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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

389 replies

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 13:03

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 25/11/2024 14:33

You could ask her, but it would but it would be a dickish thing to do.
Are you even "Facebook official"
It's all sounding a little silly in my opinion, you do realise Facebook isn't real life ?

ByHardyRubyEagle · 25/11/2024 14:35

It’s Facebook…not real life.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 25/11/2024 14:36

How long have you been seeing each other?

housethatbuiltme · 25/11/2024 14:37

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 13:03

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

I'm sorry are you actually IN a romantic relationship with this woman? This sounds very similar to what my autistic family member writes about women that he convinces himself are his girlfriend but they aren't and where just being nice to him.

Things like 'However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging.' & 'I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level ' are a red flag-y and weird.

Letmegohome · 25/11/2024 14:40

@NewmanintownRob what profile picture would you approve of ? Maybe a fluffy kitten or a unicorn? photo of you? Please let us know what you think would be appropriate.

TheShellBeach · 25/11/2024 14:45

How long have you been in a relationship with her @NewmanintownRob?

Pluvia · 25/11/2024 14:52

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable, OP, and I think too many of the replies here come from the perspective of the woman you're seeing and don't try to imagine how it might feel to you.

A lot depends on how long you've been seeing each other, what you mean by moving things forward, and what kinds of conversations you've been having about the future. It also depends on her children's and wider family's attitude. Unless it's been a couple of years, and unless it feels really serious to you, I wouldn't expect her to have photos of you around the house. I've been in a relationship for more than 20 years and I don't have my partner's photo on display. I've got my partner: why would I need a photo? She has the added complication of sons and her late husband's family and their expectations and feelings. So I wouldn't be concerned at all that she's not got the house covered in pictures of you.

There is a woman on the outer edges of my social circle who says she is looking for a new relationship, attends events looking for a new partner, and has had opportunities, but talks all the time about her husband and is still clearly stuck in the life they had together. It's very sad for her: it's going to be a very long time before she's ready. I know one of the widowers who went out with her a few times. He came to the conclusion that what she was looking for was a man to mow the lawn and do DIY and take her to the supermarket in his car for a big shop once a week (the things her husband used to do) but nothing more. They are now friends and he helps her out, but I think he has felt a little rebuffed by the experience.

It fairly commonly takes five years before people started to feel they can move on. I'd wait till the fifth anniversary to see if she feels able to move on.

1clavdivs · 25/11/2024 14:56

I'm a widow. It wouldn't bother me if a new partner told me how they felt about the picture, but I'd want them to know that things like that are actually way more loaded than they seem on the outside. It can seriously upset other family members who may feel the person is being erased or forgotten. It can be really thorny to navigate this sort of thing, as I discovered that a widow tends to hold a fair few other people's emotions as well.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/11/2024 15:03

It's a picture

I'm a widow and had my dh and I pic as my profile for ages

Even as I met someone

Later I did change my pic to me

Later still pics of new partner and I

Remember

The dead cant hurt you

No need to be jealous

They are never coming back

How long have you been with her ?

How old are her boys ?

ChristmasCheesecake · 25/11/2024 15:12

I think you have to grin and bear it for the time being. If your relationship progresses she’ll probably want to change it of her own accord but no don’t ask her to.

Lavenderfarmcottage · 25/11/2024 15:14

If this was a woman and she was seeing a man with a photo of himself and his wife on his Facebook profile, we would be sympathetic,

How awkward trying to be proud of a new partner and your romance and have people celebrate your newfound relationship when their profile photo is of their late husband.

If it’s any consolation she probably has unresolved grief and feelings about moving on. The Facebook photo is probably her way of remembering her husband and alleviating some of those confusing feelings. She probably feels like she’s honouring him & not forgetting their love, even though the reality is that right now, she is with you.

Original poster
NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 15:17

It is beautiful and been a few months and we both have expressed feelings for each other. She has lived her entire life in one town and communicates always by text and phone calls. And my family scattered all over the US as well as my friends - and it is hard to try to meet all of them and have them meet her - sometimes Facebook is the only way I communicate with many of them. I definitely do not want to upset her and don’t want to make her ever forget her dead husband. But I do want to make sure that I am someone she wants to have a relationship with besides just dating - Taking it to the next level yet, not marriage yet. My family and friends think it is weird - some of them got remarried - that she simply wouldn’t change her photo to just herself, yet at important events that she can post a picture of him and I don’t need validation. I just wanna make sure she wants a relationship and not just someone to date. - to see if I am part of her life going forward or if I am just a side thing because she really doesn’t want a man.

OP posts:
TheTruthICantSay · 25/11/2024 15:19

Wait, have you even met her or is this a long distance relationship?

And nicely, if you're not close enough to your friends/family to actually see them in person, talk on the phone etc, then it really doesn't matter if her profile picture is of her with another man. They wouldn't even necessarily know who it is - could be a brother, a friend, a colleague.

StormingNorman · 25/11/2024 15:19

I don’t think she’s ready to commit to someone new. I’m sorry.

Hoppinggreen · 25/11/2024 15:20

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 15:17

It is beautiful and been a few months and we both have expressed feelings for each other. She has lived her entire life in one town and communicates always by text and phone calls. And my family scattered all over the US as well as my friends - and it is hard to try to meet all of them and have them meet her - sometimes Facebook is the only way I communicate with many of them. I definitely do not want to upset her and don’t want to make her ever forget her dead husband. But I do want to make sure that I am someone she wants to have a relationship with besides just dating - Taking it to the next level yet, not marriage yet. My family and friends think it is weird - some of them got remarried - that she simply wouldn’t change her photo to just herself, yet at important events that she can post a picture of him and I don’t need validation. I just wanna make sure she wants a relationship and not just someone to date. - to see if I am part of her life going forward or if I am just a side thing because she really doesn’t want a man.

You may find a conversation with this woman much more useful than analysing her Facebook profile

Intimacies · 25/11/2024 15:21

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 15:17

It is beautiful and been a few months and we both have expressed feelings for each other. She has lived her entire life in one town and communicates always by text and phone calls. And my family scattered all over the US as well as my friends - and it is hard to try to meet all of them and have them meet her - sometimes Facebook is the only way I communicate with many of them. I definitely do not want to upset her and don’t want to make her ever forget her dead husband. But I do want to make sure that I am someone she wants to have a relationship with besides just dating - Taking it to the next level yet, not marriage yet. My family and friends think it is weird - some of them got remarried - that she simply wouldn’t change her photo to just herself, yet at important events that she can post a picture of him and I don’t need validation. I just wanna make sure she wants a relationship and not just someone to date. - to see if I am part of her life going forward or if I am just a side thing because she really doesn’t want a man.

Have you actually met her?

TheShellBeach · 25/11/2024 15:21

Goodness @NewmanintownRob

Your update makes you sound extremely insecure.

It sounds like you think that she can only be really committed to you if she takes down her FB profile picture.

That's very odd thinking on your part.

Just carry on seeing each other and dating. If it's going to end in marriage and commitment, you'll know soon enough.

I'm puzzled about your fixation with FB.

Intimacies · 25/11/2024 15:21

Hoppinggreen · 25/11/2024 15:20

You may find a conversation with this woman much more useful than analysing her Facebook profile

Show quote history

Not if they've never met, which is what I think is going on here...

TheTruthICantSay · 25/11/2024 15:23

Also, even if you have met, if you've only been together a few months, I think it's perfectly reasonable that she hasn't changed anything on her facebook. And as a pp said, things like that can be really loaded for extended family/friends/children.

Original poster
NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 15:24

We see each other few times a week. We have gone out of town together a few times and I’ve stayed ant each other’s places a few times. we text each other all the time and I am OK with things how they are. I just wanna make sure that she wants to move on because for me. - and maybe this doesn’t apply to everyone - I use Facebook to communicate with my family scattered all over the US and many of my friends because I’ve had a career and military career. I have friends all over. I really care about this woman and we have a great relationship. - I just wanna take it to the next level. I don’t wanna be insensitive to her past or to her kids.. her kids are great and so is she

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 25/11/2024 15:26

You would be massively unreasonable to ask this and if I were her I would immediately end the relationship.

You are not dating a divorced woman; you are dating a widow. They are not remotely similar. She almost certainly still loves her husband deeply. If you are not able to get your head round this and instead insist on comparing and competing with her husband for her affection, this isn't the relationship for you. It takes someone very special indeed.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 25/11/2024 15:26

So, how long have you been together @NewmanintownRob ?

Intimacies · 25/11/2024 15:26

NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 15:24

We see each other few times a week. We have gone out of town together a few times and I’ve stayed ant each other’s places a few times. we text each other all the time and I am OK with things how they are. I just wanna make sure that she wants to move on because for me. - and maybe this doesn’t apply to everyone - I use Facebook to communicate with my family scattered all over the US and many of my friends because I’ve had a career and military career. I have friends all over. I really care about this woman and we have a great relationship. - I just wanna take it to the next level. I don’t wanna be insensitive to her past or to her kids.. her kids are great and so is she

But how you use FB is completely irrelevant to what photo she uses as her FB profile.

Is what you're actually saying is 'She's showing me up in front of my extended family, friends and old military buddies by having a profile photo that includes her dead spouse''?

Seriously, OP, read that back and blush.

TheShellBeach · 25/11/2024 15:32

My family and friends think it is weird - some of them got remarried - that she simply wouldn’t change her photo to just herself

Good gracious.

They're remarkably insensitive, then.

It's none of their business what photo she uses.

Why are you even listening to them?

Original poster
NewmanintownRob · 25/11/2024 15:35

You were asking me why I would listen to my family and friends - I think that through once. if this is gonna last then my family and friends are gonna be part of my life and at least might be curious about her. I realize she is a widow and not simply a divorcee - I have stated this. But I also wonder sometimes if she simply is dating me, but really doesn’t want to date any man and just live her life the way it is. I would never think I’m breaking up with her about it, but I’m just trying to figure out if I should even approach it.

OP posts: