Is it reasonable to ask a woman to change her profile picture?

[NewmanintownRob]

I have someone I am seeing and she has a picture of her and her deceased husband as her main profile picture on Facebook. I keep in touch with a lot of family and friends through Facebook, but I’m not obsessed by it. However, she has been a widow for four years and I am fully supportive of her sons and family and her deceased husband’s family. However, trying to friend her on Facebook and get her starting to learn more about my family is challenging. if she just simply had a picture of herself, it would be easier - her family and friends know about me and her, most of my family and friends know about me and her. I have a picture of her in my apartment and on my phone - she has no pictures of me in-home or on her phone. I’m trying to advance this to the next level and I’m starting to get worried that she isn’t wanting that. I am giving a time but it does make me a little uncomfortable. AIBU ?

I think you have to let this relationship run like any other and see where it goes.

The FB photo is really irrelevant.

You don't need to share her FB photo with your friends and to be honest, I don't think social media should be used for broadcasting or sharing relationships by anyone, ever, anywhere. I'd be wary of a man in his late 50s over sharing on social media.

If this becomes more serious, your friends will know because you can call them and meet them, or whatever.

I just need to make sure I am not simply a replacement to fix things for her and date her. - and not be someone more than a dating friend

The answer you're looking for is the same as if you were 30, 40 or 60.
'Is this going to last? Does she care about me? Is this a fling?'

Only time will tell. The fact she's dated 10 men already means she like men (or sex) but no one can tell you if this is going to last.

You've got to accept any relationship can fail at any time, at any age, and be prepared to find out.

I'm interested in knowing what your background is @NewmanintownRob - I'm getting lots of vibes that made me think you far younger than you are and far less experienced than an almost sixtysomething.

I wondered too.

Are you widowed, divorced, always been single @NewmanintownRob

After a few months of being together it's quite full on/odd to have photos of her up at your place. No wonder she doesn't have any of you up at hers!

Just have a conversation with her about how she feels about the relationship and where she sees it going. You don't need to mention her profile picture!

Newman, I didn't realise you were actually dating, I got the impression this was an online 'relationship'. It is different as you are going out together, or were, but you still shouldn't be asking her to change her profile picture.

It is possible that she likes company, going out, etc, and there is nothing wrong with that at all, as long as she is clear about it and pays her way.

If you want something more, you have to make that clear at the outset. There are plenty of widows, divorcees and singletons in your age group who would like to settle down with someone so don' t be too downhearted. This lady is a good friend, no more.

Good luck.

We are both in our 50s at almost the same age. We are almost exact clones of each other and do a lot of things together and get along great. I was divorced six years ago and I’m way past my ex-wife. She is widowed over four years ago - and she has also dated other people as have I. Not about Facebook, but the question is about whether she is serious to have a more serious relationship or simply a dating friend that I help her pass the time - this would be a question about any woman that is a widow. I’m not gonna break up with her and it’s too soon to ask her for something too serious. Yet we are both not getting younger and have chatted and talked every day for a few months and have met each other families and some of our friends. I thank everybody for all the comments.

One question for you -

How long have you been single?

Your posts show a hint of desperation to settle with someone.

Are you unhappy on your own? Or really wanting a companion for the rest of your life?

Is it HER you want or rather not to be alone at 59?

I have never felt this chemistry in my life with any woman, including a failed marriage and dating before and after marriage. Again, things are going great - but how do I know if she simply is dating me to pass the time or if she’s really serious? I am not desperate as I’ve gone on dates post divorce too. I just see everything being perfect with her and we both know what we want and we’re both older adults and we both have kids.

but the question is about whether she is serious to have a more serious relationship or simply a dating friend that I help her pass the time - this would be a question about any woman that is a widow. I’m not gonna break up with her and it’s too soon to ask her for something too serious.

She may not even know the answer herself.

I imagine she has days when she thinks no man can measure up to her husband. Yet on other days she may be more optimistic about a future with someone else.

You're trying to rush something and ask for a guarantee - but life isn't like that.

Take is slowly, keep up your interests and be happy on your own as well as seeing her.

The best you can hope for at the moment is to ask if you're exclusive or if she's also seeing other men.

Based on your update you seem to be rushing this.
After 5 months or whatever you really don't know each other or if you want to spend the next 30 years together.

You might be 'in love' but that's the good sex, no doubt, and that will settle down in time and become less exciting. You sound really smitten.

What you're asking is are you just going to be No. 11 and she's having a fling? Telling her friends she's having a great time, but she's not serious.

If you really want to you could ask if she sees a long term future with you.

That may frighten her off, you may not get the answer you want, and it's a risk.
You could say that you're looking for along term relationship in general, rather than pushing her on you & her.

The question is not about whether I’m rushing things - the question is that there are plenty of other women out there who are interested in a long-term relationship possibly even marriage. And even though I adore and love her. - I may never get that back from her and may be wasting my energy and time - her being a widow. I have never been around a widow before that was like this, so I’m just trying to deal with it.

If it were me I'd be open that I hoped for a long term committed relationship/cohabitation/ marriage/whatever it is you want for your future. I'd tell her that your aim is to find a woman who also wants these things, and that while you realise it's far too early in your acquaintance for her to know if she wants those things with YOU (its very important you stress that part!), it would be helpful for you to know if she was open to that sort of relationship in principle, or whether she saw her future as just dating.
I don't think its unreasonable to ask that, as you need to know if there is a possibility of a relationship with her, or no possibility at all, so you can decide how much of your hopes to invest. You must be very careful not to give the impression you're pressing for a commitment now though, as that would likely come across too much too soon. Just a general idea of what she may be open to should things work out with you.

You can wait and see how it goes - give it another 6 months- or you can ask her.

Is she says 'no' you've got an answer and can move on.
If she says it's too soon and she doesn't know you well enough, you'll have to decide if you want to waste your time.

That implies you're really looking for a serious long term relationship (and that you won't have any problems finding someone. Why are you so sure of that?)

I’m a widow with children. I have t dated since and wouldn’t want to . However if she has children that are school age then you have to kind of accept that you are dating the dead husband too. What I mean by that is that photo is probably still on her fb for her children’s sake if anything at all to do with her own sake (although I’m sure it is to). We have to work incredibly hard to keep their memory alive. Children often still see that although daddy as gone, they are still married to that daddy. I feel for your partner as it must be an immense juggling act as it must be for you too.

One child is married, one in late 20s but lives at home. I have stayed the night there so there is no hesitation that she is dating me. But is she dating me just for companionship or is she dating me for something longer-term relationship? I don’t need to get married - but I also don’t want someone whose heart and soul cannot be given to anybody and I would always be simply a friend she does things with. I would never try to erase her past.

Mate, kindly, widows aren't a different species, they are women who have a specific experience and each one is completely individual.

Any reticence around long term futures in the context of relationships might be for a myriad of reasons, and that is what the conversation should be about. Sensitivity around her widowed status is admirable.

I notice you mention she has dated 10 men - perhaps she does just enjoy company and even sex. You say she can see the next chapter of your life together but also you don't just want to be someone who is useful to her. You need to have conversations with her about this and if you really just want to settle down soon because you're not getting any younger so the soul mate aspect you claim isn't as essential you kind of need to be honest about that for both your sakes.

So why don't you date some of those 'other women'? You are not yet in a committed relationship with the woman you're seeing so both of you are free to see other people. Nothing wrong with 'playing the field' as long as you aren't sleeping with all of them without being honest about it.

As a 'mature' happily married woman I find your comment about her having dated '10 men' somewhat disturbing. It's as if you feel it's a 'negative' or makes her 'flighty'. So what if she's dated 10 men? It doesn't necessarily mean she's 'only out for fun'. She is a woman who had a happy marriage and does not plan to settle for less in a relationship than she had before. She doesn't intend to compromise on that so it follows that she's going to have to 'date around'. And it also follows that she's going to date men that don't 'fit the bill', but it takes time to figure that out. You know, 'before you meet your handsome prince you have to kiss a lot of toads'.

My mum didn't date after my dad died because "Why would I settle for hamburger when I dined on filet mignon for 52 years?". God forbid that I lose my DH, but I'd feel the same way.

Here's a thought. Why don't you talk to her about it?

I have talked to her about it and again I don’t wanna press it - I don’t wanna date anybody else because I feel she is the one. Too many signs are pointing to her, only wanting a companion and someone to do things with - versus a relationship that will last. I am not a player and never will be - in this case I probably easily could be because someone could look at her and not see any sign of me whether by Facebook or looking at her phone photo or anywhere else. And how long should I wait before I decide that I need to focus on somebody else when I’d rather focus on her ?

@NewmanintownRob

And how long should I wait before I decide that I need to focus on somebody else when I’d rather focus on her ?

At the very minimum, I'd say 6 months. By that time she should have a good idea if you're 'the one' or not.

YABVU.

Also, she's not that into you.

And it seems from your OP that you're not even FB friends. Is this a relationship that exists only in your own head?

None of this has any base in reality...

I can't see how the picture on her profile changes what you are wanting to know. It sounds like you need a conversation about what she wants long term but the picture she uses is irrelevant

Have a conversation.

You should not wait.

You should start moving on today.

You're being slightly contradictory here and also a bit "want to keep my options open".

Either she's the one or she isn't as far as I'd be concerned and given everything you've said, I think you're romanticising that she is, but really you don't want to waste time if she isn't because maybe someone more devoted to you, and willing to publicly declare it, might come along.

I don't actually think you know what you really want.