not to buy me anything expensive, I have no reason to put that ridiculous societal pressure on him.

Urgh! This behaviour is ick-inducing. What a baby.

It may not even be about the gifts. When I have in the past felt as he does about gift giving, it was because I wasn’t getting the undevided attention and affection I needed from my partner, and I saw the gift giving as a symptom of that lack of care.

When I was in another relationship when my partner made e feel loved, values, and appreciated, I couldn’t care less about gift giving, it became a non issue because my needs were being met elsewhere.

Not saying your at fault, you must have your hands full raising little kids while he’s galavanting around this time of year.

It may be that this crack grows bigger if you don’t both help to fill it in together.

Ask him when he’s relaxed and happy what a perfect birthday would look like for him, then try to do that. Make it spectacular, a day out in a super car, sky diving, a weekend at a country castle hotel, big tickets to his favourite concert or sporting event, hire a company to deliver and install birthday decorations in the house, have his favourite music playing… that sort of thing.
If you don’t have time to do it, outsource it to professionals.

Then make sure he understands your love language is NOT gift giving, and you would for yourself instead like more help domestically, or more varied affection and sex, or whatever it is that makes you feel content and loved…

He needs to understand it’s give and take and he is not 5 years old snd you are not his mummy, and that you may also have unmet needs, no matter how baffling it may be to the other person.

Thats really ungrateful that you returned them.... And so mercenary as you no doubt then kept the money they cost? You need to have a proper conversation with your partner about expectations because it sounds like you are quite incompatible as he likes a few treats and luxury brands whereas you'd prefer to be frugal

This is absolutely ridiculous! Me and H have no money and we have an agreement not to get each other birthday and Xmas presents, I was overjoyed on my bday when he had chosen and bought me a moonpig card. We’re a 30 year old couple and don’t need hundreds spent on each other!

It sounds like the issues go way beyond the gift list. He doesn’t seem to realise the value you bring to the family as primary caregiver to your children and only seems to value what you can materially give him. That would be a massive disappointment TO ME. That my worth to him is based on just what I might buy him - doesn’t he value actually spending time with his family or just want to pose with the kids with his expensive clothes and his “top dad” glass? Sounds really shallow and quite dim actually when you’re a stay at home mum with presumably not a lot of disposable income.

Buy him tickets for something like a panto from the kids......you can all have a nice time....add in something small he can wear to the event / is connected to it just for him.

https://hoorayheroes.co.uk Bought my husband one of these books a few years ago and he loved it.

A full day trip out for just him and the kids one weekend whilst you have a well deserved break.

What a knob

I don't get this kind of present-buying among married people. Surely if you are married, all your assets are basically in common anyway? And isn't it a bit odd for an adult to make such a tremendous fuss about their birthday? He's not a small kid.

We just go out together for a nice lunch and then maybe get some chocolates for the family to share; most people I know do a variant of this.

I agree with PPs that you need to have a talk with him and find out what is behind this obsession with birthdays and presents.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here - beer mugs and signs for sheds are very generic "man" gifts and I think if a woman posted that she was upset because she got soap and smellies from her DH and nothing from her kids, people wouldn't be telling her she was being a selfish child.

I also think it's monumentally cheeky to refer to his works night out as part of his present - and again if the roles were reversed, the man would be getting called all sorts of things.

That said, I think £250 is a lot of money but maybe it could be better spent. Shirts and beer mugs are all well and good but maybe he would prefer an experience, or a day out, or something a bit more personalised to him.

I don't know how the man has the nerve to day he is disappointed after all the obvious effort you put in to his birthday.

Most people don't have half of what he got on their birthdays. Nor do they make a big thing out of birthdays as they get older.

He sounds like a big kid, that would annoy me.

My birthday is next month and I will quite happy with whatever I am given.

Your man needs a wake up call!

Send him clay pigeon shooting. Or if he shoots already then a simulated game day is a good gift - they are bloody good fun and held in summer when there isn't much other shooting happening. Dyson run brilliant sim days near us in Lincolnshire.

He sounds like a complete arsehole.

I'm trying to imagine how I would react if my DH gave me a list of criticisms after his birthday.

Nope, just can't imagine him doing it. But then my DH is a nice man.