That DH needs to lower his gift expectations?

[Nespressso]

DH birthday is in December, and obviously Xmas. I’m currently sat racking my brains about what to buy him, to prevent him being “disappointed” in another birthday.

we are lucky that we are comfortable, if he needs anything he buys it, but I feel we should be cautious with money as we are trying to upsize house in the short term. I am also a SAHM with no income.

last year I spent about £250 on his birthday, mainly on nice/ considered shirts - from Barbour and schoffel (in Black Friday sale), some golf bits, fancy beer glass etc

baked a cake, we had a night out/ hotel for his work whilst mum babysat (all for him, I was extremely bored and just stood there whilst they all talked work). This was also on the back of he had a week away for a work trip to America and I solo parented the kids.

afterwards told me how disappointed he was I didn’t make an effort for his birthday.

this year he has just been away again for another month. I had a shit time with the kids as nursery no loses for 2 weeks over half term, they were sick and it was stressful, I got little sleep. He was out with mates drinking whilst abroad. He bought himself new clothes whilst away. Fine, enjoy yourself whilst you can but he really doesn’t need anything new now.

he has sent me a list of random things for about £150. He doesn’t even really want these things but feels he must have presents on his birthday. I know I’m going to have to magic up something else as it won’t be enough. Then god knows what I’ll find for Xmas.

I don’t expect or want any gifts, I just want nice experiences for the kids. Xmas often ends up costing us thousands as we just waste money on stuff. We don’t have the space for it and don’t need it. I hate it.

Sorry but not sorry he sounds a right self centred tool, when he’s home tell him your going away with girlfriends/sister/mum for a spa weekend leave him home alone with the kids no meal prep, no shopping done phones off & with no idea as to where you’ve gone let the selfish tool learn life with children doesn’t mean he has to act like one too

Crazy! Adults don't need presents.

We buy each other lots of fun things to open on the day - or even dull things like socks and cans of beer - but we disguise it so the person has to guess, and usually has no clue. We don't spend money on 'real' presents - if we want stuff we buy it anyway. Don't most grown ups??

I do understand that it can be so hard to think of nice things to buy your other half, especially when they just buy the things they want when they want it.

However, I am of the unpopular opinion (it would seem) that it’s reasonable for him to have a bit of a fuss made of him on his birthday. I wonder whether his disappointment was not about how much you spent, or what you did, but because of your clear cynicism and impatience about doing any of it. Just because you don’t want or need the expensive gifts, doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried, and maybe that’s all he wants from you? That doesn’t make him a child.

You’ve had a tiring time with him being away and you looking after the kids single handedly. I think you should be able to talk about this openly with him and work out how you can have a bit of time to yourself etc.
But separately to that, I think take a bit of time to think of some fun things he might like. Sometimes the more thoughtful things can have the most impact, because they show that you really care and love that person. Not that you’re trying to tick boxes and get it over and done with.

Have the kids randomly drawn something they’ve said is their dad? Frame it.
Could the kids get a baking set or something he could do with them on a Saturday morning while you have a cuppa?
Has he got a watch or something he loved but is broken- get it fixed so he can use it again.
I think sometimes mumsnet forgets that life isn’t just about judging people or surviving the day to day. We can also be kind and have fun with things.

@Wonderi Just seen this post and pleased I’m not alone!

Amazon wish list, limit to £50 if he buys what he wants anyway. He sounds like a right wanker, sorry.

You are adults do you really NEED birthday gifts ? Unless there is something really specific we want we tend not to bother we go for a picky bits tea and a cake and that’s enough

Not on the high street do lots of custom made items for (ungrateful dickheads) dads, like cufflinks with a fingerprint of your child engraved on them, shit like that. Not hideously expensive, but tbh he sounds fucking awful, having had so much time away whilst you are continuing on at the coal face with what sounds like fuck all recognition for doing it all 24/7, SAHM or not. Feel for you.

I think he is a total dick and I would make zero effort. What a total prick. Another bachelor playing a part time role as husband and dad while taking the piss out of his sahm wife.

I'm exhausted just reading that OP. Sounds like you did LOADS!!! He sounds awful.

Seeing as he's paying for his own presents just get him something off his list.

We do presents, whats not to love?

I would take my kids to a £1 shop, and say they can pick 5 things for daddy. And let them loose.

To add:
Because it is not about the present, it is the fact his kids have chosen them.

Random tat? Like wooden pictures or fingerprint cuff links

Gift him the special opportunity to spend quality time with the DCs, perhaps doing crafty activities or a games day whilst you selflessly deprive yourself of their company, subjecting yourself to a gruelling day of bodily treatments in a luxury spa.

I thought this thread was going to be a 'how do I explain I can't do as much as last year' thread and I was totally shocked to read he was disappointed last year!!! It sounds like you did a lot, especially baking a cake and having a little party. He needs to grow up.

he sounds hard work to me but how about Fingerprint cufflinks from the kids? And a homemade finger painted card. Then book a nice meal out so you get to enjoy it too

we don't really do presents for birthdays. we do for Christmas, but birthdays are all about, you get to choose what to do for the day, and have a fantastic dinner of your choice. for example, my most recent birthday, my best friend from across the country visited, we had a few great days out. Boscastle, which we all love, the Witchcraft museum there and lunch in the Cobweb Inn, and on the actual day, we went to the fantastic local aquarium, and then dinner at Pho. we took a local friend of mine and treated her, as she's a foodie too, but can't really afford to eat out, and her birthday is a few days before mine, so paying for her was her birthday present. we had a lovely evening. he didn't get me any THINGS. but we had a weekend of doing fun stuff together, and good food. on his birthday, in the Summer, we went to the Eden Project (where we randomly bumped into Anne Hegerty twice) had a light lunch there, delicious baobab ice creams, and then a takeaway of his choice.

christmas we do presents. birthdays we do birthday persons choice of activities and foods. in fact, one year, my choice of activity was, we're getting in a load of snacks, and you're both going to binge watch all of Good Omens with me, because I love it and I want to share it with you both.

In terms of gifts from children. I got my other half one of those books you complete about your life and gift back to the child. That went down so well he got one from each child and delegated the completion to me ! But he did like it. I also often get him a Lego kit that the children can help him (hinder him) make from them.

good luck. It sounds like your OH is hard to buy for.

Get the children to make something for him? Surely he couldn't complain about that!??

And what did he get you from the kids?
a week before his birthday I’d give him a letter about all the things I’d done for him, while he was away drinking and shopping. I’d say I haven’t bought you a present from the kids for next week but I have been the only adult in their lives and have looked after them 24 hours a day for a month, while they were sick and I was exhausted, and a husband that doesn’t value and appreciate what I bring to our family is not a man who I can be arsed buying a present for ever ever again. Do you only value material things and literally not notice all the many many other ways you are continually taken care of? When did you last support me to go away for so much as a night? To have a hobby? To have any time for myself at all? Im seriously questioning what we are to each other right now, Next week I have a home made cake planned for you which is a labour of love. You’ve never made a cake while parenting children. I haven’t any wrapped gifts as you’ve had a solid month free as a bird to drink and buy things, and as a man with young children that represents a huge sacrifice by me. A cake is more appreciation than you’ve shown me in a long time, so if you want to be upset about your birthdya then please just leave. I’d like us to get back to a state where we can value each other but if we can’t then I don’t want to be married.’

He loves belittling you doesn’t he? You’re not the love of his life. You’re his entertainment. He likes to abuse you, make you feel less than, so he can be a victim, or feel empowered by making you run after him like that. That is no relationship for children to witness. He’s got you dependent and tied down, so can be as abusive as he wants and it will get worse with time.

Be careful. If I were you, I’d be getting a job, even part time, and putting together an escape fund for the not too distant future.

My birthday is a day apart from Christmas, and it does give you a slight complex growing up with 'joint presents', people always forgetting, never being able to do anything like a party.

BUT then you grow up. I organise what i want the day to be like (for example, we always do one of those christmas lights national trust type things, nothing else is open). Present wise, I am upset if I don't have a token present from the kids but I don't really care what it is. My partner is much more like yours - throwing money at gifts rather than thoughtful, handmade or experiences which I would prefer. But I would never tell him I would prefer something else!! That would be unkind and rude, imo.

We probably spend around £100/150 on birthdays and I feel that's too much. He does it because he knows my complex (probably more about my upbringing than actually having a Christmas birthday tbf) and wants to make up for it.

How were his birthdays growing up OP? Maybe its something deeper? ...or you just have a man child on your hands.

My DD went into Poundland with £2 from Granny to get me a gift. Precocious 4yr old marched in herself, and came out with a pair of pink rubber gloves and a fancy patterned box of condoms 🤣🤣🤣
To be fair I do have sensitive skin 😁

That's the problem with buying presents when older and together a long time, hard to think of new ideas. So we simply don't, we don't view birthdays as importantly. All I've ever wanted is a nice day, bit of a treat breakfast, any presents appreciated, dame as DH. Before DC we would spend more and go away etc but now it's not such a big deal. X