Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

389 replies

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 13:03

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

OP posts:
EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 25/11/2024 13:04

You can’t ask her to change her profile picture because that controlling

She probably doesn’t have pictures of you around her house out of respect for her kids.

Can I suggest if you are gonna be in a relationship with a widow, that it’s better to not try and erase her dead husband but accept and embrace it

QuestionableMouse · 25/11/2024 13:06

God you can't ask her that.

TheTruthICantSay · 25/11/2024 13:07

Well, I can see why you would want a different picture, but you don't actually get a say. And I would assume your friend sand family also know that she is a widow, so that is a key part of who she is. I would let it go.

What's mor eimportant is whether the relationship is progressing in a way that you are both happy with.

How long have you been seeing her?

Intimacies · 25/11/2024 13:08

However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier

There is no logical connection between these two sentences.

You say her family and friends know about you, so that's the issue? You'd like to ask 'a woman' (not 'my girlfriend'-- 'a woman'??) to change her profile picture because you don't like being reminded she was married, and her marriage ended through in the death of her spouse, not in divorce?

MurdoMunro · 25/11/2024 13:09

I expect she will update it in time, when her friends and family - particularly her sons - are comfortable that a new relationship won’t eradicate their memory and love for the chap who died. These things take time and care.

SmalllChange · 25/11/2024 13:10

You forgot to say how long you've been seeing her?

ErrolTheDragon · 25/11/2024 13:10

If you ask, don't be surprised if rather than agreeing and 'advancing to the next level', she backs off.

Yeah, go ahead and ask, hopefully she'll see the red flag and run.

rwalker · 25/11/2024 13:11

Good job you asked on her rather than ask her tbh I can think of anything you could ask that would be more offensive

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/11/2024 13:11

Yes I would ask her and explain your reasons. This will ensure the relationship does not progress and a vulnerable woman isn’t in the clutches of a territorial controlling man.

gamerchick · 25/11/2024 13:11

Yeah, don't go there. You can't ask her that.

bridgetreilly · 25/11/2024 13:12

WTAF?

Hankunamatata · 25/11/2024 13:12

Why is it challenging because she has a photo or her and her husband on fb. Surely if anyone in your family says anything you just say she's a widow.

You might want to sit down and have a think if you can cope with dating a widow of you feel threatened by fb. Its not like her husbands memories will just evaporate. She will have pictures of him and of their happy times together

WearyAuldWumman · 25/11/2024 13:13

Intimacies · 25/11/2024 13:08

However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier

There is no logical connection between these two sentences.

You say her family and friends know about you, so that's the issue? You'd like to ask 'a woman' (not 'my girlfriend'-- 'a woman'??) to change her profile picture because you don't like being reminded she was married, and her marriage ended through in the death of her spouse, not in divorce?

There's something seriously off here: "trying to friend her on Facebook".

If they've already started some kind of a relationship, why is he having to try to friend her?

Sounds more like stalking to me. (I'm speaking as a widow close to the 4 yr mark who still has a pic of my husband with me in my FB profile photo.)

MrsMitford3 · 25/11/2024 13:14

I was widowed when I was 29 my DH died after a long battle with leukaemia.

It's so long ago that it was pre-facebook but I was still wearing my wedding ring when I met my now DH. He was very patient and supportive.
I cried once on a date and he said that he loved me and my past was a part of me and that it was okay.

Asking her to change a picture to remove her late DH may feel disloyal to her.
You can't erase her past and you def can't put her in a position to choose.

Grief isn't linear-it's cyclical and there will be good days and bad.

She absolutely needs to call all of the shots around this and if you can't do it on her terms/timeline then I think it's not for you.

Imperrysmum · 25/11/2024 13:16

no do not ask. You do not even need to be facebook friends, just live in the real world.

mindutopia · 25/11/2024 13:19

Actually, I think it’s okay to ask her about it and have a conversation about it. It’s not okay to ask her to change it. But I think 4 years after his death, if her children are old enough to have social media, they’re old enough to be okay with mum having a photo of just her on Facebook. I think for me, it hints at that maybe she’s not quite ready to make the leap into a new relationship yet. That’s okay. That’s not something you should force her to do if she’s not there.

But I think actually she needs to be honest with you so you can decide what you’re going to do with that information. If this was an ex from 4 years ago, who was still very much alive, people would be telling you to run for the hills. Grief is a funny old thing, but I think she probably does owe it to you to be honest if she really isn’t ready for a new relationship and this could be a sign of that.

pikkumyy77 · 25/11/2024 13:20

Ugh. Facebook is not real life. Just see where this goes in real life and leave facebook out of it.

custardpyjamas · 25/11/2024 13:24

I think she is probably not ready for a deep relationship yet. It is a sensitive issue, she may feel she would be disrespecting her deceased husband to remove his picture and also doesn't realise the picture is making you feel insecure. I don't think you can say anything without causing her distress, you will just have to live with it.

Namechange09090 · 25/11/2024 13:29

I am in a relationship with a widower and he has his wife as his banner photo on faceboook. I would never ask him to change that. He also has pictures of her all over his house. I wouldn't ask him to remove these either. He still loves her but also loves me.

CheekySwan · 25/11/2024 13:30

There is 1 photo of me and DH in our house. We have been together years, I'm not a photo person, there are loads of the children. Maybe she doesn't want pictures everywhere

My DH Facebook photo is of him and his children, mine is of me and my children

Intimacies · 25/11/2024 13:33

WearyAuldWumman · 25/11/2024 13:13

There's something seriously off here: "trying to friend her on Facebook".

If they've already started some kind of a relationship, why is he having to try to friend her?

Sounds more like stalking to me. (I'm speaking as a widow close to the 4 yr mark who still has a pic of my husband with me in my FB profile photo.)

Show quote history

Fair point, actually.

OP, would you like to respond that? Why are you 'trying' to friend someone on Fb if you're in a relationship with her?

And why would your apparent desire to 'get her starting to learn more' about your family be affected by her having her husband in her profile picture?

ArchieStar · 25/11/2024 13:38

WTAF. No. Just no.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 25/11/2024 13:40

How long have you been dating her?

Lindjam · 25/11/2024 13:40

Why do you need to friend her on Facebook? I don’t understand.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 25/11/2024 13:41

Also a widow of nearly three years with my profile picture of me and late DP still standing. It took me two years to change my relationship status to widowed.

If anyone, I mean anyone, even good friends started hinting at how I manage any part of this situation I'd be giving them the rough end of my tongue to be frank.

Short answer - if you genuinely value this relationship keep your feelings about this to yourself and work on developing a meaningful relationship with her accepting that her situation is incredibly personal.

And solidarity to all in this shitty club xxx