That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

My sister is like this. She gets really upset if she isn’t bought expensive things on her birthday or Christmas.

On the other hand, I really don’t care about gifts. I’m easily pleased.

My partner also doesn’t care about gifts so our relationship works - we often put money aside for a trip together or spa weekend as gifts to one another.

People are different and it is really hard to be with someone that has a different attitude to these sorts of things so I feel for you.

You sound mismatched in this regard. He does sound a bit spoilt and insufferable about this, but you sound a bit sour-faced about the whole concept of celebrations (returning gifts given you, thinking his work (!) trip should be enough of a celebration) and I wonder if you're each exacerbating the other's issues with the way you do things, iyswim. Do you think you could sit down with him and have a proper conversation about it? Try and get him to pinpoint exactly what was 'disappointing' to him about his last birthday? He might see he's being a bit silly, and/or reflect a bit more deeply on what's going on there for him. Perhaps you can also talk about how you see birthdays too and come to some kind of agreement on how to handle it going forward.

It's mean and childish of him to say he had a disappointing birthday. It's not a sign of a loving relationship, that's for sure. Regardless, I don't think that 'I looked after the children while he was away' should somehow be seen as a gift or an excuse (you really don't need an 'excuse' by the way! your gifts sound lovely).

I think it's time for you to find a job, gain some independence; a life of your own without the kids, even if you don't need it financially.

Then to answer your question, here are some gift ideas -- not knowing where his interests lie:

• (VIP) Season tickets
• Concert tickets
• Motorbike lessons
• PerfectDraft with a set of kegs
• A luxury coffee machine
• A bambu 3D printer
• A high-end game pc / the latest playstation
• A high-end smart watch
• Trip to the art gallery where he can choose any painting he likes

From the kids:

• A bottle of expensive rum or whisky with a handwritten/handdrawn card

Hope this is helpful 😊

We’ve got a paint it yourself pottery type place locally. They can help make something cute out of a handprint or footprint.

Give hin the opportunity to parent solo while you go away for a month

I completely understand where you're coming from OP!

It's unusual for the main breadwinner in a household to complain that NOT ENOUGH money is being pointlessly frittered away! Particularly in this climate.

You say you are aspiring for a larger house. Have you actually done the sums for how and when you are going to afford that, or is it just a pipe dream?

It sounds like your DH is quite happy to mindlessly spend without any thought to the future. I don't know how much he earns, but even a relatively large salary has to be managed carefully when you've got a family and mortgage etc.

He likes to treat you, so I'd accept the gifts and try to wear them sometimes. Especially gloves, they can be worn even if not what you had chosen.

It sounds like you made a really nice effort last year. I'd tell him outright you're not motivated to get him anything as even when you do, it never seems to be enough. Tell him you think the gift giving in your family is out of hand.

What you can do is give him from the kids something he has to do with them, like tickets to a Christmas show, also get them to make handmade cards.

Agreed.

LTB.

I can never get my head around how fully grown adults behave like this on their birthdays, with these crazy expectations. He’s acting like a spoilt teenager. Just nonsense. I’d be having strong words with him, for wanting so much money to be spent on him, and for wanting so much fuss. So off putting and immature.

Electronic photo frame with pics of them or those photo frames you a put their art in.

He sounds like a child!

Get him a pair of gloves he doesn’t want then

A t shirt for both kids saying ‘daddy is more childish than me’ on the front? Bonus points for if the word selfish is used somewhere too.

What a spoilt, entitled little prince your husband is!

I think you should stop wringing your hands about what to get him, and start deciding how you’re going to tell him he needs to bloody belt up.

This.
Also fortunate and comfortable, but my husband of 20 years would never pull this one.
Ick.

He sounds ridiculous - your presents are great! We are always so busy we often don’t get each other a proper present or get them late but we always go out for a meal! I think the list someone put up is great, I’m considering a smart watch for my partner. I got my partner a flying lesson one year which he loved - any experience stuff - or organise babysitting and have a night away somewhere lovely! I have also considered getting my partner membership of a kayaking club or getting him art lessons to encourage him to get involved in a hobby.

In terms of the kids presents I would stick with what other people suggested and let them choose something silly. Are there any xmas markets near you or big shops like TKMaxx. For christmas my 3 year old is getting small things for people - she’s picked colourful christmas crackers for her grandparents from the waitrose half price sale (big display by the door so she really wanted them lol), we went into Primark and she has chosen dog toys for the various dogs in her life (my friends, my aunts, her granny’s) - I intend to bring her to TKMaxx and suggest “would daddy like some socks or what would he like” and see what she chooses (I suspect it’ll be a teddy, an ornament or another dog toy lol). I really love the ideas of frames art or getting them to make something too.

I'd get him nothing.

Then he'd really know what disappointment is. What a spoiled brat.

You both need to stop. You're both buying (and expecting, in his case) pointless and expensive gifts that neither of you really want, in circumstances where it appears that the money could be put to much better use.

One way to do this is to have an experiences/consumables rule - you only get each other things like trips or meals out or nice things that can be consumed and so don't hang around the house.

In our house, the DC give my DH a homemade card, some "art" (handprints or finger prints made into an animal, usually) and a homemade cake that we make together. That's it.

Honestly, how many "No 1 Daddy" mugs does a man need to massage his ego? My DH has one (given by grandparents) and even he would admit that that's one too many, given that he's a workaholic who hardly sees his kids during the week.

OP, why are you even pandering to this?. He is a fully grown up adult man who strops out about not being given enough expensive presents, which he is demanding. If one of your children behaved in such an entitled way, what would you do? The worst of it, it sounds that no matter what you get him it will never be good enough, and it will always be too little. He needs to grow up. And your kids don’t need to be seeing their father behaving in such a bad way. Please speak with him.

Make some biscuits or buy some. Then let kids decorate them and put in box that they can also decorate. He can’t criticise and they’ll eaten so no waste or tat to fill up the house.

His attitude would really give me the ick. He NEEDS presents? I don't understand how he was 'disappointed' at all the stuff you did for his birthday previously..what did he actually want you to do? Just pathetic.

Tell him birthdays and Xmas are for children and women - not really for men!
Did he not get the memo??

If you don't want the Fairfax & Favor boots, can I have them? I covet a pair (kidding- my calves are far too fat, which probably a good thing).

Did you work before having kids? Do you have plans to get back into work once your little one us at nursery? I would be thinking hard about it if I were you.

Get them to decorate a t-shirt with their handprints.

I can't imagine that anything you do/buy will ever be enough. It's a peculiar way to live to feel obliged to buy things the receiver neither wants nor needs. Your DH sounds incredibly immature.

Wondering about your access to money, your pension etc with you being a SAHM. Are you vulnerable here? Spending thousands on Christmas is nuts. What does your DH say when you talk about presents/spending. Does he look after the children when he's about?

Best post!

The works do isn’t a gift… and as others have said you seem to be pissed off with the amount of jollies he goes on. Which is entirely reasonable btw but it’s a separate issue.

Aside from that he sounds like a spoiled brat. If he has very exacting standards about what he wants for this birthday it’s on him to sort it out and organise it. You’re not his mum.